The Girl With Five Watches

26: Like Therapy

Sunday after church, Dr. Parker wanted to have a talk with me in his home office. Sara and her mom spent the afternoon shopping.

"So Jimmy, I see that my daughter really holds her heart for you. I've never seen so much joy from her in my life."

I'll admit, that statement also felt like a pun. "I don't want to destroy the heart she has for me."

He smiled as he tried to look serious. Crossing his legs, he spoke. "I'm sure you won't. I'm just a little concerned about a couple of things. You see, I just worry about Sara. She's been through a great deal with treatments and the sort. Secondly, I appreciate how my daughter loves you enough to help kill your fear away, but it doesn't seem to be working. I saw the moment you had with our fish tank last night and I'm concerned. You see, Sara informed me that you lost your sister Emily in a drowning accident many years ago. Evidently, this is where your fear of water is coming from. Is this true?"

"It is true sir," my body shook admitting that to him. "Although, all I drink is water."

Dr. Parker placed his hands against his chin. "Can you describe exactly what you're going through?"

I honestly didn't want to. Everything inside of me was tired of this reality. Could I for once just forget all of this? "Sometimes, I have dreams where I'm back at the river where everything happened. And it's always Emily the one that's trying to drown me in that river. Other times, it's a vision or just her voice in my head. Most of the time, she wants me to die. It's all because my grandpa saved me first and not her. I guess if he saved her first, I might have been the one to die."

Quickly after my response, he uncrossed his legs and attached both his fingers together. "So your sister Emily is hunting you? He paused to take a deep breath. "I don't think you actually think you have a fear of water. It seems that deep down you may feel a great deal of regret. You regret that is was you who was saved from the river and not her. You feel that somehow you made a selfish act." It was like this man was a genius. "Would you be able to discuss a little bit about your sister Emily?"

Tell him about Emily? Sara barely knew anything about my sister, but here I was about to tell her father. I had to take a moment to think about it. Imagine having to recall the memories of a lost loved one.

"Well, I guess you could say that Emily was almost my best friend. We literally did everything together. A lot changed in November before she died."  A silence was taken wondering if I should announce this next part. "She was diagnosed with leukemia." My heart immediately felt a sense of relief. "It was hard for our family which is part of the reason my grandpa agreed to take us on a late-night hike. He was always finding ways to inspire my sister to fight her cancer. And maybe showing where my grandparents first met and had their first date would make her feel like someday she'd find the perfect man. Even though this hike was for both of us, it seemed like it was mostly for her. I shouldn't have been stubborn and should have listened to my grandpa. He didn't want us to cross the frozen river, but I did. When I was saved and she died I felt like I had somehow betrayed her and my family. She had leukemia and should've been saved. It was worse when my grandpa died later that day. I felt like my grandpa sacrificed his life for someone selfish and not an innocent girl with cancer. Snow and water to this day just remind me of that pain that I hold. I sometimes wonder if my sister is looking down at me with disappointment."

It had become clear that I had caught Dr. Parker off guard. It's probably not often he hears cases like that. For an entire minute, he was silent. His entire face showed pity and sorrow for what I was going through. Was it still possible for him to help me? 

He finally spoke. "This may be deeper than I originally thought." A sigh was taken. "You do realize Jimmy that none of this is your fault? Yes, you may have made a mistake, but that's the factor about life. We constantly make mistakes. Sometimes the results may be to our advantage and sometimes they are not to our advantage. The way I see it, you haven't learned to forgive yourself for what happened that night. And until you do, you may be dealing with this memory for the rest of your life."

"I can't forgive myself though." I began looking at the floor. "I made such a stupid mistake. I don't even know if Emily would love me if she were alive today"

He wheeled his chair closer to me and put both his hands on my legs instructing me to look directly at him. His face grew serious and maybe it was my imagination, but it seemed like he aged ten years within five minutes.

"Son, I want you to listen clearly to me. "My daughter Sara has made countless idiotic mistakes. Probably her greatest mistake was being present at that house and allowing that boy to mess around with things he shouldn't be. And what happened? Good people died that day. My brother included." An almost sad look took over his face. "And now my own daughter is essentially on life support because of that mistake. It's unclear how long she'll be on this Earth, but if there's one thing I still do know, it's that I still love her. And I would certainly fight for her until the cold bitter end." He took a breath to make sure I understood everything he said. "I know you don't see it right now, but you will. You'll understand that your sister would be proud of the man you are today. She would forgive you. Even your grandfather would forgive you."

He took his hands off of me and wheeled his chair back to the original spot.

"Tomorrow we're going camping for spring break. The two of us with Sara included. I'm going to do everything I can to help you face your fear of water and your sister. It will be a process, but in the end, it will all be worth it."

Wow! Dr. Parker is certainly a breath of fresh air! Don't forget to comment, vote, and share.

Will Dr. Parker be able to help Jimmy?

Will Jimmy ever learn to forgive himself?