Playing Rough

Chapter XVIII

Chapter XVIII ─ Demons

[ M I C H A E L   G R I F F I N ]

Going against Ash's demands and later on protests, I decided to leave the situation with Bryan to rest for a few days. I wanted to give him space after so unexpectedly kissing him in his kitchen overtaken by that drunken Saturday morning haze. I also needed some time to think over everything that unraveled in the short span of two days.

That must have been the most hectic weekend of my life ever. Shortly after talking and eventually breaking up with my best friend, I went back home confused, but more importantly, liberated of a boulder I had subconsciously been carrying for a very long time. 

Finally clearing the troubled air between Ash and I helped us get on the right track with our friendship. I had freedom over whom I wanted to kiss, touch, and think about, a huge relief for me. The guilt of constantly thinking about Bryan's lips had been getting to me for way too long. I had to admit though, whether we wanted it or not, things would likely be weird between the two of for the coming months, but I had faith that we would get over it.

I also had to get over the fact that Ash would eventually meet and fall for someone, she deserved to be loved. Still, after Bryan took a swift exit out of my life she was my everything for a while and in a way still was. She was my comfort, the one I always ran back to that wasn't my mom. I hoped that wouldn't change, I don't know what I would do if Ash suddenly left me like Bryan once did, I couldn't bear it.

Ah, look at me, I was overthinking again, but I couldn't help it. This whole situation was just too juicy not to spend hours overthinking every little possible scenario and play out a faux vision of my life in my head. It wasn't healthy, I had clarified that a long time, but it was my way of coping and figuring things out.

Speaking of figuring things out, I had finally decided on what I felt for Bryan. After the talk with my ex-girlfriend, I spent the entirety of Sunday staring at the ceiling of the living room while my mother made disapproving noises once in a while, thinking about what I felt. I had gone over the possibility of my libido flaring at the wrong moments, me just missing my friend and then, of course, wanting to be involved with him romantically.

I had decided on the latter. When I thought about it, I realized that I wasn't just pining to get Bryan back in my life for the sake of having my old friend back. When we were young, I had always associated Bryan with the word 'safe'. But all these years later, I had found my new safety net, I found safety and solace in another person. I wanted to have Bryan all to myself for way different reasons, I wanted to have Bryan beside me again because I loved him.

Whether platonically or romantically, it didn't make a difference, I remembered telling Bryan that I loved him back when we were kids. Then boys our age would have rather died than admitted to loving each other, even if it weren't remotely romantic, we had been raised that way because we were supposed to be tough. To my surprise at the time, he'd told me that he loved me too and it was all comforting smiles and jokes all over again. That tender moment that felt just right in my head, but I had never truly stopped to consider it up until now. What if Bryan had loved me, truly loved me, not just because we were best friends, what if things spiraled way deeper than I previously thought? What if that was why he left me?