The Toll {Book 2}

13. Separation- Nadia

 We were served tea, and then invited to dinner, and before we knew it dusk was upon us. On the other side of the dining room window, the roads filled up with carriages and motorcars on their way home from dinner or work. Martin made a hint at leaving, and the LeClaire family seemed to agree. Though they were gracious guests, I think having Hannabella Lephard in their home was tiring them out. They'd been keeping up a steady stream of witty and clever conversation, and I could see the strain on their faces after a few hours.

Thanks were given for the lovely dinner, and we began the slow bustle toward the front foyer. I trailed behind Hannabella, who spoke to the LeClaire daughters in Flaunsian, and Martin who would switch to Rumoni for a few sentences to try and include me but always forgot and promptly fell back into Flaunsian. The Popovs brought up the rear, whispering amongst themselves. After the first few minutes where Ferdinand had held me close to his side, I hadn't been able to get near him since. His mother and father crowded him, holding onto his arms or hands, and talking all about their lives at the LeClaire's. I couldn't bring myself to resent them for this, since they had thought him dead for months, but I also couldn't help but feel the smallest twinge of jealousy. He'd been mine alone for so long, that I almost felt a bit empty without him. Yet, what worse feeling had his mother felt, when she'd had him alone for nineteen years and suddenly lost him?

I tried to give his family space, letting them take in their miracle. I may have been jealous, but I was also happy for them. It was a miracle, and one that I had earnestly prayed for to happen. We'd all have to navigate our new positions in his life, and I was happy to, if it meant he was surrounded by more people who loved him.

Hannabella paused at the door, chatting with the family in Flaunsian as Martin went out to start the motorcar. I hung back, near where Ferdinand still stood with his family. He glanced at me, smiling apologetically. I shrugged and shook my head, letting him know it was all right. They deserved all the time they'd lost with him.

As I waited, I overheard his mother's whispered words to him. "But, surely, Dinny, you can stay just one night with us? It would calm my nerves and help your father sleep. Just one night?"

Ferdinand smiled at her, placing his hand on hers. "Mother, I'm perfectly safe at the Lephard's home. It's only five minutes away, and I'll be able to come and go and see you all the time."

"But it's not the same as knowing you're only a few doors down."

"I know, but the LeClaire's only have room for me. I can't come if Nadia doesn't. She's been with me through all the hell of Rumonin, and I won't abandon her." He whispered it all, leaning toward his mother, and I barely caught his words.

"But you're abandoning us!" his mother whispered, tears brimming.

My stomach plummeted and my face tingled. I fought the urge to look back at them, knowing they were doing their best to not be overheard.

Of course they'd want Ferdinand to join them. What family wouldn't want to draw close to each other in this trying time? It was natural to become closer in hard times, and here Ferdinand's family was, wanting to regain what they'd lost. Yet, Ferdinand refused them, just because I would have to stay with the Lephard's. With shame, I realized that my heart soared a bit, knowing he wouldn't leave me. I knew then, that it was entirely too selfish to keep him to myself. I couldn't be the kind of person who disregarded the love of a mother and father. I would have Ferdinand for every night in our future, but they wouldn't.

I turned, gesturing Ferdinand forward. He glanced up from his mother and slowly disengaged from her, before coming to my side and cupping my elbows in his hands. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I've been neglecting you, haven't I?"

I laughed softly and kissed his cheek. "Not at all. You've been loving your family, and that's nothing for me to be angry about." I slid my hands down to his and held them. "I overheard your conversation with your mother. Why don't you stay for the night? I'll be fine with Hannabella."

Ferdinand blinked in surprise. "N-no. We'd have to be separated."

The thought frightened me, but perhaps that was another reason for him to spend a night away. He wasn't just my other half, he was a human with his own needs and a history. I couldn't clutch him close every night for the rest of our lives, too afraid to sleep on my own. We both deserved at least one night to try and be strong on our own.

"It's all right," I said. "Don't worry about me. You stay with your family and let them have some alone time with you. I think both you and they need it."

"Nadia..." He gripped me tightly.

"Don't you want a night free of my snoring?" I grinned.

His eyebrows dipped down in confusion. "You don't snore."

"I know. You do."

"What?"

"I'm only joking." I laughed and kissed him. "Look, I'll be safe with the Lephards. Stay with your family."

He opened his mouth, perhaps to argue more, but at that moment, his younger sister, Katya bounded up from near her mother and father and grabbed his arm. She looked much like him, with the same golden hair and imperial features, but she was delicate and small and younger than me. Her blue eyes carved a line from my feet to my face and back again, as if I was a dress she wasn't sure was worth her money. It made my skin prickle, though I wasn't sure if I had read her correctly when she suddenly burst into an overly bright smile.

"Well, thank you for bringing my brother home," she said, pulling him just slightly backward, away from me.

I had been the one to push him to stay, but now I felt fear clawing at my throat as Katya blinked rapidly in my direction, her huge smile still plastered on her face. When Ferdinand looked away briefly, she raised a hand and flicked her fingers at me, shooing me away like you would a dog. I wanted to glare at her, but the LeClaire family were now pressed close, and I wouldn't be able to explain myself to them. Instead, I drew in a steady breath and turned away from her.

I followed Hannabella's lead in bidding everyone adieu. Martin wanted to leave soon, as the weather was turning toward rain. We bustled outside, the wind picking up our clothes, and Martin sat me in the back before he and Hannabella climbed into the front. The motorcar rumbled into life and I only just had time to look back and see Ferdinand in the LeClaire's doorway, Katya still pulling on his arm. I hadn't gotten a chance to say goodbye to him properly, and it burned in my chest. I wanted him to spend the time with his family, but I had also wanted to hug him one last time.

It was too late now. Katya yanked him back into the hallway, where his mother and father engulfed him with hugs. Mr. LeClaire, laughing at the sight of the happy reunion, reached out and shut the door, cutting off the light and plunging us into the night.

The ride home was cold and dark. The Lephards whispered to each other in their native language, their laughter occasionally disrupting the shadows, but I barely heard them. My gaze stuck on the empty seat beside me, and I felt suddenly too light. When we pulled up in front of the house, I didn't even wait for Hannabella to open the door. I grabbed the handle, pushed my way in, and marched past the confused footman on my way to the stairs.

Hannabella called after me, but when I ignored her she simply bid me goodnight. I fought back tears I didn't want her to see, and it wasn't until I'd reached the small room Ferdinand and I had shared, that I let the tears come. They were silent as they slid down my cheeks and neck, and stung my skin. But I let them fall, knowing that if I bound them inside they would only become worse. So I lit a candle and changed into my nightgown as the skies opened up outside and pelted the glass frames of the window across the room.

The bed was frigid and smelled of nothing. I slid under the blankets and tried to fall asleep, but just kept thinking of the room around me. Finally, I slid the pillows around me on either side, creating some sort of barrier against the shadows, and laid back down in my fortress. The candle's light flickered the shadows across the walls, and I watched them for a while more before falling to sleep.