The M.I.L.F. Man

You UP?

I'd just gotten seriously baked on a hybrid blend as I do before bedtime some nights when I want a deep sleep to replenish mind, body and soul. I also was celebrating having a long weekend to give Chubby a chance to recover from the weekend before, poor battered beast.

So I'd made no plans at all, save returning a call from MaMere who'd left several voicemail messages each one a wee bit more intense than the last. I'd gone "radio silent" since our family meeting at the Ritz. And my silences scared them.

She'd had their more compliant/complacent son, Piers, call me, in case I'd blocked her number. But he was his usual ambivalent self. Both concerned and glad that I'd been punished. And perplexed that I sounded so "bloody chill."

"You're one cock up away from a conservatorship you know," he told me. "Having them declare you psychologically unfit to handle your own finances—the Britney Spears thing. And you've seen how that panned out."

I was dying to tell him that their current plan had backfired spectacularly. I was booked through fall at EE. All by clients very close to the sort they'd been pining for, all of them clambering for recurring bookings and willing to pay extra to secure them.

Kat had therefore set me free of Byron and given me permission to do my own scheduling so that I could take "me time" at will—they wanted me "fit for duty."

So I'd burrowed down into the Egyptian cotton bedclothes from one of MaMere's most recent "pick up the phone you little ingrate" packages when my cell buzzed. And I patted around on the nightstand I'd nested down closest to...

...and found a "You up?" text from a number I didn't recognize.

It was quickly followed by: "JUST kidding. It's Cici. Cielo."

I laughed and responded with, "I'm up now." And the "conversation" unfolded thusly:

Cici: How did U mean that EXACTLY?

Me: How would you LIKE me to mean it?

Cici: GIF of woman spritzing herself with water...

Me: GIF of Pepe LePew being particularly rapey...

Cici: GIF of woman sitting on the edge of a chair, holding her wide skirt out in front of her with a fan blowing air between her spread legs, the skirt rippling like waves on the breeze...

Me: GIF of Garth and Wayne from SNL genuflecting...

Cici: Six laughing emojis. Do you have any tats?

Me: Is that the female equivalent of "What are you wearing right now?"

Cici: What ARE you wearing right now? (Please say "Nothing")