him | jolinsky (v slow updates)

one

johnson

I pushed my face harder into my pillow and finally sighed. Today was harder or one of my so called 'bad days'.

But every day is a bad day, the voice inside of my head made itself known, your life sucks. You do know that nobody cares about you right?

"Not now," I whimpered like a little kid who just fell and scraped his knee, "please. Please not today."

You're so pathetic, the voice taunted.

I pulled the blankets closer to me and I felt numb. I felt nothing at all as I lay there staring at the ceiling.

"Jack?" I heard the familiar voice ring through the house, "where are you?"

I just clutched my blankets tighter around my already trembling frame, pleas God, don't let him come in here and see me like this.

"J?" He knocked on my door slightly, creaking it open and sticking his head on sideways, "you okay?"

"Fine," I bit my trembling lip. I tried to form some lie to save my ass but I had no energy to think or move or say anything else.

Come on, Jack, he's waiting and getting worried, the voice hissed at me, if he finds out he will send you away to get help. It'll be hell.

I'm already in hell.

"I'm fine, really Jack," I tried again to try and get the boy to go away.

"Why are you so tired? We didn't do anything today and you ate one piece of toast. Aren't you hungry?"

Don't you dare say you're hungry, the voice was back.

And we DID do stuff today, we went out for breakfast which swiped all my energy and then came back and played pool and video games with Sam and Nate.

Well, G played and I watched and dozed.

"I'm not hungry," I lied through my teeth, "just tired, I guess."

I looked up slightly to see him still standing at the door, eyebrows furrowed with concern.

"Do you need anything before I go back downstairs?" He finally asked me.

"Nope," I didn't fake a smile, I couldn't. I didn't have the energy.

"Alright, get some sleep and come back downstairs for dinner later."

"Fuck," I growled under my breath as he closed the door. "What the hell am I supposed to do?"

You can't eat around him, the voice bit at my brain and it was almost... tempting me to do something I wasn't supposed to. He thinks you're worthless, do you know that?

Does he really?

It felt like I was getting stabbed in the chest over and over and over again and it was constant.

I feel light-headed and sad and I can't even comprehend a sentence or a facial expression.

This voice had me in his death grip and it wasn't going to stop until I ruined myself.

* *

"J, wake up! You have been sleeping for six hours, that's enough."

I groaned and rolled over, disappointed in myself for falling asleep because I knew he would wake me up.

Quick, think of an excuse.

I tried to think of something, anything, to get him to leave but I couldn't think of anything.

"C'mon I got us Subway."

You can't think of an excuse? The voice was here now, you're honestly so pathetic. Go eat, I dare you. Just watch and see how much your "boyfriend" will love you.

I winced slightly at the word "boyfriend" and what the voice was feeding me.

G had dragged me to my feet and was now walking downstairs dragging me by my wrist, "are you sure you're okay?"

"Fine."

I'm always fine. Or okay. Why doesn't he notice I'm not fine at all?

He will want you to get help, the voice chewed on my brain like a dog would chew on a bone, and do you really want help? Help is for the quitters. You don't need help, you're okay.

That's the thing, help is for the quitters. I will stop at some point, I guess.

You'll stop when you're perfect.

The voice is right, I will stop when I'm perfect and we have a long way to go.

* *

I wriggled around on the couch and ate about three bites of my sandwich. Jack was watching Modern Family and I watched him sometimes.

His smile is something I want. It's something enchanting and dear and his smile just curves his face so perfectly.

It's because he's happy, the voice cut into my thinking. He's happy because he's perfect. Just look at him. You would be happy if you looked like him too.

I furrowed my eyebrows, he was so different from me and if that is my goal, I will be dead by the time I reach it.

If you're dead no one would miss you, the voice nipped dangerously at my throat, like come on do you really think he'd care?

No, I replied silently.

Exactly, the voice whispered, so what's the point of living? You have no one. Jack, no one has noticed, not a single soul.

The familiar stabbing feeling was back and stabbing firmly into my chest. Fuck, it felt like I was out of energy.

"You okay?" Jack cast a sideways look at me, "you're breathing funny."

"Yeah," I gasped in between breaths, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not. You can't breathe! What do I do? Who do I call? Jack can you breath?"

"Don't call anyone," I finally caught my breath, "I'm fine, see look. I'm breathing okay?"

Dumbfuck.

"Jack," G's eyes filled with worry, "I want you to go to the doctor's."

"No," I immediately replied, "look, I'm okay! I don't need to go."

"You're not you," Jack sighed, muting the TV, "you're worrying me. I will drag you there."

"Jack," I tried to object again.

"Don't," he simply said, "I'll make the appointment and take you because you're being difficult."

Fuck.

* *

authors note:

ahhhhh already a lot is happening!!

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