him | jolinsky (v slow updates)

five

gilinsky

Waking up J was the hardest thing of my day. He's always so comfortable and happy in his bed, I hate taking that away from him.

I nudged him a little harder than I was before, "come on, J. Aren't you tired of laying in bed and sleeping?"

He shook his head, "ten more minutes please."

"It's already two, come on, for me?" I bit my lip as he pulled the covers up to his chin and flipped on his stomach.

"Please, just ten," he whispered.

I shook my head, "you have to get up J, I'm sorry. We have the studio today and then we have your doctors appointment."

"Doctors appointment?" J questioned me with glaring eyes. "You didn't."

"I told you that you had to go and you weren't making an appointment so I did for you."

I noticed the state of pure terror and panic in his eyes, "I can't go! I'm okay, look at me! I'm completely normal! G, you can't let them take me."

"They're not going to take you," I began to get scared, "why would they take you?"

"They will." He whispered, clinging onto my arm like a small child would. "They will. They will. They will. They will. They will."

He repeated it over and over again, getting closer to hysterics every time. I gripped him tightly.

"I promise they won't take you from me, Jack, I promise."

"You can't promise me something you don't know the real answer to."

"Jack, you're scaring me," I sighed, "they have no reason to take you from me if you're really fine. If you're fine they can't take you from me."

He bit his lip, "I guess, I'm really not okay."

I breathed out a heavy breath, "do you care to tell me?"

"Jack," he said, tears glistening, "you're going to hate me. You're going to think I'm disgusting and weak and pathetic and not worthy of life-"

"I'm going to stop you there," I whispered, looking at his sad eyes, "I would never think of my best friend as weak or pathetic or not worthy of life. You deserve all the happiness in the world, then more happiness. Like drag happiness down from the galaxies and the stars and the planets, that's all the happiness you deserve."

"There's no life on the planets," he said, curling into me as I sat down on the bed next to him.

"They haven't proved anything," I pulled him closer to me, "now stop trying to avoid the subject and tell me what's wrong."

"What isn't wrong?" He choked out, causing me to panic slightly because why is he crying?

I rubbed his back and whispered sweet nothings into his ear, "it's okay, I got you. You're all mine, it's okay."

"I'm sad," he started, wiping viciously at the tears, "like real sad. Sometimes, I want to die."

My heart drops out of my chest and I felt my breath get caught in my windpipe, "Jack..."

"See you hate me!" He turned away and buried himself under covers, "you're going to let them take me and treat me! I don't need treatment because there's nothing wrong with being sad!"

"But there is something wrong with wanting to die, Jack. I do not hate you so stop with the bullshit right now. I adore you more than all the stars in the sky."

"I don't want to go."

Those words broke my insides, he doesn't want to go. He would rather be dead than think he's weak and needs help.

I gripped my arms around his waist, knocking the blankets off in progress. He threw his arms around my neck and sobbed.

I yanked his waist closer to me until he was practically on top of me and we were laying there. Nothing but Jack's sobs filled the room and I didn't know what to say.

I guess I can start out with why? Why was he like this? Why did this happen? Why didn't he talk to me? Why didn't I notice? Why did he want to die?

Questions ran through my mind as I squeezed my arms tighter around his waist, "I never want to lose you."

"I never want to lose you, either," he whispered back.

"You need help though, I'm not a therapist," I sighed, "as much as I know you don't want to go, you have to. Jack, this is where you are going to start living! Where you're going to be happy!"

"Happiness shouldn't come in pill bottles," he said dully, "happiness should be natural and real. I don't want their artificial happiness."

I winced at his words, wondering if that's what he felt like twenty four seven. I threw one arm over his shoulder and he reached up and interlocked our fingers.

"It's going to be okay," I whispered, dropping my head against his. "I'll cancel everything today if you really want me to."

"I really want you to."

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authors note:
srry i was distracted bc im doing this rlly bomb survivor fan fiction and yeah
SRRY OK
but my summer break starts tomorrow so hyfr