him | jolinsky (v slow updates)

three

johnson's thoughts, lower case intended

can you believe that laying in bed and thinking all day could take all of your energy away?

gilinsky had left a couple of hours ago, and he should be back in a couple minutes. i know him better than he knows himself.

the stars aligned when he's by my side and i would do anything for him to stay. i wanted him.

not in a sexual way of "want" i just want him to be here. i wanted him to talk to me and be okay with me not responding. i just want to hear his soothing voice.

i do not want help and he's going to make me go. the doctors are going to find out then jack will be disgusted with me. who the hell hates themselves so much that they think about dying? what kind of sick person is that? jack will think i'm so weak and pathetic for harming myself on purpose.

he will hate me.

but it's okay because i hate myself.

help. help? what's help going to do for you? it's going to be the same boring people telling me to take these anti-depressants and that i should keep a journal of my thoughts and a bunch of other shit that doesn't work.

i didn't go to get help before so i really can't say that it's true but that's how sam described it. sam said he hated it and he hated the anti-depressants.

i was the only one who really knew about sam other than nate - but people had their suspicions about sam.

sam had his bad days too and they were truly terrifying. he will cry and grip his hair and collapse and it's scary. and i don't want that.

even though i already have it every single day, recovery seems worse than what i am going through right now.

sam was okay now, he said that therapy was hell and talking to dozens of different therapists about his problems was hell too.

he wanted me to go, he told me. he said i would feel much better and i didn't believe him so i didn't go.

that was almost two and a half years ago when he told me to go.

this shit has been going on for nearly three years. i have been living in hell for three years and no one noticed but sam? that's fucking scary and sad all at once.

i didn't need help. i was still here right?

"jack?" a voice asked. i jumped out of my skin.

"yeah?" i replied shakily, knowing exactly who it is.

"can we talk?"

i met his brown eyes and warm smile when i looked up, "yeah."

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authors note: sad how much i can relate to this
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luv u all a lot