𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐟𝐭

Introducing, Me.

Honesty:

I am still making the same decisions that have hurt me before my shifting.. before my mind had changed and I felt I was going insane, before my pain seemed ever so clear and the reasoning I kept experiencing all these hurtful things was evident to me.

I am still not choosing me.

Because your heart is stuck in a place where two women are giving you different feelings.. I am submitting and allowing for you to take part in my being, rejecting and settling with my affectionate needs because you can't give me.. everything.

all of you.

a person in complete seems like a dream.

I am living but I am not seen.

I am loving with one hundred percent and only gaining less than fifty.

As I've vented to you, my people pleasing didn't stop at home, it lasted far too long and has seeped into the seems of our love, bursting like the tears I've cried from not feeling as if I'm enough.

There is nothing I want in this world, besides a real and true genuine love.

Listening to that old school genuwine and holding but not sipping from a glass of wine, peacefully expressing myself and really feeling as if you're seeking to help for the betterment of all I have left.

That's what I crave.

I wish for no one to feel pain.

"My whole life has changed."

I am still not okay.

Vulnerability:

I am seeking in other beings what I need from me.

I have built myself up from dust and then wiped myself down, turning a frown into a grand smile and "accepting" things for what anybody gives me.

As if I don't see myself as worthy, I settle for everything gaining nothing.

I wish it was easier for love to find me, instead I'm always reaching out, begging, crying and explaining just wishing for someone to understand the things I've seen.

The things I believe I have to deal with for real love to stay close to me when really I am losing more and more of me with every time I try and hold onto these feelings, and the love I try to give myself is no better because in the end I choose everybody else.

Growing up and realizing that I am used to a love that is thrown back in my face the moment I do something unlikely.

Or a love surrounded by money and the idea of it being given to me is more than enough to pay for the lack of affection and sentimental feelings.

Or a love that's never there for more than a few minutes at a time. Giving me a quick smile and a joke to save for later and maybe even a penny for my luck, when you're done, when you're up and gone, I am left with a blank stare, and fading smile, wishing and looking down a road of one thousand miles.

A love that leaves me longing.

Growing... I've realized I spot parts of these qualities from "love" given to me by family in the men i choose to participate in dating.

I am attracted to these negative qualities.

I've never done things for someone to do the same for me, but I wish my faults could be as easily forgiven as I'd done for the things he did to me.

I don't want a man for his money.

When we're spending time with each other I wish for more than a limit of two hours and some petty kissing, I want the time to pass me by because I'm so happy that I didn't realize the sun had set and the moon rose to the occasion, and a heartfelt connecting that I become stuck in and my clothes get caught in your caressing.

I am trying to learn more about me so I can adjust and love correctly.

Loving someone else of course, but most importantly,

loving me.

A new journey:

Now I am here, still sitting in my mess with my head full of the new knowledge I possess and realizations and discoveries of my reality.

I am changing with every day, my life having more meaning with every person I meet.

I am in a place where I don't have much choice but a lot of space to move but still I cannot breathe.

A place where I think I'm happy but then I'm reminded of how my faith is continuously slipping.

A moment where your life has changed and nothing feels the same, whether it's acts of rebellion or just triggered responses on pain, I have much to gain but at what stakes and cost will I pay to receive these things?

I am learning who I am and all that not others have done but what I've contributed to my hurting.

Finally understanding that life never gets easier, but you simply get better at managing and building that Space for you to continue flourishing.

This is what you call... shifting.

- LaDonna
6/14/2023