chasing the boys ✔️ (cut version)

120

Xavi
today

Xavi:
Here?

Anjo:
Here

Xavi:
I'm calling.

Anjo:
Ok 🥰

FACETIME
Xavi
Accept | Decline

AUDIO CALL
📞

Xavi:
San tayo naputol?

Anjo:
Sa uhh
Sabi mo may ginawa ka?

Xavi:
Yeah.
Okay.
Here.

Xavi:
I told you that my mom left behind several last wishes for me, right?

Anjo:
Yeah?
One of them is mainlove sa girl na seryoso and ikaw lang mamahalin?

Xavi:
Yes.
But there's more.
Mom, you see, is very kind and charitable. The type to remind me to always be generous, be good, be kind to everyone. Friends, strangers. Women. Children. Elderly. Name it.

She's the type na kahit buhay pa siya at nasa hospital pa, pinamimigay na niya mga gamit niya. It made me so angry but she said it was better to sacrifice and give than receive. Because we were born privileged. Because we had the means to do so.
I always thought it was toxic generosity.

Anjo:
(quietly listening)

Xavi:
I was just eight years old back then. It was difficult for me to understand her especially when it was also a rough time in my life. Back then, I was being bullied for being privileged. Kids my age often stole my belongings, and one day, I fought back.
Mom got so upset that I resorted to violence. She was still onto that. Be kind. Be understanding.

Nagtampo ako sa kanya nang sobra. Nagalit ako.
I said words I didn't mean. That I was tired. That I hated how kind she was. That I hated how she was forcing that on me.
Ilang araw ko siyang di pinuntahan.
Unfortunately, she passed away during that time.

Anjo:
(sucks in breath, surprised)
Oh no.
Xavi...

Xavi:
Yeah. But that's not the hardest part.
All those months, I was struggling with her disease. It was hard enough to see her deteriorate everyday and I was the witness to it. It was even harder because I was watching my dad deteriorate alongside her.

She was dying. Everyday, I watched her grow thin, grow different, grow frail. My dad was also turning to alcohol. He was having a hard time.

No'ng mga panahong 'yon, I put my dad on a pedestal. So seeing him cry almost every night, I couldn't handle it.

It came to the point when I started thinking... na sana ngayon na... sana matapos na.
...sana wala na lang siya.
(pauses)
But when it finally happened...
(pauses)

Anjo:
Tangi...

Xavi:
(takes a deep breath)
The guilt I felt was enormous. I felt like I killed her.
We never got to reconcile and that last memory turned me into this hateful and bitter asshole in high school. I pushed everyone away.
I tried forgetting her because... it hurt so much.
I was so guilty.