𝗧𝗪𝗘𝗡𝗧𝗬 𝗦𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦

ch.x:my back

CHAPTER TEN 🐛

Von:
it sucks being clear on how you feel but not being able to express it. it sucks even more to not know how or why you feel the way you feel— about anyone or anything. it's my fault though. i made everybody think i was emotionless, numb, calm, nonchalant, etcetera etcetera. but i had to it. i had to do it to protect myself. but now, i'm thinking, what if its necessary to let them know? i've tried so hard for so long to create a facade; to fool everybody, make them believe that i'm not who i am. there's people, though, who know. they don't believe a thing i say. them the people i need. lay lay, ari, fuzz, chlo. they're my people. my family. i know they're always right behind me.

"Yeah, y'all should come thru. It's my first show."

"How come I ain't know?"

He gave me this look. This look was cold, nearly. This look stood, no towered over me like an abusive narcissistic partner who asked why you wanted to leave them. This look gave a little disgust. But, in true Fuzze fashion, it was all masked with a brilliant smile and calm, relaxed features. But I know his eyes. "Know what?" He asked. He was upset with me. I knew he would be, so I didn't return the energy because it was earned. I ghosted him like I did everybody else when I left. He didn't deserve that.

"About your show tonight? If I wasn't here to see my moms you wouldn't said nothing?"

"It's all over social media, Von. I sent you a flyer to your inbox."

"You know I ain't on social media like that."

"Well I don't got your new number, bro." He shrugged and smiled. "I don't know what else you wanted me to do. I can't beg somebody to show up."

"I'm sorry."

He nodded accepting. But, "Nah, i'm just saying, I can't reach you, I can't reach you. No hard feelings, I'm just not the type to go thru all these people to get a message across, you feel me?"

I reached across the table and took his phone from his hands and added my new number. "There."

He huffed, putting his hand over his mouth.

"It's crazy." He mumbled, "Some shit really don't change."

"That's true. I could never."

He smirked, but I know he's still mad. He's always at least a little upset, naturally. He's a double aries with a libra moon. But, I could tell that alongside that permanent mood was a little hurt. However hurt, he was putting it aside because he was happy to see me. As I was him.

We're alot alike, Fuzze and me. Fools, we are. Naïve, we are. Misunderstood. Overstated. Overstimulated yet calm. We get along sometimes because we are the same. We bump heads often because we are the same. Three months go by quietly because we are the same. He was grateful for the pause, why is he mad? That's why I don't ask why. I know why. We both know why. We're both the don't ask, don't tell type. We're soulful that way; soulless that way too— it's why we don't have a lot of friends. Relating to the public; relating to oneself, impossible. Too hard. Which is why its too easy to go quiet— to go ghost. Which is what I did. Why is he mad when he did it too? Like bro, you're mad because I never heard from you?

I laughed in my head but accidentally out loud too. Ari glared at me, uncomfortable, I could tell. Her eyes were begging me to stop. I do this all the time. But it isn't on purpose. It's just how I am.

I stared at Fuzze, waiting for him to say something else, also fearing he might just stand up to leave— both possibilities a little scary amongst company.

"So, can we get front row? I wanna get some footage. Working on a sequel for Young Gifted and Black." Chloe injected herself, freeing me.

"Only if I can get a chapter. Like Von."

"Of course!" She said excited. "The sequel, i'm thinking, will be released as like a series instead of one documentary. So, each artist will have like a special instead of a highlight."

"That's really dope!" He smiled at her, "You need any help on it? Producers, editors, idealist." He listed off possibilities. "Money?" He added.

"I haven't really thought about adding anyone to the team, actually. But, I think i'd be open to it. I been a one girl show for so long."

"Let me know." He nodded in offering. "I got a issue with doing everything myself too. Maybe we could work together sometimes. You know, take a load off?"

That's the person he is— what makes me and him different. Fuzze is friendly, open, optimistic amongst his grumbliness. It is a well balance he has. He tried to teach me. But i'm unteachable. I'm also unchangeable. That makes us different. I'm dried putty. He's a fresher, newer version of the same putty ( malleable, moveable, adjustable). He looked at me, swirling his straw in his drink.

"Vonnie." He called, "What is Hakeem up to?" He kept his face unreadable. It was his turn to make me mad as I had him. "You seen him lately?"

I smirked, "Yeah, actually. Spent a little time with him this weekend."

"Oh, you seeing him?"

"Nah, you know I don't do the dating. We were amongst friends. Right y'all?" I looked around the table at Ari and Chloe. "Ari planned a cabin trip."

"And I wasn't invited?"

"Sorry, I didn't know about you." Ari apologized.

He scratched his chin with his thumb. Oh he's mad. Livid, even. Fuzze nodded his head, "Can I talk to you?" He asked me, standing up from the booth. Of course I followed. The trip to the bathroom was slight. He checked the stalls before locking the main door, keeping the public out. "Why you acting different? I thought we were straight when you moved back home. I mean I figured I wouldn't hear from you in a while. But,"

"I didn't know about the cabin, I swear."

"And apparently your friends don't know about me. We're friends right?"

"Of course."

"Do you remember the last time we saw each other?"

I nodded.

"That was a good night right?"

"Duh. Haven't had another like it."

He laughed, moving closer to me. "That's what went through my mind the first time I seen you through the window earlier. Then you was all awkward when I came in so I know you thought about it too."

"What did you do with it?"

"I still have it. Tucked away somewhere safe. But can I tell you the truth?"

I nodded, anticipatory nausea running through my veins causing my stomach to ache. I hate that question. It's always something you knew and wondered but never wanted to ask. It's like the people can feel your thoughts and they're so loud that they need to be addressed. Or sometimes it's like you and said person are one person— one thought, one feeling, one person.

"That was my first kiss." He admitted. "I would've never admitted it had you been someone else. But you're you and it means something to me to tell you everything."

My voice trembled before I could even get the first word out so I shut my mouth and wanted to start again but he moved— he was headed towards the door like we were in a coming of age and he just came out to his best friend who was sort of a homophobe. But i'm me. And it's hard for me to chase just like it is hard for him to. I didn't see him again until I came back to the table where he was already seated. He didn't want to look at me but he did and I hate that he decided to do this now because Ari is so perceptive and she probably already  knows. How could she know before I did.

It was a film. What we did that night. Something random i'd thought of. A spontaneous flick where we both swore to only do what first came to mind— never altering; only organic, unadulterated and raw. I never named it. I wanted that to come naturally too.

We were in his apartment and I set up a few cameras so we wouldn't ever break the frame. It was some real shit. I never went back to look at it. I gave him the drives and told him to hold onto to them until I came back. I felt like after that, once it had ended, and we had looked at one another that we had become different (changed somehow). But I never called and neither did he. I guess it makes sense now. All of it makes sense. But it doesn't make enough sense. Not to me; not yet.

december 25 2023