Purposefully Accidental

Chapter Forty-five

Jonah hooks his arm with mine, and my legs move almost robotically, following his lead.

He sits us down at a smaller table in the back corner of the ballroom. My eyes are glued to his face, trying to understand, searching for that piece of puzzle that I'm missing.

Once we're sitting down, he places a hand on my arm carefully. "Hannah?" he says in a low voice. "I know this isn't the right place for us to talk. But I'm really sorry—"

At his words, his apology, my heartbeat starts to stutter again. "No, no, Jonah, I—I," I stammer, my breath catching in my throat. "I didn't, this isn't what I—I—"

"Hey, hey. Can you calm down for me? You're panicking, Hannah," he says softly, while keeping a safe distance away from me as though he doesn't want to be caught touching me.

I draw my hands to my chest, as if it would help slow down the frantic beats of my heart. "I was—I wanted to tell you, I didn't know how. But this isn't what it looks like—"

"I know, Hannah. It's okay. Hey, come on. Breathe slowly for me, please? Can you do that?"

I gasp for air desperately and try my hardest to calm down. There are too many people here, too many eyes in the room to witness me having a meltdown at the Archers' most important night of the year.

I can hear Jonah curse softly to himself as I try to catch my breath. I think he's moving his chair around, so that he's hiding me from the rest of the room. He takes both of my hands, giving them a gentle grip. "In and out, yeah? Easy. Can you follow me?"

"Uh-huh."

"That's good. You're doing really great. Will you count your breaths with me?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, just slowly." He inhales loudly, exaggerating it. And exhales just as loud, long and careful. "That's one." I follow his deep breaths with every count, until I regain my senses and finally see the gentle smile on his face.

"Ten," I finish the count with him. "I'm okay."

"Alright?"

"Uh-huh."

A strange look passes over his face it almost looks like guilt. He rubs my knuckles with his thumbs before carefully letting go of my hands. My breath hitches, missing the warmth already.

Then, he says to me, "I'm sorry."

I don't understand it. I should be the one apologizing. I don't understand the guilt on his face. So I ask him, "What for?"

He pauses to glance around, and in reflex, I do the same. Thankfully, nobody's noticing us in this corner—everyone is too busy talking to important people. Jonah leans just slightly closer. "I should've told you. I was going to—when I saw you in the park. But I wasn't completely sure you'd be here tonight. I don't know why I'd even think that. Of course you'd be here."

He looks down on his lap, looking like he's berating himself for something. "Jonah. I don't understand."

"If I'd known that you'd react like that—that you'd panic—" He pulls himself away from me. Wipes a hand over his mouth. He scoots his chair backwards, to its previous place. A safe distance away from me.

"Did you—" I bring my hands up and pointedly twist my diamond ring. "You're... you're not surprised," I accuse.

He glances at the ring and finally meets my eyes. "... No. I'm not."

I bit my trembling lip. "You knew. You've... you've always known."

"Not... not always. Not until recently. I didn't recognize your married name, and didn't make a connection. Not until later."