The next Christmas, the ritual continued. Shen Nianci roped a friend into delivering another apple to Li Yingze's new school. The year after that, it was the same story. She vaguely remembered him muttering, "You really don't have to."
Shen Nianci offered a wry smile.
"There's an old saying – apples on Christmas Eve bring good luck," she replied, a line she still used sometimes. Then, with a pang of something bittersweet, she added, "Next year, I guess there'll be no one to send it to."
That message hung in the void – no reply ever came from Li Yingze.
Li Yingze remained a puzzle, a boy shrouded in mystery. Their small school wasn't exactly known for being peaceful, and rumors of bullying swirled.
Worried sick, Shen Nianci enlisted a friend to keep an eye on him. That night, a message from him: "Don't worry about me. You didn't need to do that."
Shen Nianci fired back an emoji and a quick reply: "Just worried about you getting picked on."
Later, it turned out he probably never needed anyone to watch his back. He was tough on his own. It took her a while to figure that out – he never ran with the bad crowd, yet somehow, they all seemed to know him.
Shen Nianci never got the chance to ask why. Maybe those rough times taught him how to handle himself.
Looking back on everything now, a laugh sometimes bubbled up in her chest. It was crazy to think Li Yingze hadn't even graduated from middle school yet back then.
The setting sun bled fiery orange across half the sky as Shen Nianci lingered by the doorway of her fourth-floor classroom. Spotting Li Yingze about to head down, she hurried after him, only to get delayed.
By the time she reached the bottom of the stairs by the playground, he was already waiting, his figure backlit by the golden glow of the evening sun. Her heart hammered in her chest as the school radio piped in an eerily fitting song:
"Empty words whisper from above," the lyrics crooned, "lost in the everyday, searching gazes meet. A silent plea for a goodnight, but it falls on deaf ears. Used to the empty space you left, I pretend indifference, all alone."
Their eyes met in a silent exchange. Li Yingze lingered for what felt like an eternity, and Shen Nianci, tongue-tied, fumbled for her phone.
"Were you waiting for me?" she finally managed to text.
"Nah, waiting for Brother A," he replied, followed by a facepalm emoji. Shen Nianci shot back an equally awkward thumbs-up.
Maybe her daydreams were just that – dreams. Or maybe Li Yingze was just bad at saying no. Either way, Shen Nianci found herself caught in a confusing web of unspoken feelings. To avoid getting tangled deeper in emotions she couldn't handle, she stopped burning the midnight oil and swore off Chinese love songs for a long time.
That period was pure torture for Shen Nianci. Gym class with its free activity periods and the cacophony during exams were her personal hell. Ostracized by her classmates, she'd slink back to the empty classroom during group activities, a constant reminder that no one wanted her on their team. These memories sent shivers down her spine; the only solace she found was clinging to the memory of Li Yingze.
They were like oil and water, existing in the same school but never truly connecting, their paths briefly intersecting before diverging once more.
Even after high school graduation, Shen Nianci clung to a desperate hope, reaching out to Li Yingze on multiple occasions.
December 27th, 2018.
Shen Nianci messaged Li Yingze: "Three days till...?"
His reply was cryptic: "What you can't hold onto, eventually slips away."
Indeed, what couldn't be held would fade. But what exactly was Shen Nianci clinging to?
Li Yingze occasionally lurked on her social media and music streaming profile, their online lives brushing against each other like ghosts.
December 19th, 2021.
Shen Nianci posted a cryptic message: "Nobody ever truly lets go."
Li Yingze responded by promptly deleting her contact. Shen Nianci stared at the empty space in her contacts list, a bitter laugh escaping her lips. Stretched out on her bed, staring at the ceiling, a realization dawned on her: it was time to let go.
But the lingering echoes of their uncertain connection made true closure elusive for Shen Nianci.
Li Yingze could be a mystery. Once, out of the blue, he messaged her in Japanese: "ヤスミナサイ" (Yasu minasai), which meant "goodnight."
Knowing he was into anime, Shen Nianci started watching a bunch of shows, hoping to find something they could chat about. Unfortunately, that opportunity never materialized.
Li Yingze also popped up in her dreams quite often. In one particularly vivid one, he seemed mad, grumbling, "Don't talk to other guys; I get jealous."
The dream's absurdity stuck with her, blurring the lines between reality and sleep. Waking up, she felt a jolt of youthful excitement, like a fragile sprout pushing through parched earth.
Maybe in those dreams, Shen Nianci grasped at a happiness that should have been hers, a feeling just out of reach. But dreams fade, and harsh reality shattered the illusion, leaving behind a hollow ache.
Li Yingze, did you ever truly care about me in the whirlwind of your youth? Do you even remember me now?
Shen Nianci couldn't escape the chilling certainty – one day, Li Yingze's memories of her would vanish. His voice, her face, all gone. He might even say to someone, "Shen Nianci? The name sounds familiar, but I can't quite place it."
The thought was a razor blade scraping against her heart, leaving a raw, permanent scar. Every time she remembered, the pain lanced through her.
Shen Nianci had once challenged him, "Do you even feel anything?"
Li Yingze's reply was cryptic: "I'm not numb."
So he did feel something, it just wasn't for her. Why hadn't she seen this before? Ten years stuck on this one-sided track.
A wave of despair washed over her. It felt like she was straining to climb a mountain, only to keep losing ground.
Regret gnawed at her. It all felt like a colossal waste of time and energy.
The day they walked the sports field together, she'd blurted out, "What if I waited for you until graduation?"
Li Yingze offered no answer. As she watched him, a thought struck her: my unrequited feelings weren't his burden to carry.
"My sky has no sun, always night,
But not dark, for something else replaces the sun,
Not as bright, but enough for me,
With this light, I treat the night as day.
I've never had the sun, so I fear no loss."
- Higashino Keigo's Journey Under the Midnight Sun
CZYTASZ
Secret Love at the Equator by Xia Zhiyao
Dla nastolatkówThere was this boy in her youth who stole her heart completely. But for almost ten years, her feelings were a one-way street. Every time Li Yingze glanced back, it was never for her.
