Secret Love at the Equator by Xia Zhiyao

Extra Chapter: The Courage of Eighteen

One sleepless night, Shen Nianci couldn't stop tossing and turning. Her mind drifted back to the awkward excuse she used to add Li Yingze on chat: "Thinking of writing a book, can I add you?"

Amazingly, that flimsy reason had flown with him. Maybe that's why their online connection had never truly died over the years.

Li Yingze just wasn't good at saying no, and Shen Nianci, well, she wasn't the most assertive person, but she also wasn't one to give up easily. As long as he didn't reject her outright, she clung to the hope that maybe, just maybe, there was still a chance.

That night, sleep evaded Shen Nianci. Her mind grappled with a single question: If she actually wrote this book, would he even want to read it?

After days of internal struggle, she decided to channel her eighteen-year-old courage and sent Li Yingze a message: "Zeze, if I wrote a story about our youth, would you be interested in reading it?"

Shen Nianci hit send, then practically bolted from the chat window. She jumped to another app, anything to distract herself, before immediately swiping down the notification bar and enabling Do Not Disturb mode.

Deep down, she knew she was just avoiding disappointment. The truth was, after that bold move, Li Yingze might very well leave her on read.

Even with the app switch, her mind was glued to the message. She fought the urge to check QQ for what felt like hours, until a notification accidentally caught her eye.

With a hesitant click, half-convinced it was nothing, she saw a reply from Li Yingze. To her utter surprise, it read:

"Of course, I would. Sounds like a great project!"

Shen Nianci reread his message, a whirlwind of emotions swirling inside her.

He'd actually replied, and not just a simple response, but praise! It was like being seventeen again, the giddy joy of spinning in circles after Li Yingze accepted her friend request flooding back.

This message felt like a bridge back to her youth, a chance to reconnect. They talked for hours that day, but then he mentioned he was seeing someone.

A wave of disappointment crashed over her. Tears welled up, and she found herself hiding under the covers, succumbing to the same watery release she'd allowed herself at seventeen.

Later that night, a strange clarity washed over Shen Nianci. The all-consuming intensity of her feelings for Li Yingze began to fade.

A realization dawned: the Li Yingze in her head wasn't the same person anymore. He wouldn't understand her unspoken words or the depth of her emotions.

The boy she'd tirelessly chased after had grown up, moved on, leaving behind the version she clung to.

Maybe in those years of silence, Li Yingze had built new friendships, found new people who filled the void. He wasn't the lonely boy who once shared her dreams.

A deep sense of loss settled over her. The person she'd chased after with such fervor in her youth now felt like a distant memory. Shen Nianci struggled to articulate the complex knot of emotions churning within her.

Back at her family home, Shen Nianci stumbled upon a diary from her senior year of high school, its pages crammed with her teenage angst.

She spent an afternoon reliving those days, devouring every entry. Each day's events meticulously documented, each page ending with the same heart-wrenching refrain:

"Li Yingze, I miss you so much."

Tears welled up as she traced the words in the diary. Even rereading them brought a sharp pang of longing. How had she even moved on from that all-consuming ache?

Over time, Shen Nianci built a large circle of friends. They'd comment on her sunny disposition, her vibrant social life. But Shen Nianci would just smile politely, a mask for the hollowness that gnawed at her.

Deep down, she felt like a walking contradiction - optimistic on the surface, yet prone to unexplained tears.

These were things Li Yingze wouldn't understand anymore. He was happy. Maybe fate, in a cruel twist, had granted her silent prayers.

Li Yingze was in love. Who knew what kind of girls he liked these days? Beautiful, funny, optimistic, talented? It didn't matter anymore. She wasn't any of those things.

Shen Nianci never knew much about his girlfriend, but one thing was clear: Li Yingze was smitten. Back in the day, PUBG wasn't his thing. He hadn't logged in for months. Then, one day, Shen Nianci's heart skipped a beat.

There he was, online!

But when she tried to spectate his game, she hit a wall - Li Yingze had disabled the option.

It dawned on her: he'd probably topped up his account and bought fancy in-game skins, all to impress his new girl.

A sharp pang of jealousy shot through her. Despite knowing how this would end, Shen Nianci craved that brutal honesty. She needed to hear him say the words out loud:

"I just don't like you, and never will."

Sometimes, you just need to hear things out loud to truly extinguish lingering hope.

Shen Nianci couldn't let go. Eight years felt like an eternity, and the future stretched out before her, offering no solace. Closure seemed out of reach.

Given a do-over, she wouldn't fall for Li Yingze again. In fact, she'd turn and walk away the moment their paths first crossed. But there were no time machines, no second chances. Regret was a bitter pill to swallow.

And now, a horrifying realization dawned on her. Maybe her intense feelings hadn't been endearing, but a burden. Perhaps her affection had crossed a line, turning into something closer to harassment.

It all clicked into place a little too late, but she sent him an apology anyway.

Li Yingze's reply surprised her. "Me too. I should've been clearer back then."

Shen Nianci let out a humorless laugh. An apology now felt like closing the barn door after the horses had bolted. She was stuck picking up the pieces.

"Let it go, Shen Nianci," she whispered to herself. "There's no point in fighting it anymore."

But a hollow ache had settled in her chest. A part of her life, a big part, felt like it had vanished. Sadness washed over her, laced with a bitter pang for Li Yingze's belated realization. Eight years too late. She was still in the same place, emotionally adrift, while he'd moved on.

Even though time had passed, Shen Nianci couldn't shake the image of him in that white shirt, every flicker of emotion on his face etched in her memory. He'd been a beacon of hope in those lonely days.

With these answers, bittersweet though they may be, it was time for Shen Nianci to say goodbye to those eight years of her youth.

Farewell, Li Yingze.

Farewell to the vibrant innocence of my youth.