The Meaning Of Eternity (TMOE #1)

Chapter 27: Done with emotions

He was just numb.

Back when he'd been a child he'd always felt strong emotions afterwards. Guilt, fear, anxiety and shame among many, but now he couldn't feel a thing.

He slowly turned his head to look at the closed door with an empty expression. Seth had already left an hour ago or so, but Lucius still couldn't move properly even if he'd wanted to.

Suddenly tears returned to his eyes.

He'd been so stupid. Of course he'd never be forgiven for what he did. Why had he thought nine years would make a difference? For Dyris' sake, it'd just made it worse.

"Wrinkleface..." he whispered as he turned to bury his face in the pillow. It was hard to breathe, but the discomfort of lying on his back kept him from rolling over. "... Did you know? That this would happen if I went back?"

The familiar, creeping sensation as though a dozen of spiders had begun crawling along his ribs struck him, signalling the presence of the Scourge.

"As far as common sense and knowledge of your past goes."

Lucius sighed, fingers curling around the sheet underneath him.

"I really am that fucking stupid after all, huh?"

"And weak. That's why you needed me in the first place."

"Yeah, that's... That's why," Lucius whispered, turning his gaze to stare at the dirty floor. "I was stupid. I—I shouldn't have left him like I did. It's no wonder he was so furious with me. And then I returned and wanted him to forget about it all, as if I thought nothing of his feelings. I... I really did deserve—"

A sharp pain shot through his head and he gasped, raising a hand to press against it. It had happened before. Those random bursts of pain usually caused by his insecurity or refusal to leave his past behind, but this time it wouldn't stop. It kept pulsating through his head and he moaned as it slowly grew more intense.

"How long are you going to let people treat you like that? You think you've done something wrong when the entire world has been abusing you since you were a child.  And you let them, because you're so desperate for someone to care about you that any treatment is acceptable."

Lucius let a trembling sob escape him as the grinding headache wouldn't stop.

"You—You could have helped me... Why didn't you stop me from going back if you knew this would happen?"

A brief moment of silence passed, and then the pain let up a little as the voice returned, a bit softer than before. Not that a Scourge's voice could ever feel soothing.

"That creature tried to stop you, didn't it?"

Lucius blinked tears away from his eyes.

"But I... I thought you were trying to make me claim Anthony's position."

"By staying put in that place. There were several reasons."

"I just—I don't get you." Lucius shook his head, curling up further to ease the pain in his back. "Would it have been so hard to just give me that power right away? I—I don't even have any yet and I've still had to suffer so much because of you. Was it just... Just a lie? Do you even—"

"Did you expect to be crowned king the next day? You had to come from somewhere. A child claiming a powerful position on his own would be overthrown and killed before he got the chance to do anything."

"But there were so many other ways I—"

"Besides, I thought you could use some experience. I thought you'd mature and grow to be someone at least slightly worthy of the help and power I'd extend to you. Clearly, I was wrong, and you're still the miserable, sentimental brat I approached that day."