From Grief to Colour| ✓

V- A New Face

It's been two weeks and the world I see is grey. My handmaidens and ladies have been trying to cheer me up but I told them they shouldn't worry. Everyday I see sympathetic looks and tiny smiles that want to tell me 'everything will be okay soon'. I muster the strength to work each day and to collapse crying every night.

A brave face of a mask that hides deep veins of tears, I pondered. Epyllio- a poet from hundreds of years ago- may be branded in my mind leftover from my literature studies but it's the only way of describing how I am in these moments without breaking. And I know that I am putting on the brave face. Everyday since then, my eyes are sunken in, my skin pale and devoid of life.

It's suppose to be a natural process-but I can tell how I am acting is not. Or is it? I can't tell the difference anymore. Everything is so muddled up.

The gardens become a maze, towns become a challenge, to look is to notice what's there and what's not there, to talk is so aggravating to myself- my mind is way too tired to comprehend what is what.

I can't help but keep noting what has changed and not. The only difference within all of what I do, is that my sister is no longer here to help. To guide. To support. To love.

My sister would always be right, and does everything she can do to help me and think for others. But I never focused on the day one of us will actually die.

I thought we can deal with it when the time comes but it was too soon. And too quick. I feel like the world had froze and moved at light speed at the exact same time- and it's killing me. Ripping my mind.

I can't move on but I know I should- I have responsibility to take care of but I must have time for myself- but it just- I don't know anymore.

From what I can tell, my subjects have been quite cautious of me, most likely due to my mood swings and how snappy I am now.

"Your Highness, spring is almost gone and we need to start planting the crops and tending to the blossoms." Robert advised.

"You, the advisors and the royal gardeners go do that. Right now I'm busy." I tell him. I'm not busy now but my mind is too far away to think at this moment about seeds and trees.

"Um-"

"Well?" I snapped. "Go on. Help yourself out." I ordered.

Robert flinched, looking a bit deflated and bowed shakily before heading off.

Before he turned left going out, I cry, "Sorry Robert, I...I am swamped with things to do and...I need all the time I can to sort things out. I'm sorry for snapping at you."

He is one of the generally kind servants that have been tending to me and my sister as children and he is one of the few that have stayed the longest.

He gave me a timid, kind smile and told me, "I understand, my queen." He gave another bow and walked away. I sat there a bit longer. Is what I think I feel, different to what others think and see me as? I have no idea.

***

I walked along the corridors that leads to the field, where I have been spending more time at now doing absolutely nothing productive since the funeral, and entering the humid outdoors. I can feel the place is haunted. I can still see ghostly imprints in the grass and bushes where my sister had ripped her cloak and stomped at. Where she had been working hard at in the sun. Laughing and challenging with her fellow knights.

Then I hear Hagrid rushing down the hallways, as usual, "Your Majesty, wait! We need to alert you of the new-"

"Save it. I wish to go survey our knights. After what happened last time we cannot let it happen again."