BETA MINE (mxm || lgbtq)

Part 1

A B A L O N

I keep vigil at Javier's side. I'm on some sort of autopilot. Somehow I manage to keep my emotions in check as I stare at his face. He looks peaceful. Dead... but peaceful. I hope he finds that in whatever awaits him in the afterlife. Peace. Happiness. Love.

I glance at the clock noting that in about two hours he should be placed on his pyre and the beginning of his end shall commence.

My lips itch to press against his. He should have my first kiss is my thought as I lean over him. "Open your eyes" that's what I wish I could say and he would. I wish I could command him in death like I'm some sort of God.

I can't. He'd never open his eyes again. He'd never look at me again or smile at Avery. His lips would never sing his son lullabies again. His arms would never wrap around us as we play pretend that we're a family. His legs would never take him anywhere again, neither toward us nor away from us. His heart will never love again. Not Ivan, not me, not Avery. I'll never feel his warmth or his body against mine.

I wish I could go back in time and accept him. Take what he was offering and mate with him. If only I knew then what I knew now...

As I think about that I can't lie to myself. I won't ever settle for less. Maybe this was the best that could have happened between us.

We would have lived our lives hurting each other emotionally, maybe even hating each other one day had I not known him outside of the mate bond.

I still love him. No matter what I still love him. It's better this way. I try to convince myself. I don't want to hurt him as much as I wish I could. I don't want to kill him the way he did me. Now both of us are dead in a way. Me emotionally and him physically. I'll always keep his memory alive. His son has much to learn about his father.

"Why Javier?" I ask knowing full well he can't answer me.

"You knew, you bastard. You knew she'd take your very life!" I hiss in his face remembering Yana's words of what Javier did with his assets.

"You've left me alone to care for our pup. You've left me alone." My lips tremble at the words. I take my full share of responsibility for Javier's death but it still hurts to know he made this decision knowing full well the outcome.

"You think you did me a favor by giving away your life?" I scoff.

"Did you think it'll be easier if you're not here? Did you think I can be a single father? Did you think..." I want to pound on him.

"Did you think that I could live without you?" I'm full on sobbing again.

"I can't! I can't live my life normally with Avery and just forget about you. I can't love anybody else. I don't want anybody else. I just want you. I want what you were trying to give me. I want it all back. Even all the heartache and pain if it means you'd be here with me, with our son." Oh Goddess why is this happening to me, to us?

Javier's death is on my hands. The thought staggers me. It is my fault. If I had stopped dwelling on and in my pain maybe I would have seen past his indiscretion.

I bury my face in his neck trying to inhale him one last time before I can't anymore.

"Do you mean it?"

I flinch as the sudden voice inside here with me.

I glance around and saw nothing. I look back to Javier's corpse and then I saw her in front of me on the other side of Javier looking down on him as I am.

Everything I would wish to say on the word beautiful she is it and more.

"Do you mean all that you've just said?" I gasp in surprise as she touches Javier's cheek.

"Who are you and how did you get in here?" I ask boldly and she chuckles.

"The two of you are quite a pair. One of my best if only you had gotten a chance to become one." I frown at her. Oh my... well... Goddess. She chuckles, her voice a crisp tinkling in my ear.

"If you could go back, what would you do differently?" she asks and I shrug.

I think on it for a while, "Nothing." She smiles at my answer. It's totally true though.

"And if you had a second chance with your Beta?" she asks still caressing Javier's cheek.

"I don't know. I'd make him suffer for a while but I'd want him as mine as he was fated." I reply and she giggles.

"How would you make him suffer?"

"I'd date him for a few years and hold out sex." I laugh and she laughs along with me. This is so freaking absurd. Here I am chatting with a strange lady that appeared out of thin air about something that is impossible.

"I'd open my heart to him fully." I say. "I'd accept his love. I'd let myself fall in love with him again." I smile sadly and look down at him. My Javier. Beta Mine.

"We'd be a family. Him and me and Avery." I whisper and look up.

She's gone. I'm alone again with my dead Beta.

I am somewhat prepared when they come for him. His comrades picking up his arranged body for the cremation. I follow numbly behind until he is placed atop the pyre.

Ivan is crying silently. My parents stand off to the side. My pup nowhere in sight.

"Avery is with the other children." Yana whispers placing a supporting hand to my shoulder.

I just nod. She approaches and stands with the rest of us. Alpha Tyke stands grimly before us with red eyes together with the Enforcers at his side. I can't bear to look at them so I focus on Javier atop his pyre.

My heart aches. Oh, how everything aches. My mind and my body, my very soul aches for what I've lost.

Alpha Tyke starts the cremation ritual. He reads Javier's scroll. All of his accomplishments, sings his praises as a Beta to our pack. Friends come forward and it hits me that I don't even know Javier as well as I thought. These men and women speak such sweet words about him that I can't recall.

I didn't even know Javier had friends if I am honest. I don't know what he liked to do for fun. I don't know if he liked music over books or the other way around. All I know is what he liked to eat because I've cooked for him over the last few months.

I'm snatched back by reality when I hear my name."Abalon Penn." My eyes snap towards Alpha Tyke in question. He approaches me and I frown hard.

"You can say your final goodbye." He says to me while gazing at Javier's pyre. Only a mate, legacy, parent or Alpha can do such a thing and I am neither to Javier.

"They say it is okay. The paper work has not been submitted yet." He chin nod towards the Enforcers.

"I..." my words fail me. I already said my good bye. I gaze at the pyre.

My first kiss...

He should have my first kiss.

I nod at Alpha Tyke and approach. I climb the ladder and look down at Javier. My Beta.

I lean towards him, my lips a hair's breathe away from his. I couldn't close my eyes.

"I love you." I whisper just before my lips touch his.

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A/N

I love you all. All of you. Every single one of you. Every. Single. One. Of. You.