Immature Infatuation - Bad Education

7

    It was the morning, and Harper had just woken up. She pushed herself up and winced when she felt a pain in her back. Confused, she walked up to her mirror and lifted her top up slightly to look at the base of her back. And, there, was a rather large, angry bruise that was covering a large area of her lower spine. Presumably, it was from yesterday's antics with Grayson in the canteen.
"Well, shit." She simply said.
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"Can everyone please be quiet? Sssshhhhh."
Harper groaned as she walked onto the minibus that held her class. She had forgotten that today was the day that Form K had to go on a school trip, and all she wanted to do was go back to sleep.
"Erm, can you listen to Mr Wickers, please?" Said Miss Gulliver, "Settle down."
"Hang on. Hang on." The driver of the bus said, picking up a microphone, "If you want their attention, start with a joke... What do you call a black mailman?"
"Right." Said Alfie, snatching the microphone.
Harper slowly walked down the aisle and silently cursed when she saw that Chantelle and Stephen were already sitting together. She scanned the bus and looked for an empty seat. And, she found one, and she could feel her despair. As she flopped down, she looked to the right of her.
"Excited, Pariss?" Mitchell asked, and she just looked at him before putting her headphones in.
"OK." Alfie continued. "Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip. Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo."
Suddenly, the driver groggily stood up. Alfie was slightly taken aback.
"What do you want?"
"To say a few words." The driver responded, a crazy look in his eye.
"It's not a wedding." Alfie said, sarcastically.
"Now," The driver began, ignoring Alfie, "I only have one rule... There are no rules."
"Except," Alfie butted in, "annoyingly, all of the school rules.. And one new rule." Alfie added.
"Please don't do anything Mitchell dares you to do."
The whole bus turned to look at Joe, who had a plastic bag over his head.
"Joe... Joe."
Joe ripped the bag off his head and took a deep breath.
"Ah, cringe!" Mitchell shouted, and Harper laughed into her hand whilst Mitchell threw a scrunched up paper ball at Joe's head.
"Now, smoking is only permitted at the front of the coach, so I can suck up all your second-hand stuff while I'm driving." The driver said. All of the students looked at him in dismay.
"All right?" Alfie concluded, slightly concerned, "Sit down."
"Now, there's no lock on the toilet, so put a sock on the door if you're docking at Quimsby
If you know what I mean." The driver added, from his seat.
"Right. Um." Alfie stuttered. "Do you maybe want to just put on a video?"
"Oh, yeah." The driver exclaimed enthusiastically. "I've got a couple here.
I've got Showgirls and, er, Predator."
"Oh, sweet." Alfie gushed, leaning over to have a look. "Which Predator?"
"Alfie!" Miss Gulliver scolded.
"Maybe the radio?" Alfie pivoted.
"You got it. You're the boss."
The coach started to move.
"So kids, what do you call an Indian with thrush?" The driver asked.
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The coach had been driving for fifteen minutes, and Harper was dragging her hands down her face in despair.
"Now, er, if you look to your left you'll see the Cock and Goose. The cubicles are very well connected. And if you look to your right, you'll see a lay-by that is in my opinion a tad over lit." The driver narrated.
Harper looked out the window and shook her head, when she suddenly felt a tap on her shoulder. She pulled out her headphones and looked over at Mitchell, irritated. He was holding a zip-loc bag of miniatures. Harper looked at him in disbelief.
"Why do you have that?"
And at the exact time, Alfie asked the same question.
"Why've you got a bag of miniatures?"
"This shit Irish airline, right, fired my brother cos he broke company policy."
"How?" Joe asked, intrigued.
"He helped a customer."
Harper and Alfie furrowed their eyebrows.
"Anyways," he continued, "when he left, he jacked a load of these and a couple of life jackets."
"Give me that." Alfie said, snatching the bag out of Mitchell's hands. "Look, just cos we're not in school doesn't mean you can get drunk. THESE are confiscated."
Stephen looked at Alfie.
"Why are you wearing those horrible boots?"
"What's wrong with them?" Alfie asked.
"What's not wrong with them?" Harper asked, and Alfie pretended to pull his middle finger out his pocket.
"It's just those and that hair makes you look like a guard in a woman's prison." Stephen continued and Harper laughed.
"These are my outdoors clothes." Alfie defended. "We're going to the countryside! Bear Grylls says you have to be prepared for anything which is why.. I am also rockin' one of these bad boys." He proudly gestured to himself. "Multi-purpose utility harness."
"Is that a spork?!" Joe asked.
"Yep." Alfie said, proudly. "For those tricky little jobs that a fork just can't handle."
"Like gouging your eyes out?" Harper asked imitating a gunshot going off in her mouth.
"Very clever, Harper, but who will be laughing when this baby," He gestured to his harness and Harper scoffed, "saves our lives."
She looked at him.
"Is it supposed to be that tight?"
"Yup. Can't feel a thing." He responded.
Suddenly, Mitchell shouted:
"Chap slap!" And hit Alfie.
"Oh! You dick!"
Harper shook with silent laughter at the sight of her crumpled over teacher. Chantelle looked up at him.
"Sir, I need your help." She said, and Alfie looked up, "I want a DMC about relationships.
This boy, Finlay, he-" But she was interrupted by Rem Dogg.
"Sir,why can't we go paint balling?"
"Because it doesn't benefit an academic subject." Alfie explained, furrowing his eyebrows.
"Art!" Mitchell yelled.
"Art!" Alfie said to Miss Gulliver, a few minutes later.
"We're not going paint balling!" Rosie snapped.
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Finally, after what seemed like forever, the coach came to a halt. Harper waited for Mitchell to stand up before she shuffled over the seats and stood up. She flinched slightly as she stood up, feeling a shooting pain in her back.
"Shit." She muttered to herself, and Mitchell looked up.
"You alright?" He laughed slightly.
"Yes, I'm fine." She said slowly, using the chair to prop herself up, "Don't soil your pants."
"I'll try."
"Mitchell?"
"Yes."
"Piss off."
He walked back slowly, holding his hands up, and he then tripped down the stairs of the coach.
The whole of form K trudged through the farm.
"It stinks of shit." Harper grumbled, scrunching her face up. Stephen laughed, but Chantelle seemed down.
"Babes," Stephen started, "he's not worth it."
"Who's not worth it?" Harper asked, confused.
"Doesn't matter." Chantelle sighed, "I'll tell you later.."
Harper was ready to try and convince Chantelle to spill, but the whole class had stopped in front of a scruffy man.
"Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm." The man stuttered. "Now, unfortunately, we have worms. I spent all morning fishing this out of a weasel."
The man held up a slimy worm in a jar and the whole class grimaced.
"It's an epidemic. Everything's got them." He continued. "So remember, it's a look but don't touch policy. Er, but a private dance can be arranged later." The whole class stared at him blankly. "I'm joking...We had to stop doing that." He mumbled. Stephen retched and Harper snorted.
"So, cubs and, er, girls, have you got any questions about animals?" The man asked.
"Sir, I really need to talk to you." Chantelle said to Alfie.
"Not now, Chantelle." Alfie scolded. "The boring man is talking."
"Any questions at all?" The man pushed.
"Why do cows have so many tits?" Rem Dogg shouted, and Harper threw her hands up in despair.
"Well the cows have udders." The man stuttered.
"How come you can call dogs bitches, but not bitches bitches?" Rem Dogg yelled, again.
"Rem Dogg, behave." Miss Gulliver hissed.
"Would you rather be a boy with a dog's head or a dog with a boy's head?" Joe asked.
"Well, obviously a boy with-"
However, the man was interrupted by Mitchell.
"Oi, worms!"
"Is Is Is he talking to me?" The man stumbled, and Harper nodded slowly.
"My mate Rasheed, yeah, said he found a beak in one of his McNuggets." The man looked blank. "See, I thought the chicken lays the nugget. Does it not lay the nugget then?"
"When the female chicken is impregnated by the male-"
"Old MacDonald," Chantelle started "does the male chicken lie to the female chicken just to get into her pants.. and then break her heart...with a text?"
Harper gave her a look of sympathy, understanding.
"Guys, please." Alfie pleaded. "Can we show a little bit of respect to the farmer man? Ask some serious questions."
There was a deadly moment of silence and everyone just looked around.
"Do all meerkats come from Russia?" Alfie asked in a high-pitched voice.
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The whole class were gathered round a pond, labelled 'aquarium' and it was full of dead fish.
"Nice." Harper muttered, and Mitchell tried to push her in. She turned around and smacked him on the arm, and he stumbled back, laughing. Eventually, everyone was standing around a pen full of animals. Harper, Stephen and Chantelle were standing round a pen with a goat in, all clearly numb with boredom.
"This is - hands down - the most depressing day of my entire life."
Chantelle and Stephen nodded slowly and they all sighed. Mitchell walked up behind them.
"Why do you all look like you want to kill yourself?"
They all turned around and looked at him.
"Because we do." Harper said bluntly. "This is beyond the valley of boredom."
"Where's the valley of boredom?" Mitchell asked, baffled.
Harper raised her eyebrows.
"It's a saying, Mitchell."
"Hmm." He said slowly.
They all turned back around and stared at the goat, that was sitting glumly on the floor. When, Michell stepped forward, it stood up.
"Ha! It likes me." Mitchell said proudly.
"Yeah, well it's really used to the stink of shit." Harper responded, smirking. He frowned, but started laughing when the goat bleated. Suddenly, he started putting his hands by his head, making them look like horns, and started lunging towards the goat. He stood back and spread his arms out, acting like he was squaring up to the goat.
"Oh my god, you are actually such a dipshit."
All three of them walked away shaking their hands and laughing.
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Miss Gulliver was complaining to Alfie about all the animals being kicked up in cages, and was worried that it would upset the kids.
"Oi, sir. Look at its dick." Mitchell suddenly shouted, pointing at an animal. "It's got shit on it!" He snorted.
"I think they're coping." Alfie scoffed.
"It's got shit on its dick!" Mitchell shouted again, looking over at Harper, who was grimacing. However, she combed her hands through her hair, trying to stifle a laugh.
"Now, kids," the farmer started, beckoning everyone over awkwardly, "prepare to be amazed by Swinonus rhinonium or.. the rhino pig!"
Inside a cage, was a pig with a clearly fake horn strapped onto its head.
"Wow. Your wife got a name?" Mitchell laughed and the whole class smirked.
"That is disgusting." Miss Gulliver hissed. "I've a good mind to rip off the bars to that cage and set that animal free. I've made a terrible mistake bringing us all here."
Harper turned to Stephen and Chantelle. "I'm with Gulliver, this is horrible." She groaned.
Stephen nodded.
"I'm with you, babe. This place is so horrible, Alfie's harness is starting to look designer."
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It was nearly the end of the trip, thankfully, and the whole of form K were in a shed near the exit of the farm.
"Who here thought ink was boring?" The farmer asked, and everyone raised their hands, except Mitchell and Harper, who raised two.
"OK." The farmer said slowly.
"Who here takes a newspaper? Who's read a book?"
"So, what's your date doing with you tonight apart from turning you into a dress?" Alfie asked Rosie and Harper scrunched her nose up in confusion.
"Why are you so obsessed with it?" Miss Gulliver snapped.
"I'm not obsessed." Alfie protested.
"Can anyone tell me where ink comes from?" The farmer nervously asked, seeing the commotion in front of him.
"A pen." Harper stated bluntly.
"No." The farmer said slowly.
"Well, it does come from a pen, don't it?" Mitchell said.
"Yes, but originally?" The farmer asked nervously.
"Ryman's."
"Oh, my God." Miss Gulliver mumbled. "He's talking to them like they're seven. This is so inappropriate."
Harper shook her head and wandered off.
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Harper was standing by the rhino pig, leaning back on a dirty fence. Suddenly, she jumped when a voice came from behind her.
"What would you do, pig, if you loved someone that didn't love you?"
Harper saw her teacher in front of her, along with Joe, who looked confused.
"Alfie, are you talking to the rhino pig?" He asked.
"No! I'm just drinking some Malibu. I'm depressed, all right? Get off my back."
"Why are you depressed?" Harper asked, bored.
"Miss Gulliver's going on a date with a guy.
Why can't she see how much I like her?" He slurred.
"Maybe you should let her know." Joe suggested.
"What, by, like, making a grand gesture?" Alfie said, swaying slightly.
"Or just tell her."
"And, is that one of Mitchell's miniatures?" Harper asked.
"Yeah, you're right." Alfie said, ignoring Harper's question. "I need to let her know how much I care by doing something massive, really bold."
"Or just tell her." Joe repeated.
"I've got it!"
"Just tell her!"
"The pig!" Alfie practically shouted, his eyes brightening. "Rosie wants this creature to be happy, just like I want her to be happy."
"Alfie, how much Malibu have you drunk?" Joe asked, concerned.
"It needs to run free." Alfie said gleefully.
"Alfie, don't touch it!"
"It's got worms." Harper snapped, but Alfie ignored them and lunged towards the cage.
"Alfie! Alfie!" Joe and Harper protested, but it wad no use.
"Run, piggy! Go, piggy! Go. Run! Miss Gulliver's going to be pretty impressed. Yeah!"
Joe and Harper gave him a look.
"She's not, is she?"
"Nah." Harper said slowly. Alfie practically dragged the two students over to Miss Gulliver.
"Yo! Um, so, I was thinking maybe we should think about leaving."
"What have you done?" Rosie said, panicked.
"Nothing." Alfie said slowly, emphasising the last syllable.
"I just don't want you to be late for your date.
What are you wearing tonight?"
"Why?" Rosie asked, slowly.
"Oh, nothing." Alfie said quickly.
"It's just I was talking to Inky earlier and he says that in his gift shop he sells real fur coats.
I was thinking maybe you could buy one, team it up with a little otter scarf." Alfie explained, raising his eyebrows.
"Right. Everyone back on the bus!" Miss Gulliver shouted. "Quickly. Off you go. On the bus. Come on."
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Everyone was back on the bus, and in the same seats, much to Harper's dismay. She leant her head back on the seat, exhausted, and sighed. From the front of the coach, she could hear the driver.
"We've got two routes back: Motorway at rush hour..."
"Or?" Alfie pushed.
"Scenic route. Plenty of lay-bys to dip into round Tring."
"Why don't you just use your sat nav to find the quickest route back?" Alfie asked, clearly irritated.
"Never used one, never will."
"Why?"
"Won't be told what to do by a woman." The driver said proudly, and Harper shook her head.
"We're lost." Alfie concluded.
"Bieber, take the wheel." The driver said, gesturing to Alfie. "I'm not sure I can trust this fart." And with that, the driver rushed to the bathroom.
"I can't! I've been drinking." Alfie shouted, but it was no use, he grabbed the wheel. But, suddenly, Miss Gulliver screamed.
"Watch out!"
There was a loud thump and Harper shot up.
"Jesus! Was it.. Was that a person?" Miss Gulliver stuttered.
Everyone stayed silent.
"I'm going to check." Rosie rushed, clambering off the bus. And, at the front of the bus, on the dirt, was a fake rhino horn.
"Is everyone OK?" Alfie sputtered. "...If anybody asks, the pig hit US."
Everyone nodded vigorously. Rosie ran back in, clutching the horn. "How do you think it escaped?...Oh, God. Do you think someone let it out?"
"Um Maybe it let itself out." Alfie said nervously.
"Does anyone know anything about this?" Rosie shouted, turning to look at the students, "I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me."
"They always say that." Alfie hissed.
"Did you know about this?" Rosie asked, looking at Alfie seriously. Alfie turned to look at Harper, and she slowly shook her head no. Desperate, Alfie stared at Joe.
"What?" Joe mouthed, and Alfie gestured to Rosie. "Fine." Joe mumbled. "I freed the pig, miss, because it looked sad." Joe grumbled in a monotone voice.
"Well, that's stupid... but I admire the gesture." Rosie said, smiling at Joe.
"You stole my gesture!" Alfie snapped. Suddenly, the driver came stumbling back through the bus.
"Where's my bra, eh? You've got it, haven't you? You took it off in the pool, didn't you?" Harper and Mitchell looked at each other, Harper slightly concerned, Mitchell amused.
"Oh, God. He's concussed. Sit him down." Rosie commanded. Give him some oxygen."
"Oh, God." Alfie muttered.
"You're going to have to call the AA." Rosie said, looking at Alfie.
"I haven't got any reception." He complained.
"Neither have I... Well, we can't go back to that farm."
There was a moment of silence.
"I know!" Alfie practically yelled, his face lighting up. "I could trek cross country, find the nearest town, get help."
"Oh, OK." Rosie admitted. "But Well, come straight back, yeah?"
"Yeah." Alfie replied, confidently.
"Sure." Rosie said, unconvinced.
"Right. I'm going to need to gather up a team."
The driver lifted his hand up, but Alfie put it back down.
"Not you."
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Part 7 is done! Next chapter out soon!