Immature Infatuation - Bad Education

9

    It was the start of the next week, and Alfie had gathered everyone round the middle of the room, flicked the lights on and lit a bunch of candles. The whole class sat round the table, which had every letter of the alphabet stuck around the edge. Alfie sat down, looking excited.
    "Alfie, what the hell are we doing?" Harper asked, exhausted with his surprises.
    "Well, Harper, today we are going to summon a demon or two." Replied Alfie, grinning. Most of the class stared at him blankly, but Harper just nodded.
    "Cool."
    They were just about to start when Fraser burst through the door.
    "Yo, what's going down my n-word?" He said, and most of the class cringed.
    "Shush, Fraser! You've ruined it." Alfie scolded, gesturing to his.. 'demon table'.
    "What the Harry Hill?" Fraser asked, making Harper laugh into her hand, "Are you..conducting a seance?"
    "Yes." Alfie simply responded. "It's interactive learning."
    "Hold yer Ouija boards," Fraser shouted "because today is the biggest day in the school sporting calendar! ..It's the big footie match against Middleton House!"
    "Really?" Chantelle asked, pulling her top down slightly, "Here?"
    "Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year when 16 of their Mac Book Pros went missing."
    "17 actually." Mitchell mumbled.
    "No.. it was 16." Harper replied, and he looked at her. "What? I lost mine!"
    "I've just heard that the PE teacher's going to be unavailable for the game." Fraser explained.
    "Why?" Harper asked, leaning back in her chair.
    "Slightly garbled message from him saying that he'll either be back by two or in two to five years. Something to do with DNA evidence."
    Harper just widened her eyes and put her head in her hands.
    "And I fit into this how?" Alfie asked, clearly tired.
    "I need someone to manage the team." Fraser simply said. "A chance to stand up to those posho bullies. Tell them you ain't going to be eating that biscuit no more."
    "Not this again." Alfie complained.
    "Why does everyone think I was bullied at Middleton?"
    "Your girly run."
    "The way you throw."
    "Your Facebook wall."
    "I wasn't bullied, all right?" Alfie protested.
    "Come on, Alf." Fraser pleaded. "It's in the bag!"
    "We're unbeatable this season. We're like the Invincible Arse-gunners."
    "You know nothing about football, do you?" Alfie asked, looking at Fraser.
    "No." Fraser replied, grinning.
    "Do you know anything about sport?"
    "I like the Red Arrows! Whoosh!" Fraser responded, still smiling, "So, whaddya say?"
    "..I guess I could." Alfie gave in. "Right, pack this up."
    "But Sir," Mitchell shouted, "you promised we could talk to Hitler."
    "Well, it's not like he's going anywhere." Alfie said, staring at Mitchell and shaking his head.
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    "Yo! What's up team?" Alfie said cheerily, walking into the classroom. "This sesh is all about you getting to know your new gaffer...Yeah. The boss man. The special one. Il Classico..."
    "Why are you calling us team?" Joe asked.
    "Cos you're my guys, right, and I thought this match, perfect opportunity for you to get involved in the big game." Alfie explained, and everyone looked around, confused.
    "Hang on, what happened to the actual football team?" Harper asked.
    "Nothing." Alfie said slowly.
    Everyone raised their eyebrows and he looked down, explaining what happened.
    "I can't believe you were ostracised by the entire first team." Mitchell yelled.
    "Ostracised." Joe stared, shaking his head.
    "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words." Alfie said, mimicking a high-pitched voice.
    "Hang about, ain't there a second team?" Mitchell asked.
    "..Yeah."
    "You lost the second team, didn't you?" Harper asked, and Alfie nodded slowly.
    "Look, sometimes it's good to have a little re-jig of the team." Alfie defended himself. "I mean, look at The Sugababes."
    "You know jack shit about football." Mitchell said, shaking his head.
    "Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom there is a certain Goonersaurus duvet that would beg to differ."
    "Did you just invite me to your bedroom?" Mitchell asked, smirking, and Harper snorted with laughter.
    "I'll play." Chantelle offered.
    "Great!" Alfie said, writing Chantelle's name on the board, "You play?"
    "She's had one-on-ones with some of the game's big names." Stephen explained.
    "And a couple of two-on-ones." Harper added.
"Who?" Alfie asked, curious.
"A lady never breaks a super-injunction." Chantelle said, raising her eyebrows.
"OK." Alfie said bluntly, rubbing Chantelle's name off the board.
"Jing, you in?" Alfie asked. "Bring the team some of that unflappable Far Eastern work ethic. It's not a national sport but there's that fella that plays for United."
Jing muttered in Chinese.
"Yeah, that's his name," Alfie said, and Harper shook her head. "so?.."
"Not in a million years." Jing simply said.
"Come on. One of you must want to play?" Alfie pleaded.
  "I'm pretty good at football." Stephen admitted.
"Yeah, he is." Chantelle added. "He's just like Ashley Cole."
"That's very sweet but... don't be silly." Alfie said, and Stephen looked confused.
"But we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid game is to get back at your old school for bullying ya." Mitchell said, and Harper nodded.
"Why does everyone assume that I would be a victim of bullies?" Alfie said, lifting his hands up in confusion.
"Oi, dick wad!" Someone shouted, and the whole class looked over to see Grayson sauntering into the classroom.
"Hello, Grayson." Alfie stuttered.
"What's my position?" He said slowly.
"You you want to play?" Alfie said slowly.
"I'll play for this team all right, Downton, but only cos I want to hospitalize some toffs. This doesn't mean we're mates, and I still think you're a piece." Grayson said threateningly.
"Great, um, but, I thought you weren't allowed to play.."
"Yeah, well I'm back now, innit. Finished serving my ban."
"Why were you banned? Off the ball incident? What was it? Two footed tackle?"
"Arson." Grayson simply stated, leaning towards.
"Right." Alfie said nervously. "Good. See, that is exactly the kind of passion that I'm looking for. I think I've found myself a skipper.
So, who else wants to join the revolution with me and my buddy Frank?"
"You call me that again and I'll firebomb your shed." Grayson said, and Harper slowly moved her chair even further away from the door.
"Me and my... colleague here, Mr Grayson."
"We're going to get dicked on." Rem Dogg shouted. Alfie looked around at the whole of his class.
"No-one? Please, I'm desperate... What have I got to do to convince you to play?"
Everyone in the class raised their eyebrows and smirked.
'Hi, you're through to Alfie Wickers.
Sorry I can't take your call right now but I'm busy.. cracking one out to Loose Women.
No, not Vorderman or McLean.
I am... *sighs* stiffin' for McGiffin.
Please leave a message after the tone.'
The whole class laughed hysterically and Alfie huffed.
"All right then, deal." Mitchell said.
"OK right, time to hit the pitch." Alfie said, slightly less glum. "I want to see what you've got in your lockers."
"A flare gun and some porn." Mitchell stated, and Harper shook her head.
"Not. yours." Alfie snapped.
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It was before the game, and everyone was sitting in the changing room. Alfie was reading a book about football when he suddenly shot up.
"Look, guys, it doesn't matter who they are, or how much better they are than you." Alfie said, in a lively tone, "When you get out there, it's ten against ten, and anything can happen."
"You mean eleven." Harper said, not looking up.
"Yeah, eleven." Alfie said, before his face fell, "It's eleven."
Harper and Stephen were the substitutes and they were both sitting on the bench.
"This is bullshit, babe." Stephen snapped, and Harper just sighed.
"You can do it! You can do it!" Rosie shouted as the game began.
"You twat!" The headteacher of Middleton shouted at Alfie.
"You pig." Rosie snapped at him.
"We need to do a goal, guys." Fraser sighed.
Middleton were scoring goal after goal after goal and Abbey Grove hadn't even got near the goal.
"Do a header!" Fraser screamed. Eventually, it reached half time and Middleton house were six goals up. Form K (and Grayson) were sitting in the changing room chattering quietly. Joe looked up at Alfie.
"What?"
"What?" Alfie responded, baffled.
"I don't know." Joe admitted. "It's just that it looked like you were going to say something I don't know, something deep. To get us motivated for the second half."
"There's a second half?!" Alfie screeched, shocked.
"Oh my days." Harper muttered, leaning against the wall.
"I knew that." Alfie said, glaring at her, and she just raised her eyebrows. Suddenly, Rosie pulled Alfie out the room to talk to him. Harper groaned.
"What?" Mitchell asked.
"I don't want to sit on a bench for another 45 minutes." She moaned and he sighed.
"Well, what, you'd rather play?" He asked, and she looked over.
"I actually used to play football." She admitted. "I was actually pretty good."
"Hm." He said. "Well, I'd give you my spot, but I don't want to sit on a bench for 3/4 of an hour.."
"Your selflessness is noted." She said slowly, and he smirked slightly.
"I can be selfless." He defended, and she scoffed slightly. "I was selfless enough to let you use my shoulder as a pillow last week."
She spun around with wild eyes and stared at him before, eventually, shaking her head slowly.
"I will hang you from one of these pegs by your teeth."
"It would be an honour." He simply said.
She scowled, folded her arms and looked away whilst he grinned down at the frustrated girl next to her. Suddenly, Alfie burst back through the door, looking inspired.
"OK, people." He started. "Do you want to know what Middleton House are saying about us right now?"
Out of nowhere, the face of the headmaster of Middleton appeared at the window.
"Arseholes!"
There was a moment of silence.
"..They're also saying that we are just going to bend over and take it."
"So they got my group text?" Chantelle piped up, grinning. Alfie, casually ignored her.
"You know, I heard some of them saying about one of you in particular, who will remain nameless, was so ugly, pathetic and physically deformed, that they should get a Pride of Britain award just for not killing themselves."
Everyone gasped slightly.
"Now are we really going to take that? Or are we, for Joe's sake, going to say no?" everyone looked at Joe awkwardly, who was looking at the floor. "Let's show them." Alfie continued. "Quitting is out of the question. When it gets tough, we gotta fight some more... We've gotta fight.
Fight!
Fight!
Fight!
Fight for this love!"
"Yeah!" Everyone cheered.
"Ready your breakfasts, and eat hearty, for tonight we dine in hell. Let's get out there. THIS IS SPARTA!" Alfie yelled, and everyone started yelling and screaming with him, running out the door. Harper and Stephen stayed behind.
"Rem Dogg's injured." Stephen simply said, gesturing to Rem Dogg, who was tilted to the left slightly in his wheelchair.
"Puncture." He explained in defeat.
"Can we play second half, Sir?"
Alfie thought for a moment.
"All right, you two. Who cares if we have too many players. I mean, how can we make this match any worse. You're up!"
Harper and Stephen clapped and jumped up and down before running out of the changing rooms.
Finally, everyone was on the pitch, and Alfie was standing by Stephen and Mitchell.
"This is the ball." He said slowly to Stephen.
"OK? Mitchell will pass you the ball and then you kick it straight to Grayson."
The whistle blew, and Mitchell kicked the ball lightly to Stephen, who immediately bolted with the ball towards the opposite goal. He booted it to Harper across the field who ran across the edge, dodging tackles that people tried to get in. Eventually, she kicked it back to Stephen, who sent it shooting straight into the girl. Everyone form Abbey Grove screamed, and ran up to Stephen and Harper.
"Goal!" Fraser screamed. The game continued, and Stephen and Harper continued to play extremely well.
"Sprinkler. Do the Sprinkler! Come on, you tripstoppers! Come on, Middleton!" The headmaster of Middleton shouted. "Get in! What's the matter with you?"
Chantelle was trying to distract the boys on the other team.
"You hoo!" She shouted.
"What's the matter with you? The bloke in the wheelchair's faster than you lot!" The headmaster shouted.
More goals were beings fired over and over until Abbey Grove were equal with Middleton. The headmaster, who was clearly fuming, suddenly came striding onto the pitch.
"OK, you want to play? You want to party? Right, let's heat this party up, huh. Oh ho yeah, Humpage." Alfie sneered at him. "I like to party, and I've been to far hotter parties than this. In fact, I like to party in a sauna."
The headmaster marched further into the pitch.
"And I've partied with far bigger men than you." Alfie continued. "I can go all night long."
"OK." The headmaster nodded, squaring up to Alfie. "Come on Middleton." He screeched.
The whistle blew, and the headmaster started charging towards Alfie with the ball, shoving kids out of the way who were brave enough to tackle him.
"Come on, Abbey Grove." Rosie yelled.
"Careful, Alfie." Joe warned, looking at the large man running towards them. Harper watched, wide-eyed from the the floor, as the fear grew in Alfie's eyes.
"Do him, Sir." Mitchell laughed.
There were moments before the headmaster was going to make his goal, but he suddenly clutched his chest, made a wheezing sound, and fell to the floor.
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The headmaster was lying on a stretcher in the middle of the field, with everyone gathered around him. Pickwell ran over, with makeup all over her face that made her look like she was in drag.
"Wickers, what have you done?" She gasped. "If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body."
"Wickers." The headmaster started. "Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy, but I only ever wanted the best for you."
"You've finally got what you deserved, you pig!" Rosie snapped, and everyone was slightly taken aback.
"Steady on." Alfie said.
"You should be ashamed of yourself for what you put him through!" Rosie glared at him.
"What I put him through?" The headmaster echoed, baffled, "It was his fault."
"How dare you say that." Rosie gasped in anger. "Of course it's not his fault. He's the victim!"
"Why do you keep calling me the victim?" Alfie asked.
"Because you are, Alfie. Don't you see? Oh God. Enough is enough! You've got to accept it. You are the victim of a rapist!"
"What?" The headmaster said, completely confused, and the rest of the class were too.
"Yes." Rosie snapped. "That's right, you heard me. You are a rapist. You raped poor Alfie." Some of the class snorted with laughter.
"What are you talking about?!" Alfie scoffed.
"No, I didn't." The headmaster protested, outraged.
"Erm, Mr Humpage definitely didn't rape me." Alfie told her awkwardly. "Where did you get that idea?"
"Alfie, you said something went on in the second year."
"Yeah... I quit his sports team."
"And you were the most promising student I ever coached." The headmaster reminisced sadly. "You could have gone pro. When you threw it away it tore me up inside."
"Hang on." Rosie interrupted, baffled, "You said you didn't want to talk about it cos for a man it's embarrassing... but there's nothing embarrassing about quitting the football team."
"Erm, wait, er, what sport are we talking about here?..." Joe asked, and everyone looked at the headmaster in anticipation.
"Weight lifting." Alfie quickly said.
"Irish dancing." The headmaster revealed, and everyone burst out laughing.
"You should have seen his soft shoe hornpipe. We had such plans. First, we'd take Broadway, then the world. I mean, who else had ever thought of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing? The day you turned your back on dance was the day you shattered my dreams!" He preached, and everyone tried extremely hard not to laugh.
"Ooh. Oh gosh. I'm sorry." Alfie apologises, but Pickwell was starting to panic.
"Right, get the ambulance. My future job prospects could be dying here."
"Do it for me, Alfie." The headmaster requested. "One more time. Before I go."
"I couldn't, I can't." Alfie pivoted. "I haven't warmed up. I might pull something!"
"Go on, Alfie." Joe encouraged.
"I can't wait to see this." Mitchell snickered, and Harper agreed, the idea of her teacher doing Irish dancing was beyond hilarious.
"Sir, do it. Sir, do it." Everyone chanted.
"Just one last time." The headmaster pleaded.
Suddenly, Alfie gave in and, before they knew it, Alfie was performing an Irish dance routine in front of his whole class. He was running back and forth and doing some, actually, quite impressive foot work. About thirty seconds later, he finished. Everyone applauded, some genuine, down a mockery.
"So, that's it really." Alfie concluded. "Don't know why I gave it up."
"Gay!" Mitchell shouted, pointing at him, and Harper shoved his arm down.
"Oh yeah... That's why."
"Not bad, but it lacked a little panache." The headmaster critiqued. "Let's go again."
"..And that's the other." Alfie added. Fraser walked over and sighed.
"Match abandoned. It's a draw."
Everyone screamed and cheered, jumping up and down as they realised they didn't lose.
Well, some of them did, the majority were just taking the piss out of Alfie for his Irish dancing.
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End of chapter 9! One whole episode in one episode! I promise I'll try and spread them out more soon!