We were staying at a metro station. My idea was to get on a train and go far-far away for a while. My brother didn't agree to this plan at all, moreover he was incredibly furious.
He was pacing in the tunnel back and forth, shouting, sometimes grabbed me and shook me. He kept repeating:
-Why did you do this?
My answer was always something like:
- Because you're my brother. The only family, you left for me.
His defence was to treat me with scoff and disgust. The words came from his throat, as a growl.
- You mean nothing to me.
His lips trembled and snarled at my figure appearing in the shallow lights.
- Then why would you bother to kill me?
- It's fun to see you suffer. It brings me joy.
- I don't believe you. - My voice was steady and even I didn't understsand why.
- Do what you fucking want!
He started to go in circles again.
- I want answers! Why did you have revenge on my pa...our parents?
- You want answers? Go, ask their corpses.
- You are one, and I am too. I ask you and I don't care if you kill me right here right now. But I have to know the truth.
- Why did you save me? You think now we're even? Now it's settled and I wouldn't hurt you? That there's something good inside me, huh? But in some ways you're right. We're just fucking corpses. You know exactly there's nothing there to save, so why?
- God can save us all.
- Cute. You still believe that bullshit. Then, explain, where was your God when I needed him? Where was your fucking God?
- When?
- When?! You dare to ask? While I was sick? Cancer they said. When I couldn't walk without help? When I felt all alone because all of my friends were in school with a bright future ahead them? Where was him when I was all in pain, suffering?
With every word his anger became more and more intense, but suddenly a little confession hid there which broke my heart.
- I just really wanted to die but they took away that from me! They stole my only chance to peace! Or where was him when I got uncrontrolable after they turned me? They made me a monster!
The last word echoed around us, like a curse on us.
- And then threw me away like a broken toy! Then you came...
He stepped so close to me that I could feel his breath. His forefinger pointed to my chest, like he wanted to make a hole in it. Wanted to touch my flesh, see if there's any
- the perfect child. The golden kid. While I was hiding, killing because that was the one thing I could do. I was left. I was sick. More then ever and you know what was the cure for that? - He looked into my eyes, and there were so many feelings lurking, so many question written by pain. - Suicide.
He stepped back, his eyes was shifting like he tries to hold these memories back but then he went on with it:
- I was helpless. But you...you got everything! You stole my life! They...
he punched in the wall next to my ears
- fuck! I couldn't live or whatever I did with even thinking about it. I hated them, and still do. But that feeling brought me back. It became my motivation to come back from the shadows, to care about my existence. Bit by bit. Because nobody else did. Not even him. So where was he back then? Where was he??
- Why didn't you kill me?
- I...I don't know. - He roughed up his hair. - The only thing I'm sure of what you've done now...you ruined everything. Everything I was fighting for! Why did you do this to me?
- You're my brother.
- Stop it! - His glance shone murderously.
- You're my brother.
- I said fucking stop! - He roared.
- But would you really stop your sister?
- Shut the fuck up! - He punched the wall again, his chest bumbed into mine.
- No, brother.
- Enough!
- No. You're my brother. And I forgive you. Because that's what family is for.
- No...no. Just stop!
His gaze shuddered, slowly became watery.
- It's okay, brother.
- Please...It's enough!
His shoulders fell, his back was stooped with the heavy burden I out on him.
He cried for a long time. Like he would actually break. Like a toy that seemed to be fixed. He said there was nothing to save but now, it felt like there was a black, fusing sadness that escaped through his wounds. Maybe he finally allowed himself to be broken. He finally saw his scars.
After a while he looked me in the eyes. They seemed strangely calm. He stroke my face with his fingers, as he wanted to touch reality. When he spoke up his voice was crispy, but his eyes said more than his words.
- I'm sorry for being such a bad brorher. I took away your life. This time I'll save you.
He said.
He stood up.
He was looking straight at me. He started pacing backwards.
He didn't stop.
He pulled out a dagger. I didn't know he had one. The lamps' light glinted on it in the gloomy tunnel. He pointed it to his heart.
He waited. Calmly, I thought at that moment he found peace.
I watched.
Our eyes were connected.
The wind whisteled.
He pulled the dagger to his chest.
It made a hole in it.
Someone's blood was shed by ripping up his veins.
He stabbed himself.
I didn't hear his voice, or scream when he...
He fell.
The train dashed in.
Our eyes were connected
when he killed himself.
And I asked God
where he was.
Was he watching?
YOU ARE READING
My first times
Vampire- So? - I whispered in his ears and I could smell his scent. - What? - Do you feel yourself in danger? - I don't see why should I - he said leaning even closer so that I could feel his breathe, moreover I could touch his pulsing vein, the life r...
