My Personal Songbook (PT 1)

On That Rock, Overlooking A Lake

TW: mentions of death and suicide, the El Paso shooting

Yeah, sometimes I freak out about everything

It started with my savior complex and ended with racism

And how it doesn't make sense,

For some extra pigment getting you an early ticket to heaven.

I sat on the rock and yelled and screamed

Cold was all around me, and I couldn't breathe,

Well maybe I could, but snot was running down my nose

And for once in my life I didn't feel bad that I cried,

Because when it all comes down to it, nothing matters

Not gender, or race, or who you're attracted to,

Because we all came from the same place and we're destroying ourselves anyways

Quadrillions of atoms all interacting,

I wonder if people will get it someday

Why I trespassed so I could cry on a rock overlooking a lake,

Yelling and screaming about absolutely everything.

I want to take myself away from the people that I love,

Because I am not perfect, and I cannot stop

Being destructive in every little way,

Every time I turn the lights on, I feel bad

Because the earth is wasting away and if I was dead then the earth would have a little less trouble on its hands.

Thanos was right when he killed half the human race,

Though he should have killed them all, so we can all be nothingness in one place.

Stuck in limbo, atoms decaying,

The best present for everyone, think of others before you.

When the In The Heights trailer came out, I was kind of scared,

Because I remember the El Paso shooting and how my friend was looking forward to seeing that movie

Because he's Dominican, and his dad is too.

But what if someone came in the movie theatre and shot everyone inside?

Because they hate Latinx people, what if my friend got shot, what he died?

Respira I say, because hopefully it'll be okay

I'm white, and I don't know how to use my privilege, I hope I'm doing it right,

I would gladly trade my place in the social ladder anytime.

I don't want my friends to die, please don't die,

I'll sacrifice myself, it's okay.

You'll stop missing me someday.

My brain thinks I'm responsible for everyone,

I am the wild card, put me where I'm needed and I'll fill that role

Whether it'd be someone much older than me, crying like crazy

I am there to dry their tears, although my own eyes are hazy,

Because I don't feel like my world is real, and I can't escape that feeling

I'm trapped in a VR set, someone get me out...

When I'm not stuck in my own mind, fighting for others rights

I am freaking out,

Because my vision is failing

The sounds are somewhere outside my ears

Touch is separated, I'm not actually making contact

Smells are strange and taste is weird

Each of my senses don't feel like they're working

But my mind keeps me here, close my eyes and go away,

Let the world drop away...

The thought comes to me sometimes that I am a disappointment.

I have achieved things, but I don't wanna do them again

Everyone goes around, thinking how it's so amazing,

That I wrote a book and how I was in the Talented and Gifted

But now I am not, as my head is filled with fog,

Automatic responses wash out of my mouth

My eyes make tears, and I'm not aware that I'm crying,

Because I'm too busy imagining situations where I'm fighting

High schoolers that shout at me that I am a tranny

Pushing me to the ground, feeling blood come out my mouth...

Why I should I be punished for something I don't even feel?

It never happened anyways, but I'm ready for if it does

I don't want my friends to leave me, they have to stay here,

There in their little corner, where I can make sure that they're breathing

That thier mental state is good, and if it's not, to therapy they go

I have to make sure that they want to be alive

My mother killed herself and I feel responsible for that,

Because the only things she cared about were alive and she still died

My presence, even if in another town, wasn't enough to get her to take care of herself

So to make up for her death, I run a secret therapeutic operation

Because I feel as though I am the only one who can make sure

Because my mental state is so much better than other's all the time.

I have trauma but no PTSD

No clinical disorders, but a savior complex that won't stop

Breathing down my neck, trying to make sure everyone's okay,

When it's not supposed to be my responsibility in the first place

And that brings me back to that I was crying on a rock,

Music was playing, but I couldn't hear the words,

I decided to tap my screen and there it lay:

A text sent from him, 7 minutes ago, today

"God I wish I was anywhere but my cousins 9th or 10th birthday party

Wow that sounds like a good title for an indie song with no words"

And I laughed through my tears, coughing and sputtering

As I got off the rock and wiped my face,

Sending him back a text, thinking he'd respond with "you seem so disconnected"

But he didn't notice, and that's okay.