Evanescing The Facade

10. Kohl and Dark Circles

"Sadness is the kind of paralysis that creeps in on you nescient,
And holds you shakckled to its puzzles.
It lets you believe that it only comes in blue and grey,
when it comes in myriad shades of misty echoes of pain, waiting to strike at you."

You ask the pain to go, but would it? No. So you seek joy, you try to find it in hidden corners of closets, in chronicles of your past, you are pulled into the empty void of endless searching but joy is that pretentious relative who refuses to let you under their roof even when you are deprived of home. You close your eyes. If you don't kill the grief, will it kill you? It doesn't matter because you feel you're already dying, the very oxygen you breathe works as poison through your veins, it cracks your soul. So you wear a smile to hide the efforts it takes for you to withhold things that you desperately want to exhale.  

In Japan there is the art of Kintsugi, where broken ceramics are put back together. Their cracks are filled with gold cement, to remind that broken can be beautiful again. Similarly, we use good memories as tap and glue to stick back our broken pieces. But what if every golden  memory is laced with a heartbreak? What if almost every person you have ever loved has betrayed you once? That's Mishti's life in a few words. Every childhood photograph is a remainder of what she has lost, her memories at the Maheshwari house intricately embroidered with constant reminders of being an outsider, the eccentric wedding only after a bitter history of heartbreaks she never deserved, a house of in-laws more like a mayhem of rejection and grief and the after marriage life, more of a constant war of longing for acceptance. The memories…. what's keeping you alive is what eventually will cause your death. The memories…. soothing and sinister at the same time. There is no silver lining in silver of melted metals of gloom.

"And melancholically the only time when I am missed is the time when 'i' am not a family or when I am not a 'family'. You call me home and you miss me when I am gone. But when I am here I am already gone, too far, for you to feel home."

"You know Abir, both Mishti and Kuhu have had difficult childhoods. But there's a stark contrast in their situations. One of them is highly deprived while the other one is simply dissatisfied. Kuhu was very small when she lost her biological mother and was brought to the Singhaniyas. Mishti was the princess of the house back then. The centre of all the undivided affection. She was the most loved one", Kartik continued to recite unaware about the ruckus of emotions creating a turbulence in Abir's mind. How did she actually ended up being called a 'muhboli' from being the most adored child. "Initially Mishti did feel insecure with Kuhu's presence in the house but that just lasted for a couple of days. A little guidance from the elders and little Mishti took the responsibility of making kuhu feel belonged. She herself settled all her toys and offered to share her room. She took care of her exactly how an elder sister would. They were always excited to meet each other, play pranks, they were best friends", he had a small smile playing on his lips throughout. "I don't know what went wrong when Mishti was brought here. I don't know why anything even went wrong. This is Akshara Maa's family, and there's nobody who loved Mishti more than her Taiji. She should have been accepted and cherished just the way Naira is. But what went wrong?", as he continued to talk about Mishti's childhood, Abir sombrely realized how there was a significant part of Mishti's life she never talked about, or he never cared enough to ask about. 

"Kuhu was whole heartedly accepted Abir, Mishti wasn't. And instead of making things easier for an already daunted and crestfallen child, Jasmeet chachi and kuhu made things difficult for her. Kuhu's insecurities were misplaced since the very beginning and Jasmeet chachi's unceasing fueling has only worsened it. Mishti was never the centre of attention in this house as kuhu accuses her to be. She might have had Nanu and Nani's priority for a while because it's not just them who stepped into the shoes of being her parents but even Mishti filled a void in their lives, the void that was left after they lost their beloved daughter. They mostly tried to balance the equations for peace but ultimately Mishti continued to pay the price for no fault at all." Abir looked down, no matter what his reasons and situations, he too had made her suffer for no fault at all when he broke up, he always knew he had been wrong to choose but Mishti was a phoenix, she rose again.