The Truth About Life

-Benson: Chapter Thirty-

Holy moly! High school graduation is next week. Wow!

So much has happened since moving here to Big Lake, last summer. I just wrapped up all of my online architecture courses, passed them all with flying colors, thank goodness.

Designing and building are things I love so much it doesn’t seem like work or homework at all. It just flows from my soul to my fingers to paper.

Building is just a part of me, has been for as long as I can remember.

My dad took me to job sites when I was still in diapers, teaching me how to hammer, use a screwdriver.

My mom claims I was around 4 when I started drawing pictures of buildings and houses right on my bedroom wall. She told me at first she’d scold me, then would scrub the pencil off the walls, and not more than 2 hours later I’d be up in my room drawing on them again.

Instead of fighting against me, she designated one whole wall for me to draw and doodle on. And doodle I did.

Every few months we would tape off the baseboards and give that wall a nice fresh coat of bright, white paint. A fresh wall for more sketching.

My mom is pretty amazing that way. Always riding out the wave of kid-craziness with ease.

I glance over at my 'Sketch Wall.' Right now, it has my Haiti Project designs sketched out all over it. This is my passion for sure. The project closest to my heart. 

I know this is the path I’m supposed to take right now, but I have a niggle of fear, too.

Audrey has my heart, more so than this Haiti Project does lately. I just love her so much; I never knew I could love someone so deep.

I’m worried to leave her when her brother is still missing, when her relationship with her dad is still on the rocks. I just worry, she is so amazingly strong, I just wish she saw herself the way I see her.

I am beyond proud and happy (and I had no doubt) that she would get into CCA. I know this will propel her forward with what she wants to do in life. Write, illustrate and just basically kill it at life.

For her college admissions she had to submit an original painting or sketch. Audrey decided to do a watercolor, of what though, she wasn’t sure.

I remember leaving her house late one night a few months back, she was having such a struggle trying to decide what to paint.

She was thinking of just submitting her “Joy” painting she did of my sister, Taige. It is an incredible painting, but I knew she had something bigger inside, something exactly right for her admissions.

I left her and a blank canvas that night and came back the next afternoon to something pretty special.

On a 16x20 canvas Milton’s wife, Cassandra, has her head thrown back in laughter, her long black hair streaming over her shoulders. Milton has his arm lovingly wrapped around her shoulders. His tanned forehead is pressed against the smooth, chubby cheek of their daughter, Sophie.

Sophie’s small, dimpled hands are pressed against Milton’s cheeks, all the love in the world shining from her baby blue eyes.

Their faces are full of happiness, so much joy, it’s flowing right off the canvas. The trees painted around them seem to sway in an invisible breeze. The sun beaming down on this sweet family gives them an almost ethereal appearance.

Audrey's given life to these people. So life like, so alive, they'll dance right of the canvas.

This painting is so vivid, I reach a finger out to touch it, pull back just before I do, so as not to smudge.

Audrey looked at me, a little self-conscious. She has no idea how good she really is.

“What do you think? I found a bunch of old pictures while cleaning out Milton’s closets, and these were a few of my favorites.” She points to a small pile of photos sitting next to her easel.

“My gosh, Audrey, there are no words. Honestly, your talent.....I'm speechless.”

She sighs in relief, “Yes, good! I was up literally all night painting, I just started on Milton first and the rest just seemed to come to me like a gift, like magic.”

She grabs my hands and pulls me into a happy dance across the kitchen floor.

It’s then I notice all the maps that once covered the table, all the marked up “searching for Chase papers” are all rolled up, sitting in the corner next to the recycle bin.

Audrey stops, turns to me, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “We have to move forward, I’ll never stop thinking of my brother, never stop wanting him here, but we can’t stop our life.” She takes a shaky breath, “I can’t put my life, my dreams, on hold, I mean, what if this hold lasts forever. We would miss out on so much.”

Her tears fall, I reach up, gently wipe them away. “But the letting go is hard, you know? I feel like I’m being selfish, like I'm giving up on my family.”

She walks to the fridge, grabs a couple of Dr. Peppers out, offers one to me. We sit across from each other at the now bare kitchen table.

Audrey takes a sip, whispers, “I mean, I haven’t even told my mom about CCA yet, and why not? I’m afraid she’ll crack up with both of her kids leaving her.” She rests her forehead down on the table in defeat.

“How is your mom dealing with this, the taking down of the maps and everything?”

Audrey shrugs, “I woke up the other day and they were all put away. My mom had breakfast on the table, fresh flowers. It was kind of freaky, actually."

I watch condensation drip down my soda can. “I think it’s incredibly brave of you two to take this step, and I don’t think you’re being selfish at all. I think Chase is a lucky guy to have such a great sister, who deep down, knows she’ll never give up on him.”

I grab a hold of her hands, her nails painted a bubble gum pink. "Audrey," I sigh, "You’re going to do amazing things in this life, I’m going miss the hell out you when I’m gone.” My heart gives a squeeze at the thought of not seeing her every day. “You truly are the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Her lips tremble, then a wobbly smile appears, she grabs up her Dr. Pepper, says, “You’re my best, Benson, I didn’t know anyone so incredible existed. I feel so lucky that you’re mine.”

Audrey wraps her arms around my shoulders, presses her nose into the hollow of my throat. I savor her closeness; memorize how she feels in my arms.

She looks up, says, “Let’s go grab some supplies for a cookout tonight, we’ll roast hot dogs, do s’mores, the works. I’ll send out a text to everyone, let’s soak up all the fun and goodness we can.”

I grab Audrey’s hand as we walk out the door, pull her in for a kiss. She smells sweet, like her sugary soda, with a hint of mineral spirits, it’s a pretty perfect combination.