Azarei's Quest

Chapter Eleven

Things changed between Azarei and Katar, but they stayed the same too. Katar still threw insults at Azarei like pennies at a fountain but they also spent every night holding each other. Azarei didn't ask Katar what this meant for them, where this was going. He feared talking about it would jinx it and make it disappear, make Katar retreat. That was the last thing Azarei wanted. He was enjoying their nights far too much.

They reached the base of the mountain at twilight. Their arrival both excited and disappointed Azarei. He'd be able to go home soon but that also meant this journey would end. Would he lose Katar? He hated the thought and pushed it from his mind immediately, not wanting to even entertain it. Maybe Katar could come home with him, Azarei's mom would love Katar.

Katar was quieter than usual, silently helping Azarei set up the tent without making any offhanded comments which was unlike him. He was quiet while they sat by the fire too, only speaking when spoken to. Azarei wanted to ask if something was wrong but didn't feel comfortable enough to. Was he allowed to do that? Was he allowed to ask Katar about his feelings? He didn't want to risk angering him.

That night when they laid down for bed Katar clutched the fabric covering Azarei's chest as if he were worried Azarei would flee in the middle of the night. Azarei felt Katar fidget late into the night, aware he hadn't yet fallen asleep.

"Are you okay?" Azarei asked quietly, deciding to risk it.

Katar pressed his forehead harder into Azarei's chest. "I'm fine," he mumbled.

He didn't seem fine. Azarei wondered if Katar was thinking about the same thing he was, that their time together might end soon. Azarei supposed he should tell Katar how he felt if they were going to part ways but what would he even say. 'I don't think I'm gay but I like you'? 'I want you more than I've ever wanted someone in my entire life'? The first one seemed like a bad choice of words all around and the second was way too much of a surrender. He didn't think he was ready for that.

"Do you still love that guy?" Azarei blurts.

"No," Katar answers quietly.

Azarei felt better at that. "I'm not..." He trailed off. He'd decided against the 'I'm not gay' line, what was he doing? "I think... You know, that you're..." He was really blowing this, he wondered if he should throw in the towel all together and just try to get some sleep.

Katar removed his face from his chest and peered up at him with gorgeous deep blue eyes. "Spit it out, Azarei."

"I've made a lot of love," Azarei said, then winced. "But I've never been in love before. I'm not really sure what it's supposed to feel like." He pauses, lowering his voice. "All I know is I have never felt more alive than when I'm with you. And... It's alright if it's not like that for you because you've made me really happy and I'd rather be friends with you than not be with you at all."

Katar doesn't say anything, just gently pulls Azarei's face down so that their lips can meet. Azarei has had a lot of kisses but none of them felt like this, he kissed him back with a lot of enthusiasm. It wasn't gross or weird like Azarei had feared on account of Katar being a man. It was the only kiss he'd ever had that mattered.

When Katar pulled back he pressed his forehead against Azarei's and they breathed insync. "I feel the same way," he admitted quietly.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously."

This time it was Azarei who brought their lips together. He knew it was late and they should probably get some sleep but he just wanted to drag out this moment with Katar, to make it last forever. When Katar knotted his fingers in Azarei's hair he gave up on the idea of sleep altogether.