Azarei's Quest

Chapter Twelve

They delayed their stay at the bottom of the mountain another day. In part because they didn't get any sleep the night before and in other part because neither could resist spending the whole day holding the other, stealing kisses every now and then. It was somewhat of an unspoken celebration, they felt the same way. Azarei hasn't felt this happy in, well, years.

When they finally do climb the thousands of stairs to get to the temple they do it holding hands. It's Katar that boldly takes Azarei's hand in his without a word of acknowledgement and Azarei is glad he did because there's no way he would've had the guts.

Even though the stairs seem endless they make good time and reach the temple in the late afternoon. Both of them pause outside of it, taking in the snow covered building. Azarei's grip on Katar's hand tightened. He wasn't as worried he would leave after this now that they'd confessed their feelings for each other. He was more nervous about his prayer. What if he didn't get the words right? Would the goddess actually speak to him?

When they knocked on the temple doors a monk ushered them inside. It was significantly warmer inside the temple and Azarei thought about how much Katar must be loving that. Azarei tried to remember the last time either of them had been inside an actual building. Maybe when they bought their winter supplies?

"Who are you here to pray to?" The monk asked, looking between them.

"Thalmis," Azarei answered nervously.

The monk smiled kindly, as if he sensed Azarei's anxiety. "I will take you to her shrine."

The monk led them down a few hallways and into a long room with statues lining the walls, rows of candles placed in front of them. There were a few monks scattered around the room, kneeling in front of different statues. The monk stopped in front of a statue of a woman with orange and yellow painted robes.

"This is Thalmis," he told them. "I will leave you alone to pray. Feel free to stay as long as you like. We eat dinner at 6 and have plenty of beds for guests."

"Thank you," Katar said, speaking for the first time since they'd arrived.

The monk nodded at him then left, walking out the way he came. Azarei stared at Thalmis's statue, his insides twisting nervously.

"What is Thalmis the goddess of?" Katar asked quietly.

"She's the goddess of the home," he answered softly, his voice rough with emotion. Azarei didn't explain the connection to his mom but understanding bloomed on Katar's face all the same.

"Do you want me to leave you alone to pray?"

Azarei nodded and Katar gently set his hand on Azarei's shoulder, as if to wish him luck, and then left the room to wait outside. Azarei slowly knelt to the ground and clasped his hands, resting them in his lap and letting his eyes fall shut. He recited the generic Goddess's prayer in his head, the one that applied to all of them, and then started on his specific request. I want to go home. I'd like to go home, please. He repeated this over and over but didn't feel anything profound or different than any other prayer he'd made. Finally he stopped and let his mind go empty.

He didn't know how long he sat there. It felt like hours and only a second at the same time. Eventually he heard an enchanting woman's voice in his head. I've heard your prayers, she told him. I cannot raise the dead from ash but I can give you a new home, a new kind of love. An image of Katar flashed in his head and he wondered if it was him or the goddess who put it there. With him, you are home.

Azarei felt an overwhelming wave of emotion but he couldn't put his finger on whether it was a good or bad one. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes in an attempt to stop the tears but they came anyway. He opened his watery eyes and stared at Thalmis's statue, not knowing how to properly thank her for sending Katar to him. He felt incredibly silly for not realizing he'd been home all along.

He also felt an overwhelming sadness, coming to the realization he would really never see his mother again, never hear her laugh or watch her tend to her flowers. Azarei had felt the absence of his mother so deeply for so long but he had hope that Thalmis would bring her back to him. Now that that hope is gone, he lets himself fall apart to completely grieve her loss. He let himself feel the overwhelming despair and anger, he didn't try to push it away or drown it out this time.

His cries must've been louder than he thought because after a few minutes he feels arms wrap around him and smells Katar's, now familiar, scent. Katar didn't ask him what was wrong or try to soothe him. He just held him while Azarei cried into his chest.

When Azarei was finally out of tears he felt extreme physical exhaustion. His eyes were swollen and they burned every time he blinked. His entire body sagged against Katar's, putting his full weight on him.

"She wouldn't take you home?" Katar asked quietly, after Azarei had been calm for a few minutes.

"I am home," Azarei croaked. He cleared his throat. "It's just... Not the home I thought I'd end up at."

"You're... Gonna live here?" Katar asked, confusion evident in his voice.

Azarei couldn't help himself, he smiled, turning his body so he could meet Katar's eyes with his own. "Home isn't a place, it's being with the people you love," he explains. "I thought... I thought she could bring my mom back." He pauses, his throat getting tight. He swallows to clear it. "But she can't. So she brought me you instead."

Katar's face softens and he places his hand gently on Azarei's cheek, holding him in a way Azarei spent the previous day and a half becoming very familiar with. "You're my home too," he whispers, leaning forward to place a chaste kiss on Azarei's lips.

That night Katar and Azarei ate dinner with the monks. Their first home cooked meal in, well, neither could remember how long it had been. That night while they lay in the bed the monks had provided them Azarei brushed the long hair back from Katar's face. He couldn't decide if he liked Katar's hair longer or shorter. He thought Katar looked breathtaking either way.

"Where do you want to go next?" Azarei asked him softly. "I think it's fair if you get to pick the next destination." He gently kisses Katar and brushes the pad of his thumb across his cheek. "We can go south now, I know you hate the cold."

Hesitation passed over Katar's features. "I think... I want to go home." He said slowly. "To see my parents," he clarified. "After my sister passed I felt so guilty... I just left in the middle of the night. I didn't even say goodbye."

"Then that's where we'll go," Azarei said decisively. He tightened his arms around Katar, holding him closer. "I'd follow you anywhere."

"I've never had a pet before," Katar mused with a sly smile.

Azarei laughed and pinched his side then kissed him just because he could. He was getting bolder with these things, the kissing and holding. When they pulled apart Katar tucked his face into Azarei's chest and soon Azarei felt his breath grow deep. It wasn't long before Azarei fell asleep too.

That night, for the first time since he'd lost her, Azarei dreamed of his mother. She was in a field surrounded by beautiful wild flowers, the kind she loved most, and she was smiling. Azarei could tell that she was okay, that she was happy. She reached up and brushed the hair away from his face, the way she used to when he was a little boy, and he knew she wanted him to be happy too, even though she hadn't said a word.

He woke the next morning before Katar enveloped in the feeling of peace and his mother's love. He would miss her for the rest of his life but she was happy and with Katar he would be happy. Azarei supposed that was all he could really ask for.

The End