After She Left

until you

"The fight I fought inside my head

The fight I fought behind my meds

I'm lonely, lost in pain

It's alright, it's okay, it's alright, it's okay

You're not a monster, just a human"

Mother Mother's "It's Alright"

Sokovia

After Madripoor, where Bucky realized just how easily it was for him to resort back to his Winter Soldier role, the thought continued to haunt him. The Winter Soldier was as much a part of who he had been built to be as his metal arm. Shaped to fit just him. Shame spread through him, particularly when he realized that not only did he slip right back into being the killer HYDRA made him to be, but that it went against everything Ophelia told him.

That he was not the Winter Soldier. That he was not what HYDRA made him.

And if he liked it, did that mean that he was? Something created by HYDRA, something so damaged that only when he still had Ophelia in his arms did he resemble something human? And without her, without the real her, what was he?

Zemo was right when he said that there was still something inside of him.

The trigger words were gone, yes. The part that HYDRA used to control him was gone. But that meant nothing for why he had been the perfect weapon. Because there was something inside of him that was built for what HYDRA put inside him.

When they gave Steve the serum, he had only altruism inside of him, and that showed throughout the years he fought. The first time Steve didn't do something for someone else was when he left. When he left Bucky and Sam. Bucky couldn't deny that Steve had brought Ophelia back, and Bucky would go to his grave knowing he could never repay that kindness, despite how short-lived it really was.

When they imbued him with a strength through a super soldier serum, whatever dark part of him flourished. A part that thrived in wartime continued to grow, and it festered over years and years of abuse. And even when he was rid of HYDRA's brainwashing, thanks to Ayo, the parts that still remained now... how much of it was what Bucky really was inside?

Without Ophelia helping him to be good.

Because when they imbued Ophelia with the serum, albeit a shabby version, it brought out her kindness. Her true, authentic beauty she radiated. Sometimes Bucky wondered if she was as gorgeous as she was because of how good she was deep to her core. That it bloomed throughout her, and everything she touched would glow, or come to life, if only for a short time. Like the cherry blossom trees that came to life every spring, Ophelia brought smiles to every face, and a feeling of peace to all who crossed paths with her.

Her ghost was there, waiting for him, watching him approach Helmut Zemo.

Zemo had escaped, but it wasn't hard to piece together where to find him. Of all the bad HYDRA put inside of him, they had made it very easy for him to track and predict the movements of those he was meant to be hunting. That, and Bucky and Zemo were similar in more ways than either of them would ever be willing to admit.

"I thought you'd be here sooner," Zemo said, always ready with a condescending quip. "Don't worry, I've decided I'm not going to kill you."

Bucky tore his eyes away from Ophelia, addressing Zemo instead. "Imagine my relief."

"I know you want to die, perhaps it is the reason I choose not to," Zemo said. "I've been where you are."

Bucky knew it was true. They had both lost people they loved at the hands of, well, Tony Stark. But it wasn't just Tony Stark, it had been Bucky's rage that made him lose sight of what mattered – getting Ophelia somewhere safe. It had been Zemo who lured them, Stark who pushed things, Bucky who let rage consume him.

Bucky raised the gun he held, and the ghost of Ophelia cocked her head to the side. The way her long brown hair swayed at the movement made his heart crack. She walked towards him, slowly, fluidly, like a flower dancing in the wind. When she arrived at his side, she placed her translucent hand on his arm, looking down the length of it and beyond the gun.

"Do it," she whispered.

He knew that the real Ophelia wouldn't ever ask that of him. It was his own machinations telling him to do it. His own turmoil inside telling him where he failed over and over again. He pulled the trigger knowing full well the gun wasn't loaded. The look on Zemo's face told Bucky that, like him, he had wanted to die. But unlike Zemo, Bucky no longer felt that way.

He released the bullets from his hand, and Ophelia's ghost looked down at them.

The Dora Milaje appeared, as planned, to arrest Zemo.

"I took the liberty of crossing my name off in your book. I hold no grudges for what you had to do. There is another name in there, I've noticed. I think you can cross hers off," he said. "Goodbye, James."

Bucky watched him being escorted away, and when he was alone, he turned to her ghost.

"I'm so proud of how far you've come," she said. 

I did not realize I was supposed to post yesterday. Where did the days go?! 

There are only a few chapters left, so thanks for sticking with it!