Closing Arguments

|14|

A week post our coffee not-so-date and my attempts at avoiding Iggy had become juvenile at best. At worst? Infantile. I couldn't fault his confusion, I'd left that cafe in a flurry of notes thrown and incoherent timetable-clash reasoning.

His texts had begun worried, spiralled into confusion and now sat somewhere above annoyed. Interestingly enough though, he had yet to reach the stage of ceasing effort. And I wondered how far off on the horizon that was.

"Did I think he was a Jonas Brother circa 2006? No. But hearing all of that made me feel ugh, I don't even know." Stretching my arms up to the sky in fidgety overwhelm as I cautiously looked around for unwanted ears.

Poised at the library in one of the medium volume corners, I sat there exasperated with Summer. Though I usually studied solo, she'd demanded my presence here after a clumsier than usual Tuesday evening at work.

I'd been so frazzled during this week's rush I'd sprayed a patron with ginger ale when they'd requested a Pimms. So though I was close, they hadn't requested to be drowned in fizz. And I was quite certain - almost positive. - they'd have preferred it in a glass.

Needless to say our shared tips took a hit. Despite little miss seasonal sunshine sat across from me serving up besotted boys by the bar side mile.

"Excellent reference, my friend of the Year 3000. Please never change." Summer applauded before code switching to therapist. "It's totally normal to feel jealous at that. And TBH a little protective since they were talking about your man as if he were a sex object. No matter, that he is in fact sex personified." Summer looked up wistfully as if envisioning it, or him rather.

"Not my man to start." I tsked bringing her back to reality.

"Agree to prove you wrong before the end of this study session." Summer widened her glare with a smirk to match, as if holding a trump card in her midst.

"I felt a little jealous sure, but I also felt terrified and exposed." I confessed, shifting my volume to the regular library whisper as I uttered it out loud for the first time.

I'd been stewing on my feelings for the week. Festering over what exactly had surprised me, enraged me, or more simply, set me off in that bathroom.

It was nothing new to my ears and I was certainly no virgin, but being confronted with reviews like that gave me what I thought in the moment was a gravitational pull of ick. I had since resigned myself to the fact that it was the opposite, and somehow I was less equipped to deal with icklessness.

"OK now this is where my psych units become useful. Terrified of what exactly? Exposed how? Because people know him, talk about him?" Leaning in with each question, Summer's body now careened almost horizontal to the floor. Elbows pressed dutifully into her knees and holding her head steady and curious for my submission.

"Dr Nguyen please." I rolled my eyes at the inquisition.

"I'm serious, girl! Envy is one thing but terrified is worth unpacking." She looked me up and down in knowing once more.

"I felt annoyed she was talking about Iggy like that...when that's not how I know him." Running my fingers through my hair with menace as I spoke, each word peppering my tongue with an unwanted seasoning.

"But that's how you want to know him right?!" She grabbed my hands in eagerness, waggling her eyebrows.

"I think that's the terrifying part, wanting something more than what he can offer. Or more than he's willing to give moreso." Smiling at first at her giddy limb-grabbing, as the words tumbled out I lost the warmth and felt resigned once more.