Closing Arguments

|22|

I hadn't expected all of us to cry. But sitting on that couch in what we called our tiny home, we spilled abound. Because my best friends leaked as I did telling them what had happened.  And it made me question why I'd never told them sooner. Fear of ruining my position as no.1 friend who's happens to be a girl, compromising my cool girl status or perhaps just a lingering hush I'd felt uttered my way by Asher long ago. Women were to be seen not heard, well read so they could talk widely at dinner parties and then back into the cupboard they went. Top shelf of course, but no less confining.

Summer had stayed by my side initially, with a doting Jasper wrapping her in his arms part way through. A protective gesture that lightened my heart distinctly. Kenji and Miles uttered variances of shock and bundled me up as I cried the remaining liquid free. It felt freeing, a comfort I'd only glimpsed at since that evening in the closet. But it didn't feel complete. My friends could see it too, the longing I had to be comforted by a different set of limbs. That the weight of someone's boot across my chest had lightened but I wasn't burden free. Their eyes agreed but they could see I needed a little more time to process. So they wouldn't be dragging me into a certain someone's arms just yet, but I could see their temptation.

Things made more sense to them surely. A haze cleared by my bombshell of sorts. And now I'd verbalized it, the explanation became clear to me also. Free from fear aftershocks and able to navigate with a clearer head.  A clearer head that knew exactly how I'd fucked up but was equally uncertain as to how to land at that dreamy destination.

A few days later, Iggy had stayed distant and consistent as requested. He'd been checking in on me via my proxies, the men with whom I shared a roof. Who, had he not asked, would still have been hovering above me as if I were about to take my first pedal sans training wheels. I felt calm but cold in the absence of his presence, punished by my own doing to deal with this sort of solo. Hence why the hovering didn't bother me too much.  And I didn't want to start things up properly, wholeheartedly with this murky feeling. I would tell him soon enough but it couldn't be the reason we came back to be.

"Alright, we're going out." Miles declared to us all in the living space. Jasper crunching away on Cheetos and Kenji enjoying a matcha with me. You know, regular house things.

"Out? What's happening?" I spluttered, briefly choking on an ice cube as my sip had been interrupted.

"We're the happening, we need to leave these walls and venture beyond. We've mourned enough and now it's time to revisit society with a new band of bodyguards by your side." Miles echoed, waving an arm across the room for emphasis.

"You take one English Lit class and all of a sudden it's Pirates of Penzance in here." Kenji laughed but nodded.

"I'm trying to inspire an outing, Kenji.  Are you gonna help or nah?" Miles danced towards Kenji and I, taking our shoulders in his grasp.

"Help, obviously." Kenji half shrugged, half nestled into the embrace.

"Harper, we need to take you out." Miles boomed, turning his attention to me while keeping us in a bear hug.  "Celebrate all of us being single and free - minus everyone's favorite soon to be married twosome. Ahem, we deserve it."

Noting the words bounce in the pit of my stomach, I nodded with false acceptance. Feelings of being coddled and lonely filled my cup half and half. A smile peeking from my lips reluctantly alongside a bob of my head. I really had nothing to be disappointed with, this had all been my own making.

"You don't need to pretend to be ok? He's been asking about you daily and if you wanted to me..." Jasper offered with orange fingers from his current hobby come meal.

"I didn't say anything, in fact I nodded in compliance." I offered with a more convincing smile, peering into my matcha.

"You know the rules, Harper, enthusiastic consent or nothing." Miles countered. Sharing my experience had brought about an even more protective side of these three, to the point they'd been texting past hookups and confirming comfortability. Endearing sure, but it definitely earned them an extra catch-up or three.