his star

𝐋𝐈

𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐨

I picked a flower.

Not a big one, not the one that has the brightest colour and not the one with the best looking leaf attached to it.

Others might ask why I chose exactly this one and not a different one and all I would do is smile because not in a hundred years would I tell them the secret behind it. I wouldn't want to risk finding another doing the same thing I do, don't want to risk letting someone ruin my flower with their action.

I'm walking along the hallway, passing door after door while fidgeting the stem in between my fingers, causing the flower to spin so fast that for a second it looks like a white dot in my hand, not one trace of the different petals recognisable.

My feet slow down, taking smaller steps until I come to a halt at last, positioning myself so that I'm facing the wooden material. Normally, I would knock, but this time it is to no use because I know she isn't here.

I don't know where she is, but it's some place different than the one I'm standing outside of.

Turning my head to the left and right, I make sure that no one is watching me before I bend down, erasing the flower from between my hands and taking a glance at her door lock that doesn't seem like one anymore because no key wold fit in it now.

White is staring at me with such intensity that I'm sure she'll see it.

Next, I move my hand towards the pocket of my trousers, searching for the piece of paper inside it and once I feel it on my skin, I pull my hand out again, attaching it to her door in a hight that is too low for me but perfectly fine for her.

"Find me." , that's what the note I left behind reads and instead of simply waiting for her to arrive and taking her with me, I walk away faster than I came here before, feeling my own pulse inside my throat.

One whole day, that's for how long I haven't spoken to her and the thought of meeting her later is causing my heart to pound faster because of two reasons.

First, I miss her. Perhaps it's ridiculous to miss someone that isn't even that far away from me, but I do - I miss her and I can't wait to smell her hair again once she hopefully hugs me, can't wait to taste her lips when she greets me.

But then there is this part of me that doesn't want to meet her because in my eyes, I'd rather miss someone than facing that person in real life. It sounds stupid and maybe even incomprehensible, but that's my way of thinking - so logically illogical.

Missing someone is something I recently learned and I don't like it. Of course there are people in my life who are close to me and who should be missed when we are separated for a long time, but I discovered that there are two different kinds of missing and I'm so mad that no one has ever told me about it - so mad that I had to find it out myself without knowing how to deal with it.

People start to miss others once they aren't able to see each other for several weeks, I get that even though I personally don't experience it that badly. You start to crave for someones company because you usually share nice moments with that person, go through funny scenarios  and a part of you wants to feel it again, so you start missing until that specific human being shows up again. I think everyone knows how it feels and that it sometimes can be uncomfortable, but not unbearable.

But this - the new version I discovered - is so much worse and I wish I had never found out about it. One day and my body is craving for her so bad that I feel like I'm slowly losing the ability to survive. I've never had someone that managed to hold me together, someone who can kill and bring me back to life only with their presence. But now I do and this specific girl has been away from me too long and I slowly start to feel the consequences of it.