Reaping of the Wives

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

When I first walked into the reflecting room and saw it's every luxurious commodity, I imagined locking myself in the bathroom and sinking chin deep in a hot bath. Soaking my bones until my grey, lackluster skin turned a shade of pink that I hadn't seen in months.

Instead, I was huddled under a blanket, absorbing every heartfelt word poured upon the pages of this hidden journal. I ran my fingers over the creased corners, wondering who's hands tucked these thoughts and memories away, and why they wanted a wife to find them.

There was so much written, it would take me weeks to sort through what was deep musings and what was meant for someone like me. Nothing so far was very helpful, seeing how anything shared pertaining to Noah's family was just deeper insights to their characteristics. Tips on what to say, what not to do, the easiest ways to stay in their good graces, or worse, anger them. All of which would have been valuable knowledge months ago, but was simply too little too late for me now.

It wasn't until I flipped toward the end that I lingered over one page in particular. There were several places where fallen tears had left smudged ink in their wake as they ran down the page...

"I have a vibrant, resilient free will that God Himself intended me to have, but they don't wish for me to embrace it. No matter what I say, or how I tell them that it's His gift to me, to us all, they shut me down. I just want to run free through a freshly bloomed field of wildflowers on a breezy spring day. Find out what it smells like to have the scent of them wrap around me. I want to sit beside the ocean and let the water rush upon me. To know for the first time how it feels to touch sand warmed by the sun at the same time the vast blue water chills my feet. I want to use my muscles for more than cleaning and cooking. I want to climb the highest mountain, heave fresh air deeply into my lungs and stand so tall that I touch the sky. I want out of these woods where the trees are like prison bars confining me to a fate I do not want. I have accepted the Lord into my heart, but I reject the notion that I have only been made for the sole purpose of pleasing a man."

I wiped my own tears, knowing this was exactly what I was fighting against for Ava. She didn't deserve any of this; she needed to go home. To be with her true family. To properly grieve her sister and be surrounded by loved ones who will support her through the trauma she had undoubtedly sustained here. I turned the page and the very first word made my breath hitch.

"Noah is the only one I can open my heart to. He hears me without judgement. He sympathizes with me and wishes for me to live the life I know I was destined to. That sweet boy is the godliest one here. Wherever life takes me, I hope he forever calls me Princess. His love is the purest I've ever known and if I can't be free, I'll tuck him away in my heart and be happy knowing I've at least been shown love the way I feel it is meant to be. If you are a Wife, lean into Noah. He will help you in ways no one else within the family will. This family... it is an impossible cycle to break, but I'm hoping with all my might that it's me who breaks it. Not just for myself, but for all the women who came before me. Even for the innocent boys who grow up to become tainted men. I think deep down, Mama wants me to. She's the one who shares books with me; ones that always have a secret message written throughout the story. Messages of strength, independence, and courage. Messages of what a woman is truly capable of. She wants this for me just as much as I want this for myself... and for you, Wife. If you are reading this, then you got my own secret message. Hear me: whoever you might be, I hope after you've read this, you remember who you once were. There is a mighty light within you that no man can extinguish, for God was the one who put it there. Keep this journal close, and God even closer. Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

I closed the book, feeling so overwhelmed with different emotions, my heart and mind physically ached. The torrent of tears that flowed down my cheeks were impossible to contain. I felt as though I was hovering right on the edge of a reality shattering mental breakdown.