Finding Home || bxb

3

"So, you gonna reply to her messages or what?" I asked Dahlia on Monday back at college.

"Nah, don't think so," she replied. "She's like been texting me all weekend non-stop even hours after I've not replied. Just feels really clingy. Like we slept together once and barely know each other but she's already this clingy, imagine if we were official."

"Maybe she just really wants to get to know you," I told her. Dahlia never have people a chance to get close to her romantically. I didn't know if it was because it scared her in some way, or if she really just wasn't the commitment type, but I wasn't going ask in case she got mad.

"Well, I'm not looking for anything serious anyway. I don't want to lead her on. That's worse than just ignoring her I think."

I shrugged already forgetting about the conversation as I saw Roman come in. It was lunch time again. He sat down on the table near us with his friends. His hair a little wet from the rain so it hung down on his forehead and went into his eyes. If I was there maybe I would have brushed his hair away so he could see me.

It's not like I'd ever go over to him though. I'd never had a boyfriend before, so I just liked to fantasise.

I didn't know what Dahlia's case was, but I was scared of dating. Scared of letting someone in and losing them too. I wouldn't have even been friends with Dahlia if she wasn't a stubborn bitch who kept persisting.

I used to sit at this table alone at lunch, watching everyone around me with their friends wondering what it was like to have people who had your back but unwilling to find out. I'd lost my parents in such a crushing way; waking up at a hospital and told by strangers in police uniforms that they were gone. Told that I was safe now, but my parents were gone. I remember wondering how they thought that that meant I was safe now. It just meant I was put into care where no one ever wanted to adopt a teen and the ones who fostered didn't actually care.

Carrie and Mike seemed like they maybe cared a little though. I could actually feel it radiate off them sometimes in the way they smiled at me like I was their own and fed me until they were sure my belly was full. I just struggled to let them in like I did with everyone else.

But Dahlia was something else. She chose to sit down at my table one day and never leave. She said she'd seen me one too many times on my own. And she didn't care if I wanted her there or not. Gays stick together apparently. And she got absolutely no benefit out of being my friend, but she still wanted to be, even dealing with all my shitty moods and helping me through my panic attacks when something reminded me of that night where my whole life changed.

——

"Hey Alden," Carrie greeted as I got home later that day. "Will you help me in the kitchen?"

"Oh uhh, I have homework so..."

She nodded. "Oh alright. Well come set the table later at least please."

"Okay," I shouted as I ran up the stairs.

I just didn't know how to be alone with her sometimes. She acted so much like she was my mother that I just wanted to scream at her that she wasn't. I would have done that in any past home I was in, but I didn't want to get kicked out for disrespecting them. I needed to stay somewhere steady until I finished college and I liked how lax they were about rules. They weren't as strict as the previous foster parents I'd been with, so I liked not having someone constantly on my back about everything.

I really did have homework though and when I was done, I scrolled through Roman's Instagram wondering what it would be like to talk to him. I bet he's smart so we could talk about things that actually matter, and maybe he likes the same music as me so we could sit in solitude with each other as Daniel Caesar serenaded us. I imagined us doing the little things like holding hands or laying my head on his chest as I listened to his heartbeat. It made me feel all warm inside.