Ghosts we leave behind

chapter 21; what ifs

Nora sipped her tea. The pain in her thigh was not gone but she'd gotten used to the dull throbbing. It helped when she didn't move it. Elijah didn't make himself a cup and she didn't press him on it. Though it did make her feel awkward every time she lifted the cup to her mouth.

It was exceptionally quiet in the house. Swallowing her tea, felt obnoxious in that moment. She rested the cup on her thigh. The heat from it felt nice, masking the ache for a while. She'd let it cool before her next sip so he didn't have to watch her drink tea all afternoon. It's not why she had come.

"Have you spoken to your parents?" she finally broke the silence.

Elijah's eyes were fixated on the coffee table. They were glassy, distracted and distant.

"Uh-" he parted his dry lips, lost in thought. "It wasn't a particularly long conversation."

Nora watched him, studying his side profile.

"I think we all expected this day would come," he added, hoarsely. "Didn't you?"

"Not like this."

"People fall into the canal all the time," he said, humourlessly. "It isn't unheard of. Just never believed that Olivia would go that way."

Nora didn't know what to say next. His expressions looked pained, as though he had run out of words himself.

"We've finally found her," he said with a sigh. "She's back home. She'll have somewhere to rest for eternity now."

"I'm so sorry this happened to you, Elijah," Nora said as earnestly as she could. She held back from reaching over and touching his hand in comfort. "I want you to know that I am here for you."

Elijah looked at her and nodded.

"I bet you didn't expect your birthday to go this way, huh?"

She shook her head, "That doesn't matter. Really."

"Life is," he drawled. "Funny."

Nora tried to inconspicuously sip her tea during the pause.

"If funny is a synonym for completely tragic."

Elijah made a face, "Well, it's not always tragic."

"When you're not looking so closely, maybe."

"I want you to know that," he paused, picking his words carefully. He did that a lot around her. Being careful. "I appreciate that you drove all the way here to check on me."

Nora shifted uncomfortably, "Of course."

"Though I wish you'd been driving a little slower."

She caught a slight smile on his lips. Opening her mouth to say something, she closed it immediately and reconsidered her next words. "That would have been wise."

Elijah was still uneasy. His body was tense, his back slightly arched forward. She glanced at his hands that were on the sofa's edge, like he was holding himself there. Nora understood body language. He was holding back on something. She just wasn't sure what it was.

"Nora, I- uh."

Nora clenched her back teeth together, unsure of what he was going to say.

"You know I tried contacting you every day of that summer you left? Tried calling you, left messages and emails. But you never returned any of them."

Nora was momentarily stunned by him bringing that up.

"Do you ever remember any of it?"

"That was a long time ago," she reminded him.

"Well, do you?"

"Does it matter if I do? And why are you bringing this up all of a sudden?"

He gave her a half smile. "Because it still gnaws at me. Keeps me wondering."

"Wondering for what, Elijah?"

He let his head drop and blew out a deep breath. The room felt too hot all of a sudden. Her head felt warm and she had an urge to open the window for more ventilation.

"I have a fiancé," Nora watched his sullen frame.

Silence settled around them, filling in the space. Nora could feel it, tightening around her throat.

"I'm sorry," he finally lifted his head and looked at her. "But Nora, you tell me that you don't feel anything at all here. That I've been reading it all wrong, and I'll fuck off."

Nora was at a loss for words. She didn't expect him to hurl all of this on to her.

Elijah pressed his hand over hers, giving it a squeeze. Nora flinched ready to pull her hand from under his but she kept it still. She didn't want to admit that his touch still affected her. That she had missed hearing his voice. That leaving him was possibly the single most devastating thing she had ever done.

"It doesn't matter what I feel, Elijah."

"It matters to me," Elijah replied.

Nora pulled her hand away and scratched her forehead lightly.

"I remember it," she nodded. "And I was childish, I shut you out because it was never going to work. I'm sorry for doing that to you. But just know that whatever you were going through, I went through it as well."

Elijah moved closer, testing the boundaries. It felt magnetic between them. Like it always had been.

"I still care about you, Elijah. But I can't stay here any longer. And I can't do this to Patrick," she pushed herself up, trying not to wince at the pain.

"Nora-"

"I'm sorry," Nora walked towards the front door.

Elijah stayed where he was, seated on the sofa. He couldn't bring himself to ask her to stay. The front door never opened. He waited for the sound but it never came. 

He finally got up and walked out of the room, seeing her standing by the coat rack. She looked up at him, meeting his gaze. They stayed like that, both unable to speak. Nora's head felt like it would implode any minute. If she walked out of the house, she risked losing Elijah the second time.

And that fear seemed to outweigh her fear of losing her fiancé. That's why she stayed. She felt paralysed.

"Nora?" he was afraid.

She walked towards him and stopped. "I don't want to hurt Patrick."

"I know."

Nora closed the distance between them, standing right in front of him. Elijah sensed her turmoil and decided to make it easier for her. She could hate him later if she wanted to. He reached out and wrapped his hand around her waist, leaning towards her.

Nora's breathing hitched and Elijah kissed her gently. There was opportunity for her to pull away, push him or leave. Instead she placed her hands on his arms as he took her into his embrace. It didn't feel real. Nora was somewhere beyond herself in that moment, galaxies away until they finally pulled apart.

They stayed like that a while, planets tied up in orbit. Elijah pressed his forehead against hers. All the pain he'd endured seemed to slip past like sand in a storm. It wouldn't matter anymore if she decided to stay. If she changed her mind about Patrick.

Nora surprised herself and Elijah when she moved forward for another kiss. It felt completely different than when she was with Patrick. She was ashamed to compare them but it felt like she had found something once entirely lost to her. No man had known her like Elijah did.

He moved so that the wall was behind them. Their surroundings becoming a blur and grief was swept aside as they walked to Elijah's room.

The world had somehow come back together, piece by piece.

For them both.

✞