Night Lights and Dark Places

Chapter Seven - Ache

It had rained before, but he'd never seen rain like this. A heavy downpour began without warning, and Tolly was infuriated.

"I am gonna murder whoever's in charge of local weather forecast." She growled. They'd taken shelter on the porch of an antiques shop and she was crouched on the steps in a position that made her look like a malnourished gargoyle. "I am gonna strangle him with my bare hands and watch as the life fades from his eyes."

James side-eyed her, bemused. All this because she'd left her umbrella at home when the forecast predicted scattered afternoon showers.

"Killing the man won't make the rain stop, you know."

Tolly groaned and splayed her limbs dramatically over the steps, head back and eyes closed. Frustration aside, she looked far more tired than usual, haggard and disheveled, and he felt an unfamiliar pain in his chest. Not quite pity, not quite sympathy, but something sour accented with the overwhelming desire to tend to her, to make sure she got a full night's rest. He said nothing. It was not his responsibility, and it would've been presumptuous to endeavor. She stretched and sat up, looking slightly more alert.

A taxi pulled up to the curb a few yards away, and two young men emerged from the backseat, cursing the weather. The taller of the two pulled off his coat and they huddled beneath it before dashing up the sidewalk, arms linked. A smart substitute for a proper umbrella, he thought, and as he began to suggest the two of them do the same, she cut him off.

"You're too tall for that to work," she said, biting the inside of her cheek with a needlessly grim expression. "Plus, it's kind of a couple thing, it'd be weird."

"There's two of us, though."

"I mean it's a romance thing."

"Oh, courtship." he mumbled, shifting his attention to literally anything other than her critical gaze. "The concept is quite foreign to me. I don't think I've ever even seen two individuals interact in that context."

"Safe to assume you ain't dated nobody before?"

"It's the correct assumption. I've no interest in such things." James shrugged, uncomfortable. "Well, more accurately, it's not something I put much thought into."

"Can't blame you none. It's a bitch." The tone of her voice had turned suddenly somber, and it was enough to reclaim his attention. Her face was unreadable, lips parted and eyes distant.

"You're experienced?" She blanched at the question.

"You make me sound like such a whore, but yeah, I am, I guess." Tolly folded her hands in her lap as she sat straight and proper. "I'm kinda jealous. Getting involved's a mistake I keep making. Sometimes I'm grateful, though. Taught me I'm better off without attachment."

What about him? Their friendship? "I'm sorry you feel that way."

She shrugged. "It's fine. Gets me by."

"Do you wish to discuss it?"

Another shrug, this time accompanied by a small smile. "Not a whole lot to discuss, to be real with you. Like, until recently, I ain't ever been able to keep friends or be in a decent relationship with somebody. I keep givin' pieces of myself away to self-absorbed shitheads who ain't gonna fill the holes they leave. I figure these days it's easier just to not get invested or anything."

"Is that why you were so frustrated with yourself when we first became friends?"

"Yeah. I'm less frustrated now, 'cause I like... trust you, I guess." Tolly gave him a reassuring grin that looked a little forced. "I think you're a safe investment."

Another little ache in his chest, different from before. Warm. "I'm glad, then."

"It's just that romantic relationships just hurt in this whole other way that's kinda traumatic. I only ever dated four people, and every single time, they left me all fucked up." A dark, humorless little laugh punctuated her last sentence. "My first relationship was with a girl from church, and since we're Catholic, we had to be a secret. Already a pretty shitty start, then she just moved away without saying anything. I found out secondhand. Didn't even say goodbye."

"That's inconsiderate."

Tolly laughed genuinely, looked at him with a warm expression. "You're telling me. Second relationship was with a girl I met in high school, and that went fine until one day she told me she was straight and that our whole thing didn't mean shit. I was just a phase for her. Insult to injury, she told everybody I was gay and that sucked, until I joined track and got hot and popular. Then everybody forgot, like magic."

"Is it taboo for two women to court each other?"

"Kinda, if you're a complete dickweed. I'm not even gay, I just like who I like." Tolly rubbed the back of her neck, frowning. "Next one was a guy. Everybody called him Bones, which shoulda been a red flag itself. That one especially sucked because he was totally normal in the beginning and then he just did a one-eighty and became this raging, insecure asshole. Didn't take no for an answer, couldn't control his anger."

James stared back at her, horrified by the insinuation, furious with this unnamed man who harmed her. She didn't look bothered by the memory.

"Actually, maybe that does have a happy ending. He went to jail for manslaughter. Then I moved here." She actually grinned, broad and toothy. "Too bad things just got worse. Sometimes I wonder what I'd be like if I never came here."

He swallowed, nervous.

"First year I lived here, I lived uptown, with my friend Callie. We split the rent on a nice two bedroom," Tolly said, twisting and lacing her fingers in a way that looked painful. "I was dating this guy Nick for a while, then I came home one day to all these boxes and her sitting on the couch with him, just waiting for me. Told me they were in love and they were moving in together. And I was the bad friend for not approving, can you believe it?"

Though she'd been trying to hide it, the hurt in her voice was now particularly clear. He said nothing.

"They left me with that place, with all the furniture and the rent and the bills, and I lost all my savings trying to keep up." She shook her head, a sad little smile on her lips. "Probably woulda taken them to small claims if it weren't..."

Suddenly she stopped, cleared her throat. "I think it was about a month after she left that I... lost somebody really important to me. I gave up on everything, quit my job, dropped my classes, and rode out the rest of my lease before I went home for a little while. Honestly thought I'd die." Her voice was weak, shaking. "Then I came back, moved into my current place, because I just couldn't stand being home anymore. Went into mortuary science and found a new purpose in life. That was about two years ago."

Tolly finally made eye contact with him again, a serene smile on her lips. There wasn't much he could think to say. This woman had bared her ravaged heart to him and he was dumbfounded.

"I'm sorry, Tolly." James said gently. "I cannot imagine such a feeling. Loss."

"It's a rough one. But I'm tougher for it, plus I got all these safeties in place so I don't ever gotta hurt like that again."

"Would it be any sort of consolation if I were to assure you that I won't leave?" He asked. A sly little grin crept across her face as he spoke. "Unless you want me to, that is. Just tell me, and I will."

"No, I don't think I'm gonna. Like I said, I'm invested." She bumped his shoulder playfully, then moved to sit on the same step he occupied and settled beside him. "You stay."

"That's comforting. Thank you."

There was a moment of hesitation before she leaned against his arm, her head resting on his shoulder. "Just returning the favor."

They stayed like that for a while, letting the sentiment hang heavily with the humidity. The rain did not let up until well past midnight, and though Tolly accidentally slept in the next morning, she looked rested and alert at the bus stop and he was glad for it.