Night Lights and Dark Places

Chapter Fifteen - Void

James was a surprisingly good roommate for a literal caveman.

She spent the rest of her break teaching him how various appliances in the apartment worked and how to do chores. It was kind of great, coming home from work to find that he'd organized her bookshelf and ran her dishwasher. There was really only one major drawback, aside from no longer having access to the couch.

"No offense," she said to him one evening, about as gently as she could manage. "but you smell like a dead animal."

"Is that bad?" He asked.

Fortunately, he wasn't unfamiliar with the concept of bathing, but laundry was brand new, and for some reason, oddly exciting. He liked to sit and listen to the washing machine for reasons she could not fully understand. She'd found him asleep by it one morning, curled up in the middle of the pantry with a book still open on the floor beside him, and it was kind of adorable. His request to continue sleeping in there went denied, because what the fuck kind of host would she be if she let her guest sleep on the floor in a closet?

The new abundance of freetime was also a nice side-effect of his addition to the household. She spent evenings knitting or catching up on books she hadn't read yet, while he occupied himself voraciously tearing through her library and playing various games.

He was quietly playing solitaire when her mother called.

"Ciao, Mama."

"Madon, who raised you? Not me, Talia, I raise you to answer your phone!" James looked up, startled, though she couldn't guess why. On the other line, her mother sighed heavily. "You don't call, you don't text. What do you do all day?"

"You know what I do."

"You waste time! Now tell me, for holidays, what are you doing?" Tolly could never tell, was the biting criticism and constant nagging an Italian thing, or was it just her mom's natural inclination? She rolled her eyes and leaned back into the couch.

"I'm not coming home. I gotta work." It wasn't a complete lie. She glanced at James, who was still looking at her with a confused expression. "Plus I got other obligations. Sorry."

"We are missing you, bella." Her mother paused. "I am missing you."

For such a cold woman, her mother melted her heart with relative ease. "Sorry, Mama. Next year, I promise. Just gotta graduate and I'll be back in your hair before you know it."

"So you know, Alonzo moved close. We will have him and his family this year."

"See, there you go. You'll barely notice I'm gone."

There was another long pause. "I notice the quiet things."

"It's too hard for me still," Tolly said, actively avoiding James' quizzical gaze. "Next year I'll be ready."

"Are you staying safe?" Her mother's usual commanding tone made its reentry into her heavily-accented speech.

"Yes, Mama."

"Good. I worry."

"I know. I'll call you again this weekend. We can have a normal conversation."

"I would like that. Ciao, bella."

"Ciao, Mama."

Tolly stared blankly at her phone for a long while after the call ended. James cleared his throat.

"Was that your mother?" He asked gently.

"Yeah, that's my Ma. Lovely lady." It was said sarcastically, but there was some sincerity to the statement.

"Who is Talia? And Alonzo?"

Tolly laughed loudly. "Talia's me. It's not my name, I'm named after my grandfather. She never liked that." She laced her fingers together. "Alonzo's my older brother. Nobody calls him Alonzo except Ma. We all call him Lonnie."

"You've not said much about your family, so this is the first I've heard his name." James turned his attention back to his cards. "You should go see your family, I think."

"No. I'm not going back," Tolly said. "I'm not going back to that house."

"Why? You and your mother seem close, and-,"

"Jamie, can I tell you something?" She asked suddenly. He hesitated, a card in hand. "Something that you have to promise you're not gonna blow out of proportion, or treat me any different because of it?"

His eyes widened. "I... Huh?" Her face was stony and serious, and she didn't make any attempt to clarify. "You can tell me anything you want. When have you ever known me to be judgmental?"

Tolly exhaled heavily. "I guess you're right." She rose from the couch and lazily drifted across the floor, her hands grasping for one of the picture frames resting in the bookcase. The picture was handed to him and it was the same one of her and her sister posed in front of a lake. He looked up to her face and her smile was strained, mournful.

"Dee's... Deanna, my little sister. She died a few years ago."

He glanced back down at the photo, at Deanna's smiling face, then to Tolly's frozen gaze. Not only were they almost identical, their eyes were the same shade of green. James looked back to the woman in front of him, her face still pained.

"I'm so sorry."

"I still don't know how to respond to sympathy, y'know? It's never felt real." Tolly shook her head, wrapping her arms around her small chest. "It doesn't feel like she's gone, but there's still this big hole in my life where she used to be."

He didn't say anything. Tolly continued.

"I don't like going back home. Last time I was there, it was the holidays, and she was alive. Now there's this... silence where her voice should be. I can't stand it."

"That's why you don't celebrate Christmas, then?"

"Yeah." Tolly sat down on the floor adjacent to him, legs folded. Their knees touched. "It was just after my big shitty break-up that it happened. She tried her best to help me through it, but I was just so stubborn. I was stubborn, can you imagine?" She smirked a little. "Dee was very patient. I didn't deserve that."

"I'm sure she'd disagree."

She nodded solemnly. "Probably." There was a long, uncomfortable silence before she spoke again. "People treat me all weird and shit after they find out, though. Like they gotta walk on eggshells. You don't! Like, it's not something I'm ever gonna get over, but it's something I learned to deal with, you know?"

"It's... it just seems like common courtesy to me. Sensitivity." He offered, shrugging.

"I don't need sensitivity," she said indignantly. James sighed, acquiescing.

"I acknowledge your pain, but I do not pity you. Is that what you want?"

"Yeah, for the most part. Understanding." Tolly grinned, a hint of melancholy lingering in the expression. "You're a good friend."

He shrugged again.

"Tell me about your family. Lighten the mood," She suggested innocently, nudging his arm with her forehead. He raised an eyebrow.

"I don't have much nice to say about them, if I'm honest." Tolly frowned, and he felt a little bad for it. "And I'll never see them again, so I may as well not have one anymore."

"I'm sorry."

"I don't think you need to be."

Tolly smiled softly. "Looks like you don't need any sensitivity either."

He paused, thoughtful. "I suppose I don't."

She shifted across the floor, sidling up next to him, close enough that she could feel the heat of his body on her bare arms. "You and me, we're our own family. How's that sound?"

For a long time, he said nothing, cheeks flushed with color. "... That sounds quite nice to me."