Until There Was You

The heart-break

"Hi dad. Yes, I had so much fun. Yes, sorry we are all just getting up. Yeah. I'll be home later this morning. Ok. Love you too."
How was I ever going to look my father in the eye after this? Well, too late for that now. Grow up Mara. It's not that big of a deal, I tried to convince myself. I looked over at James who was still asleep; sweetly curled up in our mess of blankets. I lay back down next to him, gently kissing him on the nose, as I traced his jaw line with my finger. He let out a sigh as he rolled over onto his back. I laid myself a-crossed his chest and kissed him. He turned to look at me, a sexy smirk spreading across his lips.
"Good morning."
"Hi," I replied shyly.
"Well," he said propping himself up on his elbow, "I think you are gonna need some clothes unless you plan to put that dress back on," he chuckled. I watched as he wrapped himself in a blanket and began rummaging through his drawers. He tossed a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt at me. I breathed them in, relishing in the Avatar cologne scent he would often wear.
"Not sure about you but I'm hungry."
As I got dressed I watched him move around the room in a sort of nonchalance. Was this how it typically worked? You just did it and then went on about your day? Although the moment itself was beyond amazing, the after vibes just felt cold. I thought we might lay in each others arms for at least awhile longer exchanging sweet kisses and talking about our affection for one another. But, his mannerisms this morning seemed to discount the importance of what we had shared the night before.
"I will drop you off at home," he said with a hint of hesitancy. After a slight pause he continued, "I am hanging with Boe this afternoon to help him and his dad with his car."
Another blow to my fragile psyche.
"Uh, ok sure," I responded trying to sound just as nonchalant.
We didn't talk much on the drive to my house. As he pulled in to the circle drive I saw my dad was out on the mower, tootling about the yard as he does every weekend when it gets warm out. Perfect. He wouldn't be paying any attention to what I have on.
"I will see you at school," James smiled.
"Yeah, ok. See you Monday," I replied still a bit confused and slightly hurt.
"Call you later tonight?"
"Yeah, ok."
He kissed the hand he had been holding on the ride home as I got out. No sooner did I close the car door he was making his way down the drive way.
"Love you," I whispered to myself.

"So, Mara, let's hear it. How was prom?"
Elaine glared at me from across the lunch table, the most devious grin plastered on her face. I knew she wanted details.
"It was nice. We had fun."
"What?! That's it? You had fun. It was nice. Boring. So did you or not?"
I wanted to tell her, but a part me felt it was just so personal and I was still trying to processes it myself. James and I talked for about an hour or so Saturday night but he never spoke of it and I certainly didn't want to bring it up. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, hurt, and lied to. I wasn't sure why though. So James wasn't Casanova after we slept together. Maybe that is just a guy thing. Maybe he regretted it. I didn't know. But, in that moment I just couldn't tell Elaine.
"No. Close, but we didn't get back to his place until almost midnight and we were both exhausted. Just another heavy make-out sesh. Sorry to disappoint."
Brie's eyebrows raised. She knew I was lying. But, Elaine bought it hook line and sinker.
"Well, there is alway's next time," she laughed.
I glanced back at Brie. She knew she would be hearing more about it later.
"I don't know! He just got up, chucked some clothes at me, said he was hungry, then drove me home. No I love you. Nothing!"
I was frantic, tears running down my face, breathing heavily into the receiver as Brie listened on the other end.
"Maybe he was just feeling awkward too, Mara. Or, maybe he wasn't sure how to feel let alone how you were feeling. Sounds like you two really need to talk. I'm sure it's fine and you are just making a bigger deal of it than it is."
"You know James is not a very emotionally open guy. What if I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Telling me that he loved me so I would sleep with him. God, I'm so stupid!"
Just then a light flashed across my bedroom and I heard the revving of James car as it pulled in to the front drive.
"James is here," I exclaimed. "He never said he was coming over. What if he is coming over to, you know, 'talk.' What if he is coming over to break things off now that he got what he wanted!"
"Calm down Mara. I doubt it. He's probably just as worried and wants to see you. It's gonna be fine. Call me after, ok?"
"Ok."
"Well hi James," I heard my mom's welcoming voice from the foyer. "Yes, she's in her room."
I hung up the phone and sat, gripping the side of my bed until my fingers were white, staring at the door in nauseous anticipation of what was coming. Maybe Brie was right and I was exaggerating this all in my head. But, what if she was wrong? What if my whole world was about to come crashing down around me? Just then the door opened. James stood in the doorway, a look on his face I hadn't seen before. Pensiveness but unease at the same time.
"Hey," he said gently closing the door behind him.
"Hey," I responded nervously.
"Sorry I didn't call first."
He took a few steps towards me but kept his gaze on the rose-colored carpet of my bedroom floor.
"It's fine."
Silence. It was deafening. It was eternal. I felt an all too familiar feeling rise up in the back of my throat. One that usually meant nothing good was about to happen.
"Look I..."
"James, I..."
We stared at each other, each instinctively stifling our sentence to let the other talk first. The tension in the air was squeezing my lungs. I could barely breath.
"Let me just..." James began. "I just came here because I thought we should talk."
He could barley look at me. I felt the tears start to well up. I fought to hold them back. Here it comes.
"Listen, about prom night. You know I care about you."
Care. Care?! Not love, but care!
"I don't want you to think I didn't enjoy myself or whatever."
Well of course you did. From what I hear that's all guys think about. Sex and themselves. With no regard to how anyone else might feel about something this major. I couldn't contain the defensive rebuttals racing through my mind as I prepared myself for impending heartbreak.
"I just didn't know what to do the next morning or what to say. I don't regret it. And, I'm sorry if I hurt you."
I felt my hands release their grip and the blood rush back to my fingers. I exhaled the breath I had been holding in for what seemed like a lifetime.
"James, I..."
"That was my first time and I wasn't sure how that was supposed to go. So, I just..."
His voice trailed off, his gaze still glued to the floor. I knew what it took for him to share any of this with me, let alone something as personal as this being his first time. I rose from the side of my bed and walked over to him, taking his hands in mine. His eyes finally met mine.
"I love you, James."
That was all I could think of to say. That and, "You were my first too."
A smile graced his lips as he wrapped an arm around me.
"Love you too."

The end of school drew nearer and I could feel myself getting more and more restless. James and I remained in separable. And, although I thought things would be so much better after we talked that night, something had just felt off the last few weeks.
"So, do you want to go see a movie and grab some dinner tomorrow?"
It was Friday. One week before school was finally out. I sat across from James as we finished up our lunches. He had been pretty quite most of the day.
"James?"
"What? Oh, sorry. I would but Boe and I are working on his car.
"Still? You guys have been working on the pile of junk forever. Ok, then. What about Sunday? We can get lunch or something."
"I have to work until 5:00."
"Ok, dinner after work?"
"I will just call you when I get home from work."
"Ok."
As I sat looking at him, I could tell he wasn't being completely honest. Something was off. We had been spending every spare moment together just like we normally do. I felt like his family had pretty much adopted me. Even when we weren't together I was at his house, either babysitting his sweet niece or just hanging out with his little sister and mom as I would wait for him to get home from where ever. I could walk in without so much as a knock on the door at this point and they would greet me with a huge smile. I loved his family so much.
Though I could definitely tell something was on his mind, something was on mine too. Ever since prom night, sex had become almost like an expectation. It was nearly every time we were together. Sounds great, but it had honestly lost it's meaning. It was like it had become something we just did. Like a task you complete on a check list. We would come back to his house from where ever, pop in a movie or turn on some music, then spoon on the couch or bed. It always ended in sex. It was no longer the romantic, heart-stopping experience I thought it would always be. Maybe he was feeling the same way.
"Hey," he said as he stood up with his tray in hand, "I gotta get to class but I will call you tomorrow."
"Ok. Love you."
He smiled, giving me a head nod as he turned and walked off. What in the actual hell. A sinking feeling crept over me and that god-awful lump formed in my throat. What is going on? Whatever it was it wasn't good.
Saturday came and went. No call. Sunday was the same. I had waited until almost 9:00 before calling his house. His mom said he wasn't home and wasn't sure where he was. Per the usual, she didn't seem too concerned about James's whereabouts. At this point I was passed my feelings of being hurt. I was pissed.
When I got to school on Monday, I didn't see him all day. Was he home sick? Was he skipping? He has done that on more than one occasion so that would not have been odd for him. This was getting ridiculous. Of course my friends tried their best to talk me off of the proverbial ledge I found myself standing on.
"I'm sure it's fine, Mara," Brie said
"It's not 'fine' Brie. I know he hates talking about feeling and stuff , but not calling and pretty much avoiding me is not cool!"
Brie just shrugged. I know she was trying to be helpful, but it wasn't.
"Mara, it's James!" My mom called from the kitchen.
"I got it," I yelled back as I ran to my room. I waited to hear the click of the other line.
"Hi."
"Hey."
Silence. I freaking hate silence.
"Where have you been?"
"No where really."
Silence again.
"Ok. What does that mean? Why have you been acting so weird lately. And why didn't you call yesterday?"
I could feel my anger start to rise.
"Look, I've been thinking..."
The silent pauses were crushing. I have heard that line in more than one movie...
"I think maybe we should take a break."

I couldn't breath. My heart was pounding not only in my chest but in my throat and my ears. Tears filled my eyes so quickly there was no stopping the waterfall that was about to ensue.
"I just think we need some time apart or something. Mara?"
How does this go? My whole world just shattered in one instance. He had to have been thinking this for awhile. This wasn't something he just woke up one morning and decided. That means all those times in the last several weeks he said 'I love you' were a lie. All the times we slept together were meaningless. I gave him everything. And now he needs a break?! I didn't know how to respond. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would say something I couldn't put back and if I did that we might never be able to fix this? Did I want to fix this?
"Is it something I did?"
The question shocked even myself.
"I just need some space."
"So it is me?"
I knew he could hear the devastation in my voice.
"It's just, I mean I do love you and I don't want..."
"How can you say you love me but break up with me at the same time?"
My voice started to grow louder.
"That doesn't making any fucking sense, James."
"Mara, I just... It's complicated."
"It's not complicated at all! We're done and that's it."
"Mara."
"I gave everything to you. EVERYTHING!!"
Silence again. If I could strangle the silence itself I would have.
"I'm sorry."
The dial-tone rang in my ear as if it were going to burr a hole right through my brain.
I slammed the phone down so hard I thought I had broken it into a million pieces.

My world had just collapsed.