Randomness

Reflections of a Blue Bunny

As I sit here and wait out the end of 2022 I decided to reflect on the year and write this...journal entry of sorts. Maybe it's a goodbye, maybe it's a moment of release, maybe it's absolutely a waste of time and I delete it as soon as I post it.

Obviously my attempt to come back to Wattpad this year has failed and failed hard. To be perfectly honest I don't know if I'll ever write again. The spark just hasn't been there as much as I wish it were so I can at least finish the Draygon books. If I'm honest, I don't even know why I'm still trying. Why am I writing this post? Why do I keep coming back here when the activity has dwindled to nothing because I'm not here? Why why why?

And I really have no answer for that but my heart wants to write this for whatever reason. Maybe because perhaps my struggles can help others? Though I'm not going to go into full details because, well, I don't think the full details matter really.

Since about 2019 I've been either teetering on the edge of cracking or truly cracking. I tried my best to fight through it, but I couldn't. So when the whole covid thing hit and I watched my entire life crumble before me, I cracked fully. I saw my full time job become nothing more than a part time job to finally being lost forever. I had worked that job for 15 years and in a blink of an eye it was gone because our tiny 7 person office wasn't deemed essential. I'm not going to go fully into my feelings on the lockdowns because frankly I don't need the inevitable debate that comes with them, right or wrong. But it was rough not only losing my job but also seeing my boss lose 30 years of her livelihood in one fell swoop. I kept reminding myself so many others had it worse but you can remind yourself that until the cows come home, but it really doesn't help much even if it's the truth.

Now covid wasn't the only reason the business closed forever. The bosses health was rapidly declining so it really was inevitable. But that doesn't take away the shock and pain I experienced. When I was already teetering on the edge that was the final straw.

Again I'm not going to go into specifics of my feelings or what happened because I don't think that will help anyone. But what will help is letting everyone know...you do get through it. At the time I really didn't think I would. Literally the only thing that kept me getting out of bed each day was that my cats needed me to feed them. But it's because I got through it that I can tell you, my dear reader, you get through it. Truly.

2021 came with it's own struggles but I finally accepted I couldn't do it alone. I sought therapy and I was put on some anxiety medications. While I can debate the effectiveness of the medication, I can say the therapy has been a huge help. Having someone who can help me process my feelings and talk me through them has been immeasurably helpful. That's another thing I need to say that might help someone out there.

There is no shame in getting help. None. It doesn't mean you're weak. It doesn't mean you're a failure. It simply means you need an extra helping hand. I'm not sure I would've gotten through everything I went through if I hadn't taken that step. Sometimes you just need that third party to help you put things into perspective and that's okay. So if you take anything away from whatever the hell this post is for, take that.

Compared to 2020, 2021 was a better year but that still wasn't saying too much. After 3 months unemployed and coming close to the end of the unemployment assistance, I found my current job and I think that was when things truly started to improve. When the weight on my chest finally started to ease.

I can no longer call myself a graphic designer, but it's a steady job with a good company and if all continues to go well I'll be using some of my graphic experience while learning how to do marketing for the company. It's a nerve wracking yet exciting growth in my career.

2022 was even more of a step up from 2021, though not without it's sorrows. I had to end a long time friendship with someone I thought would stay in my life forever. But I reached a point that I could not longer do it and he couldn't give me the conversations I needed to fix things with him. So for my mental health I ended the friendship. That's another thing to take away from this word vomit of a post...listen to your heart. Will it hurt to end that relationship with a person? Yes. Yes it will. But it's okay to make the decision for yourself. If you're struggling with mental health then be selfish and focus on yourself for a while. It's okay.

I also had myself tested for autism in 2022. Some of the ways I shut down I felt, and still feel, go beyond my formal anxiety diagnosis. The way I am around people I don't know, how I am in other social situations, my OCD tendencies, crying because I can't seem to process a change in my life that rationally I know shouldn't bother me... among other things. While I have multiple autism like traits, they didn't present in a way that was autism according to the doctor. But I'm still so very proud of myself for reaching out to get the test. I advocated for myself. Naturally my mind second guesses things because I can force myself to do so many things that makes it look like I'm perfectly fine when I'm not, so I can't help but wonder how much that played into the diagnosis. Because I COULD force myself to have a conversation with the doctor even if every part of me wanted to crawl under her desk and cry.

But I did come away with a diagnosis that I suspected and finally confirmed. I have a sensory issue. For as long as I can remember if I wore something that touched my throat it felt like it was choking me. Tiny brush of a shirt collar, scarf, my own hair-- it was like a piece of rope strangling me. Even wearing a mask in the time of covid has been a personal hell for me because it gives me the same feeling of suffocation. So I am happy I finally have a name to put to that feeling other than me just being nuts. That's another thing for you to take away from this...advocate for yourself. Especially if you're in the US where our healthcare can be less than ideal. If you think you need to be tested for something then fight for your right to be tested. I thankfully didn't have a hard time getting the approval to test since a lot of my anxiety issues do crossover into the spectrum. I mean A LOT of them. As much as I hate labels, sometimes they are necessary to get the help you need so fight for your right to get that label and get that help. You don't have to walk around wearing it like a badge, just do what you need to do to get the help you need.

Then in early December my Stepmom passed away. She had been battling heart failure for several years and the covid situation caused both her and my dad to literally lock themselves in their house for the better part of 2 years. My dad left the house to pick up mail and grocery shop, but that was it. He naturally didn't want to bring covid back to her so he became a shut in. And my step mom left the house maybe a total of 5 times in 2 years before she passed, all of which involved the doctors or hospital visits. In the grand scheme of things, my stepmoms death hasn't effected me because her and I had a falling out years ago. Plus she's finally at peace. While I didn't get to see the physical suffering, my dad and I talked often enough I knew how bad it was. In order to keep her safe my dad became a borderline agoraphobic who never left the house. Since her passing he's been able to pull himself together and go see friends he hadn't seen in years.

I admire that in so many ways. Where I collapse at the slightest change in my routine or sad thing, he's pulling himself together and returning to life. That's not to say he isn't sad. He is. He absolutely is. And I and my brothers have been helping him organize his finances since that was something my stepmom has always handled. But I truly admire how he's rising above the pain I know he's in. So that's your take away from that. You have a greater strength than you realize.

In 2023 I should formally move over to the marketing department and begin my training. I won't pretend I'm not scared because there is so much I'm going to need to learn, but I'm excited. From the ashes of a life crumbling before me I see the rise of something better.

So that, my dear reader, is why I think I write this. I want to impart the lesson I've learned during my past couple years of struggles. If I can never bring closure to the Draygon books, I can give this...

No matter how hard your year. How rough your situation. How empty you feel. Stay strong. It will get better.

Rise above and have a happy New Year!

Here's to 2023 and beyond.

With all the love,

Prisim, the Blue Bunny.