Randomness

I'm Jon Snow, I Know Nothing

So decided it's time for another one of these random "updates" I figure I'll do these periodically until I either A. start writing again or B. truly give up hope on ever writing again. Maybe if I pretend this is a story I'm telling I'll actually tell a story...I don't know. At this point it's still probably more likely I'll never write again, but I'm keeping that glimmer of hope alive.

I'm still struggling to find a medication that works for my ADHD but I'm also still questioning the diagnosis. I do hate how so much overlaps with something else so it is as much a guessing game as with anything. So many things I've learned to just "fake until I make it" so I get left wondering can I really get diagnosed if I'm able to pretend I'm okay?

My friend thinks I should just self diagnose as somewhat autistic because we were talking about a lot of my issues and she feels I'm more of a combo ADHD/Autistic. But I really don't know how I feel about doing something like that. I have bad enough imposter syndrome as it is so not having medical backing for something probably is a no for me. It's just so many of my issues fall within the spectrum that it really has me questioning.

Yes I have the rational mind to understand that I don't need to take my obsessive chatter in my head and share with people I know don't give a crap about that topic. I look at my very autistic nephew and I can see many similarities between us. With his hand flapping and unable to stand flat on his feet, his autisim is obvious. But even he is starting to learn through his therapies how to control that hand flapping because it's not "socially acceptable." So it's been frankly inspiring to watch him grow into a young teen and learn some of those coping techniques yet still being true to himself.

But then I look at his less obvious signs. He is such a smart kid, he really is, but when he gets interested in something he will tell you all about that something. And one of his favorite things is to test a person on their knowledge of capitals. He can tell you every single capital for every single state and country. And once he gets going on a topic, there is no stopping him. In that trait we're similar. When my head gets stuck on something, there's no shaking it. Where we differ is I keep mine internally whereas his will be shared with anyone regardless of if they'll listen or not.

My dad and I just drove to Texas to visit my brother who lives there because my other brother and his family were going out for the solar eclipse, so we essentially tagged along on the trip but we drove so we could bring a few things to my brother. While out there we also went to the space museum and in the gift store they had my all time favorite jet, the SR-71.

I was already buying enough souvenirs, plus I already have an sr-71 toy from the many airshows where I saw it fly, so I convinced myself that because the sign only said blackbird, not sr-71, that that meant it was NOT MY sr-71. Nope it wasn't. Nuh uh. Not a chance. This did actually manage to work and keep me from buying the toy, but driving home it triggered that obsessive mind of mine. All of a sudden I had to research everything about the sr-71 again, I regretted not buying the toy so I had to look for where I could buy, I spent HOURS looking all this up. And there was a huge part of me that wanted to talk to my dad as we drove and tell him all about this jet. But again, I knew he didn't care 2 bits about it so I kept it internal. Sure he would've humored me because I'm his baby girl, but I still knew not to.

Yet I just couldn't help but see the similarities of my one-track mind to that of my nephews. Realistically this probably isn't an autism trait in me, but I still can't help but wonder because it happens so very often. I'm thankful that at least now it's over topics I like and not my anxiety brain sending me down that obsessive rabbit hole, but it's still frustrating because I'm trying all the tricks my therapist has taught me but so far nothing is controlling that obsessive tendency.

I'm now on my second meds for ADHD and I've been screaming to high heaven that it's not working for me. I was on a smaller dose to start and we've since increased it 3 times. The first 2 doses I would feel a crash starting at 2pm. I'd feel almost exactly like I did when I was on adderral just I could function better so I didn't complain as quickly as I did on that. But come 2 pm I was exhausted. My head felt heavy and swirly, I want to sleep but can't sleep, I just wasn't right. However the psychiatrist said that because I was feeling that crash, that meant it was working.

So I have tried very hard to pay attention to before I feel like crap, to see if I can see ANY glimmer of hope that it's working and maybe this crash is just a side effect I have to learn to live with. Well I still bounce my legs constantly, it's like I can't sit still if I want to "focus", I still get on that obsessive rabbit hole where I take forever to finally shake it regardless of the topic, I can get so hyperfocused I lose track of everything around me. And the squirrel moments...oh the squirrel moments. My mind always wants to multitask but not always over things that SHOULD be multitasked. It's like I get this thought and I HAVE to act on that thought.

My therapist tried art therapy for that. She had me sit down and color for 5 minutes and during that 5 minutes I couldn't do ANYTHING but color. If I had the urge to do something that wasn't coloring, I wasn't allowed to. And man that was hard to do. Oh I need a drink of water, wait did I close the door, oh hey look the cat wants to play, I should probably do the dishes, and so on and so on.

So basically there has been 0 change in my supposed ADHD symptoms. If anything the obsessive brain and hyperfocus have gotten worse.

The psychiatrist gave me the option of upping my meds or having an "afternoon" med. I couldn't help but think, why would I want an afternoon med if it's not doing crap for me when it's active? So I chose the increased dosage. But now I'm back to feeling like I did on the adderal. Instead of the crappy feeling starting at 2pm it's all day. I'm just so tired all the time and my head feels off. It's heavy feeling and I feel like my processing time is down. I guess it's helped with the leg bouncing some, I didn't feel like I did that AS much in the week since I've increased it. But this exhaustion I'm feeling...it's nearly impossible to function like this. I wrote to them with my check in that I think I want to try something else. This isn't living. I did fine enough with the fake it til I make it that I'd rather go back to doing that then to feel like this.

But because it's not working my brain has decided this totally means I was misdiagnosed and the meds won't work. So I'm back to taking all of my symptoms (even things I haven't mentioned on here) and comparing them to "clinical" ADHD symptoms and being all "see this isn't matching" yet rationally I know better. Rationally I know no matter what meds I get it's going to take time for them to do much good and none will be a complete fix. I'm going to have to figure how to manage things on my own. Which goes back to my brain and having to constantly fight it.

It really is just so exhausting to always be fighting with yourself. Some of it is likely my need for "instant fix" items and if they don't show improvement I just don't have the patience to wait it out. Sometimes I can remind myself that I HAVE to wait it out, but when I feel this out of it being able to do that is nearly impossible.

Even now I'm like, why am I typing this out? I don't need to share this with people. Nobody needs to know the inner workings of my crazy brain. But again just hoping that maybe if I can do a journal of sorts on here that maybe I can get back to writing again. Feels like the worse my mental health got, the harder it was to do simple things like writing...

Tralala...down the rabbit hole I continue.