Randomness

Are you ever coming back?

So I've gotten a handful of variations of this question since the last time I posted here and I decided since I continue to pop in just to check messages here and there I might as well go ahead and answer. And the answer is...

I don't know. I really don't.

Random ramblings, that nobody probably actually cares about, on the why I still don't know despite all this time having passed coming up now....

So much has gone on since I've taken my wattpad hiatus. COVID was a nightmare, my mental health tanked completely so I got on medication and in therapy, my step mom passed away last year and just a few months ago one of my aunts passed away. The latter really testing my therapy and meds. I also got tested for Autism earlier this year and just recently for ADHD because while I got my depression under control, so many other things have been spiraling out of control and I truly believed it went beyond just the severe anxiety and depression I was diagnosed with.

Apparently I have autistic traits but they don't present in a way they're considered autism, so that's fun LOL. But I did get confirmation I wasn't just being a whiny baby about having to wear a mask during covid, I legit have a sensory issue. So all the years of feeling like I'm choking if a shirt gets too close to my throat, feeling like my seat belt is cutting into my neck if it just barely grazes it, the mask feeling like I'm going to suffocate, finally I at least understand all those weird feelings. So yay for validation.

But still I knew there was more to where my mind is at and it's just gotten worse and worse so I kept pushing for more tests. As much as I'm not a big fan of labels, I knew I needed to figure out what I fell under because my meds and therapy just weren't enough. If I had the label I'd hopefully finally know how to fight my weird urges and thoughts.

I'd sit down to read a book and get up because suddenly I needed to wash my hands. You could tell me something and then a few seconds later I'd forget what you said. I had a training trip for work where I had to go to the corporate offices in Kansas and had a literal squirrel moment. Someone was up talking in front of these amazing glass windows overlooking a pond and a squirrel ran behind them, distracting me. The few times I've actually tried to write when inspiration did manage to strike, you guessed it...I'd suddenly need to do something else. I'd go into a room and leave a light off yet still try to turn the light off when I left, which in turn actually turned the light ON. I couldn't sit still if my life depended on it. I'd either be twirling my fidget rings or bouncing my leg to the point that I was sharing a connected cubicle and my coworker asked me if there was an earthquake. D'oh. Yet at the same time I couldn't focus, I would also get so hyper focused on a project that several hours could pass and I hadn't stood up or gone to the bathroom even once.

Turns out I have inattentive ADHD. So that's fun. It's only been about a week since I got that diagnosis so still waiting to confirm what meds I'll be taking and how they might help me but my hope is it'll settle me enough that maybe I can write again.

When I left on my Wattpad hiatus I was in a bad place. I really was. I got upset about everything. And it got worse before it got better. It's finally better but I still have way farther to go before I can truly say I'm back and not be lying through my teeth because 2 days later I'm gone again.

If nothing else I want to finish the Draygon books. Even if that's the last book I ever write, I want to. But at the same time it's been so long since I've touched them I probably have to re-write them to even remember where I was going with it. Double edge sword or whatever.

So yeah, that's where I've been at. Taking a break has been good for me because I needed help. I really truly did. Hopefully if I can get this ADHD under control my mental ship will be back to being righted. Then again maybe something else happens... there I go, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can feel my therapist rolling her eyes at me right now.

I don't know how many of you are still out there but for the small handful of you who have reached out, I do thank you. It is admittedly nice to know a small fan base is still here if I ever do get my act together enough to write again.

There we go. If you read this far, hooray you get a cookie.

Blue Bunny out. Peace.