My Ghost

No remorse

As I look back on the things I have done, I just can't find any remorse, no matter how hard I dig into my soul for some kind of goodness that might be left of who I was. But there is none. That person is totally gone. There is no goodness, no conscionable being at all. There is nothing. I am just a dark void of emptiness without any feelings, good or bad.

I guess I have been this way the whole time, since that first kill, but it laid dormant for an entire year before returning. Still, it was different. Not a necessity, but an optional treat that I indulged in from time to time. But somehow, this last kill has unleashed a beast that has been biding it's time until it was released.

I make a run to the plaza for some supplies. I know not to buy everything I need at one store because that may look suspicious. I spread out all of my supplies from several different stores at the plaza. I buy a large hunting knife and some rubber boots at the sporting goods store, a hammer and a hand saw at the hardware store, some duct tape and a travel kit at the drug store, and a new set of clothes and shoes at the clothing store.

All of these supplies will be disposed of after I am finish, so this blood lust of mine could begin to be more expensive than what I can afford from my savings.

I've been living off of some life insurance and my husband's social security, since his untimely demise. I find it amusing that I killed him, and yet, I got paid for it. They never found the, in their words, "sadistic monster" who so brutally murdered him.

I had also sold our house and found a small, but nice apartment in the city, just for a new start, to a new life, of a new person. I never even tried to get a job, but now I'm considering the idea. I won't run out of savings very soon, but if I have to keep buying all this stuff for this appitite everytime I go hunt for blood, I'll run out quicker than I had planned.

I have no real education, other than finishing high school. Finding a job may be difficult. I had married right after graduating and my husband wouldn't allow me to go to college, or even have a part time job. I worked at a coffee shop when I was seventeen, maybe I'll try that again. That would be an excellent way of finding possible objects of my affection.

The more I think about it, I find myself against the whole idea. Even as much as I want to work, make money, and scope out victims, it also makes me more noticeable as a person out in society, a face regularly seen and remembered. Maybe I should just lay low for now until I really need the extra money. All I can really focus on right now, anyway, is this desperate hunger inside that is driving me insane.

There's a thought, insanity. I guess that's what I am now. But I'm not checking myself into an institution any time soon. I think I have earned some fun and enjoyment in my life.