Rekindling

Chapter 14 - Double Standards

A loud bang startles me awake.

I am still only half conscious when the sound of angry voices filters through the cotton wool that seems to have wrapped itself around my sluggish brain. All the while, my heart is beating rapidly as the shock of being woken so forcefully sits deep. I blink a few times, trying to get my bearings, but it doesn't help much to slow down my heartbeat.

The room is almost completely dark, the only source of light coming from a small gap between the curtains in front of the window. It is then that I notice that I am in my own room, back at our home. In the confusion due to being ripped from sleep, I believed for a brief moment that I was still on vacation, in the cabin. I think I was there in my dream just seconds ago.

But with the realization that this is my room, everything that happened in the past few days comes rushing back like a tsunami, leaving me gasping for air.

Today is Sam's memorial.

Now that my brain is fully awake, thanks to this incredibly sad thought, I wonder how I managed to fall asleep in the first place. I remember struggling to close my eyes when I went to bed because whenever I do that, these very painful images of Sam's accident instantly start haunting me. This has become a pattern during the past week, ever since the unspeakable happened, and I can't seem to get rid of them, no matter how hard I try.

That's why Sean found me still wide awake when he came to check on me shortly before midnight – he was the third person to do that in the span of less than two hours – so he offered to lie down next to me until I fell asleep. Not surprisingly, he succumbed to exhaustion way before I did.

The past couple of days have taken a toll on all my siblings and I am well aware how much effort particularly Sean is putting into keeping this family together during these challenging times.

I remember how his regular breathing had a very calming effect on me when I rested my head on his chest, which was rhythmically moving up and down as he slept. It clearly worked, because I must have drifted off to sleep at some point, too.

Instinctively, my hand reaches out to pat the space next to me, trying to find said brother. The spot is empty, which I should have expected.

I don't have a very big bed and if there were a person lying beside me, I'd know. Also, Sean tends to keep his arm wrapped around me. He becomes very cuddly in his sleep, which I find irritating most of the time because it feels a bit claustrophobic. At least he doesn't hog the blankets, like Jordan does.

I feel slightly upset that Sean left. I know that he said he'd only stay here until I fell asleep, and not that he would spend the night in my room, but I still don't really understand why he didn't stay. Being alone is something that I have not been very good at recently.

My brain likes the distraction of another person's presence, if only to keep it from going in circles and to all the dark places that have been taking up a lot of space in my mind. Mostly involving heartbreaking, painful memories.

Before I can dwell on this any further, the commotion that woke me in the first place suddenly resumes. It must be coming from outside, from the front of our house. I glance at the glowing digits of my alarm clock on the bedside table. It displays that it is 2:47am.

Who is outside so early in the morning?

My room overlooks the driveway and the window has been left slightly ajar to allow a fresh breeze to come in, which was supposed to help me settle down, according to Ben, who was the second person to check on me last night only to find me still awake. He claimed that fresh air works like magic when it comes to falling asleep.