flower. || L.S

8. co-comparison is killing me slowly

Louis's pov

i wake up have a shower get dressed go to the dining cabin to eat breakfast catch up with freddie and harry yk the usual today's activity is a fun little trivia game! i'm excited

"okay so how we're gonna play each team consist of parents and kids. we're gonna ask you both the same questions and you'll have to write down the answer according to your parent/kid for example i will ask you what's your teammates favorite color you're gonna write that down and also you're gonna write your own answer so no cheating can occur and if you get it right you get a point! if you don't that's okay! do we all understand" harry finishes and we all nod he nods and the game starts

"first question! who is your teammate's favorite celebrity!" i giggle softly and write down my answer.

"lou and fred show us your answers" i flip my board around and so does freddie.

mine says 'ashton irwin' because freddie really likes 5sos. he is truly my son my answer is florence pugh because she's my favorite actress he giggles loudly "you got it right daddy!"

i look over to his board and it has "chris pine (tree)" that's brianas favorite celebrity

"babe that's your mums favorite not mine" he shrugs "oops!" i frown slightly god i hate the jealousy i feel towards this i'm horrible person.

"that's okay! you'll get them next time!" harry says cheerfully

freddie gets it wrong again. and again. and again. meanwhile i know everything about this kid and i get them all fucking right. i need a smoke i need a smoke so fucking bad.

"and that concludes our activity for today! as always there is soap carving and many more things to do!" he smiles and i walk over to that weird guy that was flirting with me before

"hey." i say and he smirks "hello beautiful." he says in a 'sexy' way but i just threw up in my mouth anyways

i play with the strings of his oddly tight hoodie. and NO freddie can't see me he's too busy playing with marcie. "you got me beer. can you sneak in a pack of cigarettes." i say seductively yes i'm using his attraction to me for my own good. or not really my own good.

i know i shouldn't i've been going without cigs for a while now freddie doesn't like it when i smoke but i just- it's been so fucking hard lately i just need a stress reliever.

"i-i don't smoke" he stutters as i'm only mere inches away from his face and i sigh letting go of him "but! but! i can go buy some from the corner store near by and sneak them in if you want." i smirk

"meet me near the flower field sexy." i wink and he practically runs off "oi freddie?!" i shout and he looks to me "yeah dad?!"

"i'm gonna go to the flower field for a minute i need some alone time you'll be okay?" he nods and gives me a thumbs up i walk to the flower field and sit down on one of the logs

should i do this? i promised freddie i wouldn't. why am i like this? i'm jealous because my son loves his mother more than me. what kind of person am i? i feel horrible now instead of being a grown reasonable adult and actually trying to get my child to like me and know shit about me i'm being a childish fuck who hides in the woods to smoke cigarettes when he promised he wouldn't to HIS SON THAT HES TRYING TO- oh my fucking god what am i doing

"what are you doing?" i hear harry's voice it snaps me from my thoughts. and i don't notice but i've been scratching my thighs horribly they've started bleeding. i feel my eyes burn and my face being wet with tears. fuck me i feel like i'm 15 again.