An introvert reader. An online writer. A nostalgic short story.
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An introvert fanboy develops a crush to his favorite online writer, who doesn't even know his existence. Instead of following her on her social media accounts, sending her long swee...
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Dear Calliope,
I thought today would be my last chance but everything got ruined because of my twisted mind and this thing called lack of self-confidence.
Paano kasi, natatameme ako sa tuwing binabalak kong lapitan at kausapin ka. It’s been an hour simula nang dumating tayo sa night market. It turned out na magmi-meet din pala kayo ni hersaint together with your co-writers. Mas lalo pang nadagdagan ang hiya at kaba sa dibdib ko. Putik lang, ang pasma pa ng kamay ko!
Seeing a bunch of writers and being with them in one place was probably the biggest dream for an ultimate fan reader. But there is always be an exemption. Tulad ko. Sabihin mo nang abnormal ako or choosy or what. Ewan ko pero ikaw lang talaga ‘tong gusto kong ma-meet in person.
Anong meron sa’yo na wala sa iba?
Anong meron sa’yo at ganito na lang ako kung umasta?
Anong meron sa’yo at pilit kitang gustong makilala?
“Huy, ayos ka lang ba?” pag-aalala ni Ate. “Hindi ka na dapat sumama pa. Dapat kasi nagpaiwan ka na lang sa bahay. Alam mo naman na bawal ka sa mga street food, sumama ka pa rin.”
“Eh sa gusto ko siyang makita,” I mumbled, my eyes still locked on you.
Narinig ko na lang na nagpakawala ng buntong-hininga si Ate. Madalas, thankful din ako sa kanya dahil halos alam niya lahat ng gusto ko at mga bawal sa akin. She’s always supporting my demands and hearing my side, too. Honestly, I am so blessed to have her.
“Ah, basta, huwag kang kakainin ng kahit anong pagkain dito kung ‘di malilintikan ka talaga sa akin,” huling habilin niya bago niya ako iwan sa pwesto ko.
I was just sitting here alone at the right side of this road. Buti na lang at nahanap ko agad ang bakanteng upuan na ‘to dahil halos lahat ng bench dito ay occupied na.
I decided na dito na lang ako dahil baka ma-attempt pa akong kumain o ‘di kaya ay may mag-alok sa akin. Ako pa naman ‘yong taong hindi tumatanggi sa libre. At ayoko ring isipin ng iba na choosy ako. Sadyang may mga bagay lang talaga na bawal ipilit.
Like you and the distance between us. You’re laughing with their silly jokes while eating street foods. Habang ako, nandito sa dulo. Umaasang mapapansin mo. But seeing you from a distance was already enough for me. Little by little, you are finally becoming a fictional character in my own imagination. Nag-e-exist ka nga ngayon sa harap ko pero hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan.
Kailan kaya ulit tayo magkikita? Next week? Sa susunod ba na buwan? O baka naman sa unang book signing mo?
Or maybe, this would be the last?
Mali. Ako lang pala ‘tong gusto kang makita. Ako lang ‘tong nangangarap na mapansin mo. Pero para saan nga ba? Bakit ba? Marahil gusto ko lang malaman ‘yong mga sagot sa tanong ko? O baka naman may gustong ipahiwatig ang tadhana?
Or maybe, all these things were just merely a coincidence.
Or worst, an illusion. My own illusion.
What if this coincidence would be the perfect chance to talk to you? Without a second thought, I stood up and getting myself ready to walk closer to you. But when I was about to step forward, my phone suddenly rang.
Mom was calling.
“Hello, Ma,” I spoke as soon as I answered the call.
Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako dahil tumawag si Mama para kamustahin kami o maiinis dahil biglang nawala na ‘yong confidence na naipon ko kanina? Akala ko sa drama lang nangyayari ang mga biglaang phone call sa climax ng story. Nangyayari rin pala in reality.
Hinanap ko agad si Ate dahil hindi raw siya ma-contact ni Mama at nag-aalala ito. Dahil medyo marami ang tao rito ay nakipagsiksikan pa ako sa kanila. Buti na lang at mas matangkad ako ng konte sa mga taong nandito. Mostly, high school and college students.
At tulad ng mga nangyayari sa drama, sa gitna ng maraming tao, biglang nadulas ang phone ko mula sa kamay ko dahilan para mahulog ito. Buti na lang at hindi ito nahulog sa kalsada kung ‘di sa ulo ng taong nasa harap ko. Pero imbes na magalit siya, a familiar look came into view.
“Dong?”
It was Ellie.
No, it was not you. It was the Ellie I have mentioned on my previous journal entries. Sana nga, ikaw na lang sana.
“Uy, anong ginagawa mo rito?” I asked and forced a smile.
Binalik naman niya sa akin ang phone ko at humingi naman ako ng pasensya dahil nahulog ‘yong phone ko sa ulo niya.
According to her, dito na sila nakatira at dito na rin siya nag-aaral ng college. Second year college na rin siya tulad ko since sabay nga kaming gumraduate ng high school. Nagkamustahan lang kami at nakwento rin niyang wala na raw sila ni Joshua, my former best friend in case you have forgotten.
What she did next when we’re about to bid our farewell made me froze for a couple of seconds.
She hugged me.
“I missed you,” she muttered, or did I just mishear it? Or maybe, those were the words I wanted to hear from her the moment I saw her right there?
“Bro, nandito ka lang pala. Kanina pa t-tumatawag s-si . . . ” Ate’s voice trailed off after realizing what was happening there.
“Ah, sorry. Sige, alis na muna ako.”
Speechless and frozen, I said and did nothing. I just saw and let her walked away from where I was standing. She just walked away from me. Again.
I wanted to run after her and ask what she meant for that tight hug, but I was afraid. Gusto ko ring itanong sa kanya kung para saan ang mga salitang ‘yon. She missed me? Why she did that?
“You’re okay?”
Then there you were, standing at few distance in front of me, asking if I was fine. Hindi ko napansin ang biglang pagdating mo. At kung bakit nandito ka instead na magsaya kasama ang co-writers mo. But what you have said next jarred me back to my reality.
“A tight hug is, sometimes, the best way of saying goodbye.”
Almost two years ago, I left without saying goodbye to her. But now that we’ve finally met again, she left, leaving me with those unfamiliar words.
