faces of moon: mother

Chapter 4: Grief and Connection

Song: Kodaline- "All I want" live performance

Coley's POV: 26 years ago, night of the funeral

I ran through the forest toward my cabin. I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing, but I needed to be alone. I didn't belong in the pack. They made that perfectly clear. I didn't want to grieve with strangers. 

The new moon left me feeling wanting, as if Luna turned her back on me. She took my mother and left. Unless, she was just a hunk of rock up there in the sky. And my mother was just gone. Her ashes will blow away in the wind. Her bones will be buried with the pack's dead on Shadow Hill tomorrow. The unwanted human Luna buried with the ones who secretly hated her.

I sobbed inside, as my wolf let out a haunting howl. The forest here was quiet, save for the light sound of my heavy paws on the forest floor as I ran. The animals were quiet in the wake of my howls. It was me and my grief here under the trees. The rest of the pack had run to the east. 

Tomorrow morning, when the light of day touched the pile of ashes, mates of the Elders and council members would gather her bones. Some of the wolves, who work in landscaping and construction type jobs around the pack, would bury her bones with the rest of the dead on Shadow Hill. 

Shadow Hill was the hill that overlooked the pack village from the north. From the summit of the hill, all the land spreading out in all directions belonged to Shadow Moon Pack. The Elders used to tell the pups during bonfire nights stories about the dead watching over the pack from up there. I used to listen in from my bedroom. I'm not sure if I believe that either.

I'm not sure how, but I ended up back in my cabin back in my skin. My human form weak from grief, hunger, and thirst. I walked across the floor in front of the fireplace resuming my pacing from before the funeral. I looked up at the floor-to-ceiling window, designed to let in natural light, but all I saw was darkness and my silhouette reflected. The tiny green light from the microwave emitted enough light to make the shape of my body visible in the darkness.

I watched her. A stranger staring back at me. I had changed so much lately. I hardly recognized myself. I looked feral. Black circles under my eyes showed how exhausted I was. My braids were falling out, leaves had made their way back into my hair somehow. My eyes were puffy and red. My skin looked taller and lankier than I remember, almost too skinny. I've neglected this side of myself. 

A movement outside caught my attention. My eyes changed from grey to an electric blue that glowed in my reflection.

A golden wolf stepped out of the underbrush of the tree line. His golden eyes shone bright against the backdrop of pitch black trees, as they swept across the yard and met mine through the glass. The Beta's son stood still holding my gaze, before I felt the prodding of his psyche reaching out through the mindlink. I wasn't used to intrusion, but I allowed him access. I appreciated the request over barging into my mind and space unannounced, although he technically was not invited here.

Mind if I keep you company? Its not safe to be alone right now. He said through the mindlink. I like space. It was all I could manage to explain. Can I sit out here then? I know what it is to grieve alone, and I don't intend on letting you go through it either. I closed my eyes holding back tears. You can stay out there. Don't come any closer. His wolf nodded at me in response and laid down on the ground, his head on his paws.

I decided to ignore him. I tried to resume my pacing, but the staring wolf altered the flow of my thoughts. I looked down at my body. My feet were covered in black dirt. My legs were covered in bruises and scratches from my hike I took the day I found out my mother died. I ran my fingers through my hair, but they got stuck in the braids. I sat down on the rug and attempted to take out the braids.