faces of moon: mother

Chapter 5: Winter Blues

WARNING: Graphic descriptions of animals being hunted and killed.

Song: Meg Myers "Numb"

Coley's POV: 26 years ago, almost 3 months since her mom's funeral

Grief is a process. It goes in cycles like the seasons. Except the cycles don't always make sense or follow a strict pattern as the weather does. 

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Those are the Five Stages of Grief, or so I've read. I cycled through them like a chaotic storm and landed on numb. Not something I had read about in my books. 

I hadn't cried in weeks. My brain wouldn't turn off though. It replaced emotion with thought. Like my heart was frozen and my brain was overworked chaos.  

Winter had come for us.

Snow drifts were packed against the side of my cabin and the edges of the trees. The windows had ice crystals on the inside corners and snow drifts covered the bottom half. My fireplace was dark and empty. I had enough wood stacked on the porch to build a fire. I just preferred the cold. 

My mother liked this fireplace. She would curl up on the chair in front of the crackling fire and drink a cup of hot cocoa. She loved to watch the snow fall from these windows or read a book. She said it was like being in the snow without having to feel the cold. I would curl up in my fur at her feet or go for a run outside. She liked to watch my wolf play in the snow. Then we would watch a movie or read a book together. I used to love to read with her. 

Now my books sat covered in a thick layer of dust. I couldn't bear to touch them. 

My cabin had central heat and air. I liked to keep it around 55-60*F. Mostly to prevent things from freezing up. If I could, I wouldn't have it on at all, but I didn't want to deal with a repair man in my space. I only kept it warmer for my mother's comfort when she was here. 

Now there was no reason to light the fire. Like I said, I preferred it cold.  

Winter was typically my favorite season. I enjoyed the solitude winter brought. Less travelers moved through the river, and the woods were quieter. There were less opportunities for awkward interactions with others as they made their way through the pack lands and woods around my cabin. They were technically forbidden by the Alpha to bother me, but sometimes they got lost out here, especially the younger ones. 

That's one thing I would change if I were to become Alpha, Samara. The young ones would know the entire territory by heart. They cannot defend what they don't know and love. No, No. I can't think like that. The way things are, I will probably be cast out when Alpha dies. I thought. If they don't kill me first. 

Samara was slow to respond.  Do not underestimate yourself Coley. You will have that opportunity someday. I ignored her. We both knew that wouldn't happen. 

I opened the kitchen cabinets and fridge looking for something to snack on. My skin had been neglected for too long. Growing weak from lack of nourishment would help no one. My cabinets were mostly bare. Game was becoming more scarce with the snows. I would need to make a trip to the village for supplies. My mother used to do those trips for me, but now I would have to do it myself. Alpha couldn't be bothered to provide for his one and only heir. 

I went to the closet at the end of the hall and opened the secret bunker door that was hidden within the floor boards. I climbed down into the bunker and flipped on the light. There was some canned meat and vegetables, MREs, dehydrated fruits, and water bottles for emergencies on the shelves. I didn't want to dip into that just yet. I climbed back up the ladder and shut the door.