The Mistake of Non-Existent Love | ✍🏼

25. Asking 'The' Question

| Ellery Cohen |

Miles had just dressed me, and he was now having a shower. He had told me to go out and find one of the boys to sit with, until he was ready. But, I couldn't do that. I had stayed put, on the bed, not daring to move an inch, as I just continued to twiddle my thumbs. 

I was afraid of the words that I wanted to spill. I wanted to ask it so badly, but I didn't want to know what would come out of it. I wanted Miles to stay happy, I didn't want to ruin anything like I always had. I had always seen how mommy would smile at the men she would bring over, but as soon as she saw me, sitting at the top step in the cold, because Miss Sarah had to leave for work, her smile would go away. 

It always did. I always felt bad, but then she would always tell me to run and hide away, before she was back to doing what she did best: forgetting about me. I always her second thought, and nothing more than that. 

"Ells, what's up?" Miles had come out of the bathroom, and he now had just a towel wrapped around him, and I just continued to sit there, moving my thumbs back and forth, as I bit down on my lip. I didn't want to say anything, but I felt like saying something. Something was always better than nothing. 

Same when mommy would be nice to me, then mean. She was giving me something of her, rather than nothing. "Can I ask you a question?" I spoke quietly, not wanting to disturb anything around us. I liked how everything was, and I didn't want anything to change by just saying a few words. That was the power I thought I had. 

"Yes, of course" and with that, he was moving around the room, getting dressed, but I never once took my eyes off the floor in front of my feet, which had started to move back and forth, from not being able to touch the ground in front of me. I hated being so short some times, like right now. Always having to jump off things to reach the ground. 

I was really scared, now that Miles was down on my level, as he had come to a stop after he had put his jeans on. His good jeans, he would tell me. The only ones he wore out when we were going to a dinner, but not his ones that he wore to the rink. Asking this question felt wrong, as we would be going out to a dinner, and I didn't want to make him angry. 

I always made mommy angry whenever I asked her something, like where we were going. "You can ask me Ells. There's no need to be scared, I won't get angry" but I knew the he would get angry. He should get angry at me for asking this. I took a deep breath in, then let it go. I took in another, and I think he knew that I was just trying to buy myself some time. 

"Are you my daddy?" as soon as I had let the second breath out, I blurted the words out. I just let it all go, and the look on Miles face made me want to run and hide behind my pillows. I knew that I never should have asked him. So, I did just that. I rolled to the side and then ran under his arm, and he didn't stop me. He didn't grab me like he usually did. 

I ran out of the room, a few tears sitting on my cheeks. I should have known that he wasn't my daddy. As soon as I flew out of the room, someone was already there to pick me up into their arms, blowing a raspberry, but I didn't want it. I didn't giggle like I knew I would have, as I was so upset with the response that Miles had given me. 

There were no words there, but the action he did was enough. It was what he didn't do, that explained everything. "Ells, what's up?" right as I was asked that question, I happened to turn my head to see Miles in the doorway of the bedroom, looking at me. He looked at me for so long that the room had gone silent. 

"Ellery, the answer to your question is yes. Yes I am your daddy" and with that, I couldn't have been happier. The tears fell freely down my cheeks as no one made a move but Miles who came and pulled me into his chest, as I cried and cried. I had never had a daddy, and now I did. 

I felt like all those little girls that I had seen run to their daddies, and now I had one. I could run and hug him whenever I wanted. I had someone that could look after me, that wasn't just myself and the occasional few times I went to Miss Sarah. This wasn't someone that looked away from me then drove me all the way to be here with Miles. 

Miles was my daddy. 

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Sitting in Miles lap, I could feel the tiredness start to hit me during the dinner, but I didn't want to fall asleep. I had been promised ice-cream by the boys, and that was all that I wanted. Even as Daddy, which felt weird to say, made me eat my veggies. I hate veggies. 

He would always be Miles, but daddy was something new. I had never had a daddy. Once, a man had tried to tell me that he was my daddy, and my mommy had also forced it onto me, but I wasn't buying it. I hated him, and he eventually hated me, and apparently that was why he had left. He had left because he hadn't liked me, and so that meant he didn't like my mommy. 

I wonder, if Miles was married to my mommy. I didn't know what marriage and that meant, but usually when you had a daddy, you had a mommy, and they loved one another. I had always heard the word love, being thrown around, but I never really knew what it meant. I knew that I loved Miles, but he was my daddy.

"Can I take Ellery on a walk?" someone asked, making me realize that my eyes had closed, and I perked up at the sound of my name. I looked up at daddy, and he looked down at me, before nodding to the person. I was then picked up, and sat on a lap, as I immediately wrapped my arms around the person neck. 

I knew, from the feeling of his hands, that we hadn't spent much time together. Mark and I had been at this stage at one point, but this person, this person was someone that I had been around since day one, and he had always been on the outer. Carter, from what daddy, had told me, was that he had saved him. Carter had saved my daddy. 

"What ya thinkin' about?" he joked, causing me to giggle, as he  pulled my jacket tighter around my body, causing me to giggle. "You" I then reached up with my glove covered hand and poked his nose, causing him to chuckle even more. He smiled down at me, as he swung around a little, as I giggled even more. 

"Why are you thinkin' about me?" his accent was a little funny, making me laugh a little more. I don't know why I hadn't spent time with Carter as much as I had the others. He was no Rutger or Ethan, but he was close enough. He was maybe even better than them, as some times they never sat still or we would watch movies all the time. 

For some reason, this was better than sitting around and watching movies, as much as I loved them. We walked into a store, away from the cold, as Carter moved around, but he pulled me closer to him, but this time let me ponder on why I was thinking about him. He was talking to someone, and then he reached behind him and grabbed his wallet, confusing me, before we were walking back out of the store. 

"Cause you never spend time with me. You saved daddy, or so he says" I spoke, looking back up to the restaurant, as Carter just laughed a little. "I guess I did save your daddy, but he saved me too, in some way. But, maybe I should hang around more often then, by the sounds of it" he laughed, and we walked back in together, in fits of giggles and laughs. 

I couldn't believe that I had found my daddy, here, all along. 

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