UNLIKELY MATCH | HEESEUNG

39 - Temporary Placeholder

SENA'S POV

"You're not telling me something." I'm back in my apartment, sitting on my bed while trying to figure out what my schedule needs to look like. I look for the events scheduled for the next month, the deadlines I need to meet, and the places I need to visit. There's so much work, so much content I need to create and it all just makes me feel overwhelmed. My mind keeps drifting to my family, to my life, to Haruka, to everything slowly apart. Steph is sitting across from me, worry written all over her face. 

I'm not telling her a lot of things. I'm not telling her that my mother isn't my real mother. I'm not telling her that she tried killing me by pushing me into a lake. I'm not telling her that I'm leaving for Japan in a matter of days. I'm not telling her a lot of things and I don't even know how I can tell her. 

"I'm sorry, Steph," I run my fingers through my hair and let out a long, heavy sigh. I'm on the edge, I'm a droplet away from breaking down completely. "I know I've been distant lately. There's just... so much going on."

"Senny, you know I've been here for you almost your whole life. You're not about to brush me off now, are you?" 

I shake my head, feeling a lump forming in my throat. "No, of course not. It's just... hard to talk about." She doesn't say anything but her eyebrows furrow and she stares at me, urging me to say something. Anything hard to talk about will become even harder to bear if I keep it bottled up inside. That's what she always said and I take a deep breath, preparing myself to spill the truth, or at least a portion of it. "I'm leaving for Japan soon," I finally confess, watching as her expression shifts from concern to surprise. "Heeseung has a race there and he wants me to come with him."

There's no need to tell her about my past. There's no need to tell her about how I've been lied to my whole life, how my own father hates me with every fiber of his being, how my mother's betrayal still haunts me. No, those are burdens I'll carry on my own, locked away in the deepest corners of my heart where they can't hurt anyone else.

"Wow," Steph breathes out, though I can see a flicker of confusion in her eyes. "I mean, it's great news but is that why you're stressed out? Are you worried about it?" I would be lying if I said I'm not worried. I am. I am stressing over what might happen when I leave with him. I don't know if I'll be able to handle being so far away from everything familiar, from Steph, from the comfort of routine. But more than that, I'm anxious about what might unravel during this trip. There's a part of me that's hopeful, that sees this as an opportunity for a fresh start, away from the shadows of my past. Yet, there's another part, a nagging voice in the back of my mind, that tells me I should be wary, that the past has a way of catching up when you least expect it.

"I'm just... unsure about a lot of things. I also don't want to leave you behind." I try to smile a little, making her scoff before she stands up and walks to me. Steph had always been someone I could rely on no matter what. She's seen me through my darkest moments, stood by me through thick and thin, and the thought of leaving her behind fills me with emptiness. But I guess she doesn't want me to feel this way. 

"Girl, you'll go and have fun with your fake fiancé and I'll stay here along with Taeho and have fun in our own, boring way." I watch as she chuckles and cups my face, making me smile despite the heaviness in my heart. "And besides, you know I'll be just a phone call away. You better keep me updated on everything, okay?" I think of Taeho, her brother, and how the two could spend their time bonding and making memories while I'm away. It eases some of the guilt I feel about leaving her behind, knowing that she won't be alone and that they'll have each other's company.

"I promise," Giving her the best smile I can muster, I nod earnestly. There are so many things I'd like to do with Heeseung, so many places I'd like to see with him, but right now, all I can think of is what I heard in the hospital the last time we visited Haruka. All I can think of is the fact that Heeseung decided it was better to lie to me, to tell me Haruka was his friend when she was the first love he couldn't forget about. I still remember when we first started this whole fake arrangement, when he barely talked about his relationships and said it didn't work out. Haruka is the missing piece of the puzzle, the one I didn't know existed until now. And knowing that Heeseung kept this from me leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.  

My mind is a mess when I find myself standing at the door of the room where Haruka is staying. Doctors, nurses, and patients with their families pass by, but I feel detached from it all. Taking a deep breath, I push open the door and step inside the room to find her sitting on the bed in her hospital gown. When she sees me, her eyes betray the surprise she tries to hide with a hesitant smile. "Sena? I didn't expect you to be here." 

"Yeah," I force a smile, though it feels strained on my lips. Why am I even here? But I know. I know why I'm here. "How are you feeling?" 

"A little scared, but I'm fine. The doctors are doing their job." Her gaze drops to her hands clasped in her lap, a sigh escaping her lips. "Uhm, Heeseung didn't with you this time?" I'm staring at her, really staring, at the way her eyes are filled with pain and longing, at the way Heeseun's name sounds so heavy on her lips. 

"He's... busy," I finally manage to say, though the words taste bitter on my tongue. It's a half-truth, a feeble attempt to shield both Haruka and myself from the painful reality of our intertwined pasts. But even as I speak the words, I know they ring hollow, a hollow echo of the deception that has come to define our relationship. "You must care about him a lot." Before I even realize it, the words blurt out and I'm standing there like a damn fool. When she looks back at me, I know she knows. I know she's smart enough to read between my clumsy words.

"Sena," Her smile fades, replaced by a somber expression. "Heeseung and I were... together." Her words are not so surprising, I've already gathered as much from the subtle hints and the way they stared at each other, yet, hearing it confirmed aloud feels like a punch to the gut. It's like the floor has dropped out from beneath me, leaving me frozen in mid-air, trying to find something to hold onto. And Gosh, there is nothing. "I know you two are in a fake arrangement because of your father. Heeseung told me about it when we talked." Her voice is gentle, yet it cuts through me like a knife.

"Ah," Is all I manage to muster, a hollow sound escaping my lips. The fact that Heeseung decided to tell her that our arrangement was fake fills me with dread and uncertainty. It's a betrayal on multiple levels, a breach of trust that cuts deeper than I ever thought possible. I had hoped that Heeseung would tell her about how much he loves me and about how he wishes to travel with me and spend every minute of his life with me. I had hoped and hoped, but I was wrong. 

"We were young and I think Heeseung was afraid of hurting my feelings so he decided we end our relationship because eventually, we would just end up hurting each other," Her words hit me like a bucket of ice-cold water, jolting me out of my soul-wrenching thoughts. "He even wanted to propose to me before racing took most of his time and we barely could spend time with each other. We loved each other so much and Sena... I still love him. I'm sorry for saying this, but I don't even know if I still have enough time to spend it regretting not standing up for Heeseung and I. And right now, I want us to go back to how things were. I want to be with Heeseung." 

But the pain that grips my heart, the ache that spreads through every fiber of my being is what makes the tears betray me and fall down my cheeks right when I step out of the room and gasp for air. The pain of knowing that the ring I thought Heeseung was going to propose to me with was meant for someone else, the pain of realizing that I might be losing him to his past, to a love that still lingers in the air between them. 

I'm nothing but a hollow shell, standing there in the dimly lit corridor, my heart shattered into a million irreparable pieces. I can't compete with Haruka, she's too deeply rooted in his heart and if he still cannot let go of the ring that was meant for her, then perhaps I'm nothing more than what he sees me as—a temporary placeholder in his life until he inevitably returns to where he truly belongs.