Wish I Was Better

IX

Guilt isn't a nice feeling, especially when you're the reason why your ex-girlfriend broke up with her now ex-boyfriend.

Vivienne came up to me after school, even though I'd spent most of the day silent and away from the others. It didn't faze them; I was always more of a lone person than a social butterfly and I needed my time. This time, that wasn't the reason, but I could act like it was.

Vivienne was out of breath as she grabbed my arm, pulling me aside and away from the rush of students leaving the school. "Hey. How come we haven't seen you around?"

I shrugged. I resented her for this - for all of this. For whatever changed between me and Rowan, for whatever happened with Brody, for everything.

"Atlas. Don't give me the silent treatment." She glared up at me, but I was a good few inches taller than her. She didn't scare me.

"You knew it would happen. You wanted it to happen."

She looked lost. "What?"

"Rowan and Brody breaking up. You knew."

She had the decency to look apologetic. "Yeah, I did. At least, I'd hoped they would. I knew that seeing you would make her question her relationship with Brody - and it seemed you managed to get Brody questioning it too - and just like that, they broke up and she's ok now. They ended on good terms. I don't see the big deal."

My body bristled with anger. The big deal? She just used me to manipulate her best friend out of a relationship. "You used me to break them apart. That's sick."

She looked taken aback. "No. That's not what I did. Atlas, I just wanted to show her that she was better off without him - for her to be happy. I didn't have any ulterior motive."

"Then why me? So you could make her remember what we used to have? So that she'd get her hopes up - so that I'd get my hopes up too - and we'd end up longing for a connection that doesn't exist anymore? Vivienne, I don't know why you dragged me into this, but it hurts me too. I'm a human too. You're doing this so Rowan can be happy, but what about me? You've forced me into a life I left behind a whole year ago. I left them, Viv. I left, with no intention of ever coming back. It's not fair. I don't know why I even said yes to you in the first place. I should've just stayed quiet and said no."

She looked at me with curious eyes. "But you like them. All of them. All of us. You miss us. So why are you angry?"

Why was I angry?

She was right; I gained a lot by saying yes to her. I had moved on. I let go of the past. I reconnected with some of my closest friends. I even hung out with them after noticing how much of a hermit I'd been.

I'd also been manipulated into breaking them up.

"You used me. You messed things up."

She didn't respond. For a long while, she stood there staring at me, like she was analysing my every movement.

"Who do you like?"

"What?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Fess up. I've known you my whole life and you've never been mad unless it's got to do with your feelings."

"What?!" I gaped. "Anger is a feeling!"

"You know that's not what I meant. There's a reason this is getting on your nerves, and it's because you like someone."

"How did you even come to that conclusion? Maybe I'm just mad that you used me."

She fixed me with a hard look. "Atlas, if you were truly mad about that, you and I both know you wouldn't be standing here and listening to me."