Castles crumbling (Taylor Swift's little sister)

Chapter 34

A week had gone by, and you were remarkably depressed. Your mom and Taylor were visiting daily but were really worried about it. Andrea spoke with Erin and Lou, and they scheduled a surprise visit to the hospital: she picked them up at the middle of the school day and was going to bring them over to you. You were silently painting with Taylor when they showed up, they were aghast at how bad you looked.

- "I've got a surprise for you" your mom said hoping it would cheer you up.

You put down the paintbrush and looked up to the door.

- "Hey Lizzie!" Erin and Lou said slowly approaching to your bed to hug you.

- "Hi guys!" You said grinning, you were so happy to see them.

- "How are you doing?" Lou asked handing you a flower bouquet they brought you.

- "Thank you so much! They're lovely" referring to the flowers - "Well, as you may see, I'm stuck in here; it's awful" you replied.

Erin handed you a huge bracelet beads kit they gifted you so you could distract yourself while in hospital. They stayed the whole afternoon with you, until visiting hours were over. You spent the whole-time making friendship bracelets with them until it was time for them to leave. They promised to be back next week, and you promised to do your best to be back to school as soon as possible. It was very emotional, and in fact, it cheered and brightened you up.

However, once everyone left you felt extremely empty and alone. You could only have your phone from 8am-6pm but could not use it at meals. You decided to FaceTime Taylor, but worried she would be too busy or tired of you to answer. She accepted the call after a few seconds.

- "Hey Liz! Are you okay?"

- "Hey Tay. Yeah!" You hesitated for a second and then added - "I'm feeling lonely. It was great seeing my friends, but now that I'm all by myself again I feel empty" your voice broke in the last sentence.

- "I'm so sorry, baby. We can talk until they take your phone away, how does that sound?"

You gratefully accepted and started to talk with Tay about her days lately. She told you about the last songs she was working on and some interviews she had to do in the following days, she also told you she asked Tree to scheduled them for before 10am, or after 4pm, so they didn't interfere with your visiting hours. That hit you and even though you did your best to blink the tears back, you started to cry.

- "What happened? Is it something I said?" Taylor asked.

- "Nothing. It's just... I hate that you have to move your life around because of me...Because I'm here" you said crying softly.

- "It's not a big deal. You know I'll do anything for you. I enjoy visiting you and spending time with you. It's no sacrifice at all" Taylor said calming you down.

- "I don't want to be here anymore. But it's so difficult, I just feel so full and scared all the time and when I feel full, I feel fat" you added.

- "It's normal. Your body is not used to have something in its stomach, it will take time, but it will settle. Remember that fat is not a feeling, though" Taylor claimed.

- "Doctors said I can't rely only on the NG tube, that I need to start eating again, because since I got the tube, I haven't eaten anything on my own. But now that's scary too. I know I cannot lean on the feeding tube forever, but it's just too much."

- "Do you think you can try to eat a bit of your dinner tonight?" Taylor questioned.

- "I can try..." You replied.

- "Okay! That's great! It's a process, baby. Healing is not linear, remember that" Taylor said.

You chatted with Taylor until a nurse came and said your phone time was over. Talking with Taylor actually made you feel better and less anxious. The same nurse brought you your dinner and you were determined to try to eat something but overheard two nurses saying that the doctors were thinking of adding a nocturnal feed too. You panicked and pushed the food away, you got too scared to even try. You couldn't text Taylor, so you just cried yourself to sleep alone.

At the next day you had puffy and swollen eyes from crying, you showered and went back to sleep. You felt so overwhelmed and defeated by your mind. At 10 Taylor and your mom were so confused when they came to visit and saw you still asleep. The nurse told them you had a rough night and cried the whole night. They let you sleep for about another hour and then finally decided to wake you up.

- "Hey sweetie" Andrea said stroking gently your shoulder.

You opened your eyes slowly and gave her a little smile: - "Hi mom."

- "How are you?" Taylor asked.

You unhurriedly sat up and Taylor helped you to adjust the pillows so you could be comfier.

- "I tried to eat Tay, but I heard some nurses talking about that Dr. Khan was probably adding a nocturnal feed to "help" with the weight gain and I panicked. I just couldn't do it. I'm sorry" you said weeping.

- "It's fine baby. They shouldn't be discussing your treatment details around you. They should be more careful and not reveal this kind of information, because it's information that your doctor should discuss with you, not them. There's nothing to be sorry about" Taylor said cleaning your tears.

You painted for a while and made bracelets with the kit your friends brought you with your mom and Taylor. Your mom went looking for Dr. Khan to ask her some questions at about 11:30am and left you with your sister. Taylor noticed you were looking at your morning snack, lying in the table: an oatmeal and raisins cookie, a banana and a cup of coffee with milk.

- "You can do it" she said encouraging you.

- "I really want to, but I'm really scared, Tay" you replied.

- "We can do it together. I'll ask the nurse if she can bring us another cookie. We'll do it together" Taylor said and went looking for the nurse.

You nodded but deep down you wanted the nurse to tell her there were no more cookies. You didn't want to overcome that fear right now. But Taylor came back a few minutes later with a plate and the cookie.

You asked Taylor to get a napkin, just to clean yourself after touching the cookie. Touching food was a huge fear of yours. She did, knowing that it would be a fear you'd need to overcome eventually, but she knew that recovery was one step at a time.

You carefully crumbled half of the cookie into tiny pieces until Taylor noticed and said in the kindest and sweetest way possible:

- "Stop Lizzie. That's disordered behavior. Try not to do it with the rest of the cookie."

You instantly panicked. But left the half cookie in the side of the plate. You picked up a tiny crumble and moved it to your mouth as Taylor bit her cookie, you both chewed at the same time, yet you took longer than her to swallow, but you did it. Then cleaned your fingers with the napkin. You both repeated the action until you had no crumbs left and Taylor had finished her cookie. The nurse showed up to pick up the food and insert the formula into de NG tube, but Taylor looked at her with puppy eyes silently saying to wait because you were doing your best, the nurse understood, and she left.

- "Try to bite the cookie, Liz" Taylor said stroking your shoulder.

You bit a tiny piece, chewed, and swallowed. It took you almost 40 minutes to eat the whole cookie, but in the end you did it.

- "I can't do it anymore" you said exhausted.

- "You did great! You were so brave, I'm so proud of you" Taylor said giving you the beloved forehead kiss.

The nurse came back and congratulated you, but said she needed to replace the uneaten food with feeding formula. You accepted in silence and watched as she filled the tube. You held your stomach tightly; you could feel how it was filling and fattening you up.

Dr. Khan came back with your mom and praised your effort. She said it was a big step, but that the team had decided to add a nocturnal feed to increase your weight. She also talked about starting medication for your depression.

You sobbed for the rest of the afternoon until Taylor and your mom needed to leave heartbroken. You did your best to eat the cookie and still, it wasn't enough. You felt defeated by this illness, by your mind, your thoughts and that voice in your head that screamed constantly that you didn't deserve to recover, you just deserved to die.