Diary ni Ashlee

Entry # 1 . The Fist Moment

June 06, 1998

It is raining hard today. Palabas pa lang ako ng bahay, alam kong may kakaibang mangyayari sa akin ngayon araw. I don't know what the hell was that yet, but I already knew that this day was going to be different. I came to school having this idea, I walked around the Arts Building feeling confidently happy. I don't even know why, maybe it was one of those things where you feel, unbelievably happy for something that you don't know yet. Pero alam ko talagang may mangyayaring kakaiba ngayon. I smiled as I walked in the classroom. I sat on my chair at wala pang tatlong minuto, natatamad na akong pumasok. I sat there thinking kung aalis ba ako, iniisip ko kung anong magiging consequence kung hindi ako papasok ngayon. 

Papasok ba ako? I don't know. One thing is for sure, that thing that I've been happy about, it's not going to happen inside this classroom. and maybe because I really want to know what would happen to me today, I stood up again and left the area. Ayoko kayang ikulong iyong sarili ko dito. Walang mangyayari kung uupo ako dito sa classroom. 

Mabilis pa sa alas kwatro na tinungo ko ang main gate ng university. Agad akong pumara ng jeep. I was still feeling good, kahit na halos magkadikit na kami ng katabi kong mama. Saglit lang naman ang pagsakay ko, after this, I'll be free from all these jeepney drama. 

"Para!" sigaw ko. Agad akong bumaba nang huminto ang jeep. Matapos noon ay hinintay kong umalpas ang ilang sasakyan bago ako tumawid upang tunguhin ang abandonadong building sa kabilang daan. I stood there as I look at the building. No one would have thought that building was actually my hang out. I crossed the street. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita ko ang sasakyan ni Vince ---- my best friend, who was supposed to be at school on this time of day and yet he is here --- tinamad rin siguro siya. Pumasok ako sa building. 

"Vince?" I called his name. Habang naglalakad ako, lumalangitngit rin ang sahig. Lumang-luma na kasi talag iyong building na iyon. 

"Vince?" I called again. 

"In here at the red couch!" sagot niya. Napangiti ako. Elementary man, high school o college, si Vince pa rin ang cutting classes partner ko. Agad ko siyang pinuntahan. I saw him sitting at the said red couch. He was looking at someone, or something -- I don't know it yet. I'm not sure. 

"Bulakbol ka." nang-aasar na sabi ko. 

"Huwag mo akong tulad sa'yo. Pumasok ako noh." sagot naman niya sa akin. I shook my head. 

"Whatever, Vince." Umupo ako. Noon ko lang napansin that he was with someone. He was looking at me with amazement in his eyes. 

"Who's that?" walang pasintabing tanong ko. Vince chuckled. The boy -- no -- the man sitting right in front of me smiled. He smiled. At me. He smiled at me. And that smile... that smile was enough to make my world stop revolving. Everything around me went slow motion, time literally stopped and all I could hear was my heart beating abnormally fast. 

I knew, after opening my eyes this morning that something different was bound to happen to me today. A phenomenon that would -- I am sure of this -- change my life and my beliefs forever. 

And as I gaze up on that man smiling at me , I knew that this was the moment I have been waiting for -- not just for today -- but for my whole life. 

"Ash, si Reed. Thesis partner ko." The man -- we'll -- Reed stood up and offered me his hand. 

"Nice to meet you. I'm Reed." he smiled even more. I was just eyeing him like an idiot. I've seen him before. I knew that smile. 

"You're the toothpaste guy." agad ay parang gusto kong bawiin ang sinabi ko. Sa dami ng naiisip kong sabihin, bakit iyon ba ang lumabas sa bibig ko?

"Yeah. I am." he laughed, then I felt a thousand of electro lights travelling my body. 

Oh my gosh... 

Is this it? Is this really the moment? 

I am not stupid, I've watched this kind of films. Hindi ako tanga. Alam ko kung bakit ako nakakaramdam ng ganito...

But then.... 

Am I ready to face the consequences if I accept the fact that I think -- I really think --- that I just fall in love with my bestfriend's thesis partner at first sight?

---------

Present day

"Who wants desert?" 

Tonie seemed so happy about the cake she baked for the our weekly Thursday dinner. She put the cake in the middle of the table. I took one look at the cake and I just lost the will to eat it. Tonie is my friend but I have always been frank to her. 

"Tonie, you know you can't cook." I said to her. 

"You're just saying that because you haven't tasted my carrot cake yet. Taste it!" her enthusiasm worries me. I looked at Vince -- my other best friend who was sitting next to me, he was looking at the cake too and I just, I sighed, I think he lost faith in humanity again. 

"Cmon! I bought this cake. It's not the one that I baked!" Hearing those words somehow comforted me. I happily took one piece and put it in my mouth. Vince did the same. 

"Aww! This is one awesome cake!" I exclaimed. Tonie sat down and looked at us, Vince was eating too and just like me, he had this ridiculous smile on his face like he was really happy.

"Ang sama ninyo." nakangusong sabi niya. I just giggled. "Anyway, have you heard the news?"

Gossip. I'm so sure I will hear another gossip from her again. Vince and I braced ourselves for whatever it is that's going to come up next. But then I guess, it was only me who needed some bracing to do because what came out of her mouth a moment later, shocked me. 

"Reed is coming back!" Tonie announced. I almost choke on my carrot cake. Being a vegetarian and all, it pleases me to have a privilage to eat this cake but that news just made me want to puke. 

After three years, Reed will come back? What for? Wala na rin naman itong babalikan. Anca -- his ex  - girlfriend - is already married to Vince's cousin, Cedrik. I just couldn't seem to imagine Reed ever coming back again after what happened three years ago. 

"When?" Vince asked Tonie. 

"Anca said he'll be home next week." 

"Next week?!" I shouted. The people at the restaurant looked at our table. I realized that I raised my voice and that was the reason why they looked this way. I bent my head down and looked at my food. 

"Why are you so shocked?" Tonie asked me. I just shrugged.

"Wala lang. I still don't give a dam about him." 

"So you being shocked at all never had anything to do with Reed coming back?" Vince was teasing me. I made a face. 

"Not at all. Fuck that guy." 

 Tonie just laughed and I saw Vince shaking his head, I on the other hand just tried to ignore the fact that I'll be seeing Reed next week. I don't know if I am ready to face him after three years. The thing is, I don't know if I could stand in front of him and act like I don't care for him at all, I don't know if I could act like my normal self despite the fact that on the last night I saw him, something between us have changed. I had given him something that I could never take back.

So, yes, if anyone asks, I am very affected by the fact that Reed is indeed coming back. Gusto ko sanang isipin na hindi kami magkakasalubong o magkikita but I knew that it is impossible, because we have the same circle of friends, he belongs to my world – kaht na ayaw ko, so not being able to see him is hard.

Hay, buhay...