Silent Mind (z.h)

T W E N T Y

6 months later

Zayn’s P.O.V

Nothing prepared me for the pain that I felt every day from the day at the mental hospital.
I never realized that I had to carry the broken pieces of my heart around inside of me. In the beginning I cried myself to sleep until the tears actually dried out.

Now I was just empty, no tears left, just the pain.
I had tried to move on with my life but I always ended up outside of the mental hospital, looking at the building.
I never went in though, I had to fight back. Because I felt inside of me that Niall had moved on. He simply had to if he was ever going to get better.

I started my old job as a bartender again but never seemed to get Niall off of my mind. He was always there, wherever I was, whatever I was doing. On the dance floor at the club, in the bed next to me at night, opposite to me at the dinner table.

The doctor told me how long Niall was going to stay at the hospital and the answer punched me in the chest… 2 years…
I felt like I was dying, slowly. And I knew that if I had to stand another day without him, I would.

I lay down on our bed and looked up on the ceiling as I thought back…

“Zayn, don’t hesitate, I want you” Niall giggled as I bite down on my lip while I unbuckled his belt.
“I just don’t want to hurt you” I said honestly as I got it open. I unzipped his zipper slowly and looked up into his eyes.

“Zayn, I know you won’t hurt me” Niall whispered. I looked into those Arctic Ocean blue eyes and felt complete. How could a boy so beautiful lie there beneath me, looking me in the eyes? I didn’t deserve it.

I leaned in slowly, letting myself heart feel it. And I could feel it, rapid heartbeats drummed against my chest and at the moment my lips met the sweet, curved and pink ones, my heart stopped.
Our lips massaged together as I put my hand at the side of Niall’s head, grabbing a hold of his hair and almost felt like pushing Niall closer, if that even was possible.

I needed Niall; I needed his every touch, every smile and every breath.

He unbuttoned my jeans and pulled down as our lips kept massaging with each other.
If I was to describe how it felt, how it tasted, I’d say that it like love. If love was a taste… Niall was the one.

He placed his legs over my shoulders and I knew it was time. I was going to take his virginity and he was going to be my first. The feeling of being turned on but also the satisfaction of seeing the most beautiful boy there, giving himself to you. Everything was perfect.

I returned to reality even though I didn’t want to.  I had a life to live, even though it didn’t have a reason anymore. My life’s meaning was locked inside of some hospital, forgetting about me if he didn’t already have.

I drove to the graveyard. I don’t know why I did, but I really needed to talk to someone who would listen. My mother and father were lying there as well as my little sister. All died in a car accident five years ago. I missed them all like crazy and more now when I didn’t have Niall.

I sat in front of my mum’s tombstone and looked at it, remembering her beautiful face.
“Hi mum” I said and smiled. I looked over at dads grave beside my mum’s and remembered dad’s amazing stories he used to tell me when I was young.

“Hi dad” I said and I could almost feel how they smiled down on me from the heaven.
“I dunno what to do… I just lost the love of my life and I feel… dead” I said and stared at the grey stones that now represented my parents.

“What am I going to do?! I feel so empty mum!” I said and a tear fell down my cheek.
I heard someone cry and jerked my head around to find an old lady with curly grey hair sob in front of another tombstone close to me.

Our eyes met and she dried her eyes with a napkin.
“Good evening my young man, whoever you’ve lost I am sorry, life is hard” She said, her voice honey warm and calming to my ears.
“Thank you mam, I am sorry for your loss” I said and wiped the tear away as well.

“Oh I lost my husband long ago, 30 years ago actually” She said and looked again at the tombstone.
“I was 24 when he died in cancer” She continued and sighed.
I bite down on my lower lip and nodded.

“My parents rest here” I said and pointed at the two graves in front of me. She gave me a look of pity and rose from her kneeled position.
“I am sorry dear” She said and looked down to brush dirt off of her skirt.

“Excuse me” I said to get her attention. She looked up on me again and I rose as well.
“What did you do when your husband died? I mean, how did you… cope?” I asked. She knew how I felt, her situation was even worse than mine. Her love was gone… forever. Mine was still alive at least.

“I didn’t… but then I thought, life goes on. You can’t let life pass you by when there is so much more you can achieve and you can accomplish. I am a surgeon and a scientist now, trying to find a cure for cancer. That is my goal here in life… to know that when I leave, I left something worthwhile” She said and smiled.

I took in all of her words, understanding her.
“Thank you mam” I said and wept away another tear that had escaped my eye.
“Dear, I can tell you’ve gone through some hard things in life, instead of giving up I suggest you take a hold of the closest hand you can find which is at the end of your own arm and keep living life. Life is hard, but it is amazing and beautiful and perfect. Just like my husband was” She said and walked up to me.

I nodded and looked into her blue eyes that reminded me of Niall.
“I bet you have something to live for, if not, then look at the sun every evening, before it sets and think… how that sun will return again tomorrow” She blinked and made her way out of the graveyard.

I looked down on my parents and took a deep breath.
“I gotta go” I said and ran back to my car. I knew what I had to do…

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