Loving Luke | muke [c]

Twenty Three

I had never been the best person to get advice from. Especially not relationship advice. I had been trampled all over my entire life by the most amazing human to ever walk this earth, and I was okay with it. I was willingly letting myself be stepped on, pushed around and beaten to a pulp. I gave Luke permission to do that, even if he did it without knowing. I knew this wasn't the way to go, I would constantly see it in movies how people realised they were being treated so poorly, how they got up and left for their own good. But at the same time, when I stopped to think about it, I had always believed I deserved this. I was letting Luke do what he did because I loved him too much to even let myself come first, I let him do it all because I would never have a soulmate to love me. If no one could love me back, why not love Luke with every single fibre of my being until I was gone? 

This was what I had told myself every single day of my life. These were the thoughts that pulled me into my sleep every night as I breathed in the scent of Luke that had clung to my pillow back home. That was what I'd repeat to myself every single time I woke up next to the blond, listening to him breathe and watch as his chest moved up and down ever so slowly. That was what I would think of whenever I sat across from Luke at the dinner table with his family, watching him laugh at some joke Ben or Jack had come up with. That was what I believed my mission on this earth to be. To love Luke unconditionally, to care for him and to watch out for him even when he didn't need me to. It was something that had consumed me, the thought of Luke and the idea of my only purpose in this earth revolving around Luke. And I had grasped onto that thought and carried it with me throughout my life. Looking from the outside, I knew how horrible that sounded. How sad it was to see how a person's life revolved solemnly around another person who was clueless to what was happening.

This was why I was so confused when Calum called me on a Wednesday afternoon, asking to meet me at the beach after class. I was quick to tell him I would be there, noticing how upset he sounded even over the phone. Although Calum and I had grown very close throughout the years, there was still a sort of invisible barrier between the two of us. He was one of Luke's best friends and I was Ashton's. There was always that imaginary line keeping up on separate sides, knowing we wouldn't be each other's first choice when we had Ashton and Luke. But at that moment, hearing how desperate he sounded, I knew he had stepped over that line. I didn't know how to feel about it, but I rushed down to the beach anyways, wanting to help the Kiwi in whatever way I could. 

I climbed out of my car, locking it over my shoulder as I walked towards the coffee shop across the street from the beach, already spotting Calum standing there with his arms crossed over his chest and his head hanging low. I approached him, taking one of my hands out of my pocket to touch his shoulder gently. He looked up at me, eyes puffy and red. Instantly, I knew what had happened. My heart sank and I was quick to pull him into my arms in a hug. I felt for him. Right now, I knew he was feeling the same way I had felt my entire life and that was nothing I would ever wish upon anyone. I could feel him shake slightly as I tightened my arms around him, Calum's forehead leaning against my shoulder as he attempted to not cry out loud. I rubbed his back soothingly, trying to think of anything to say that could make this situation any better. There was nothing.

"Hey," I whispered, rocking him from side to side slowly. "You're okay, everything's okay."

Calum sniffled, shaking his head as a hiccup escaped his lips. "H-He left." Calum cried, letting his body weight fall onto me. I held him up, trying my best not to collapse with him. "Why would he leave me, Michael? Why would he...."

"Breathe." I told him, rubbing his back once more. I could feel his sobs start to slow down, but Calum still hadn't moved at all. "You're okay. Just breathe, count to ten. It's okay. You can cry, but let's get some drinks and sit on the sand, yeah?"